Chapter 1
NIK
You should just kill yourself. You’re worthless; just a spear in the side of everyone who knows you...
Nik finally sat up in his bed, he was awake and nothing could help him return to his slumber. The incessant voices always clawing at him when he wasn’t necessarily doing anything was indication enough. He sat in stillness for a moment, looking at the curtains covering the windows. They were dark purple and practically ensured that every ray of light would get sucked up into its darkness. His father would always refer to him as a cave-dweller and laugh as he marched past. The thought brought a brief grin to his face before—
Even he stopped believing in you. Just write something you useless cunt! You clearly don’t want this, so just get a regular job and fucking get on with it. NO ONE CARES ABOUT WHAT YOU WANT SO JUST FU—
Nik shook his head and jumped out of bed. The hallway was ablaze with morning light which blinded him as the long march to the bathroom began. Before freshening himself up, he glared at the mirror, inspecting his sunken eyes and depressive demeanor. He tried smiling for a moment, but the sight disgusted him. “You don’t deserve to be happy” getting shot at him as his smile faded. He sighed, closed his eyes and rocked back and forth on his feet before spinning around to get in the shower.
Coffee and toast was the next order of the day, as it was every single morning. Nik’s hair was still soaking and his shirt clung to him like it had a baby monkey reflex. He didn’t mind, it was going to be a long day of doing absolutely nothing again, but he didn’t want to think about that, as the voice in his head would proceed to have a field day. Out from the corner of his eye he saw his phone’s screen light up accompanied by a familiar vibration, tuned to sound like one of his favorite songs - Stay by Mayday Parade. The call was from Joanie, his best friend and fellow band mate.
“Yo!” Nik yelled as he answered the phone, his voice partially muffled by toast he was eating.
“Nik! She’s here! I called your ass like 15 times!” Joanie shouted back sounding very enthusiastic.
“That how you say ‘hello’ now?”
“Sorry. Hello. It’s just—“
“Wait wait wait wait wait. Back up a second...,” Nik paused and put his toast down, “She? As in Kiera? Already?”
“Yes! She got here a week early or something. I... Didn’t question it.”
“Cool. We can meet soon then...” Nik grabbed his toast again, “And you didn’t call me fifteen times.”
“About that... Um... I kinda... sorta... sent her to your place already...”
Nik paused, shook his head and uttered a chuckle in disbelief.
“Are you still there?” Joanie’s voice asked through the phone.
“Ha. Ha. You’re hilarious.”
“I’m... serious, Nik. She’s literally probably already in your building.”
“What the fuck, Joanie,” his voice was soured with discontent and disappointment.
“I’m sorry! You know I’m not in town ’till next week. And she seemed so excited and couldn’t wait to meet you and I thought you’d be up earlier, which you really should be, honestly, because no adult man should sleep in so much, unless you’re a millionaire or something—“
“Please. Shut up,” he scoffed loud enough for the whole city to hear, “I gotta go.”
“Nik, we have to get this done sooner—“
Nik hung up the phone and just stared at it, waiting for Joanie to attempt another call, just so he could silence it again. He looked around the unkempt apartment, which, to his credit, wasn’t in the worst shape... If he claimed that another person lived there. He shook his head and sat right back down near the kitchen counter, content with not doing a damn thing about the apartment’s well-being.
Not 15 minutes had passed when a knock on the door awoke him from the trance he was slipping into. A great, here we go blitzed through his thoughts as he walked to the door. He used his hand as a makeshift comb through his clammy hair before plucking the door open. Kiera stood right in the middle of the hallway. She was moderately tall, had red hair and incredibly pronounced eyes in terms of their color, green.
They stood in silence for a second before she piped up, “Hi! I’m Kiera.”
She thrust out her hand with enthusiasm, but Nik didn’t shake it. He spoke soon after, “Come on in, Kiera.”
Her hand drooped down to her side, her eyes widened and she nodded before entering the apartment.
He shut the door and stood against it for a moment, “You’re just gonna enter a stranger’s place like that?”
“Oh! It’s fine, I already knew what you look like!”
“Joanie, huh?”
“Yeah! She sent me a picture so I didn’t wander into a stranger’s apartment...” she glared around the living room before sitting down, “Wow. You live here all by yourself?”
“It’s a family place, but my parents never use it. So...”
“Cool!”
Silence hung between them for a second before Nik marched in the kitchen’s direction.
“You want anything!” he yells on his way there.
“No thanks, I was gonna check out the cafe in the area after. Grab some coffee, you know?”
He walked back into the living room and sat down on a different couch with a glass of water in hand, “You’re in town early...”
“Turns out the first day of college is a week earlier. When we spoke back then I completely missed that and then I thought I’d let Joanie know to maybe meet up earlier to talk about songs or music or something...”
“Wait. You’re a first year?”
“Yes! Studying music! And I probably have to go through the whole orientation thing.”
“I see.”
Kiera hesitated for a second and then spoke, “What do you study?”
Nik chuckled, blowing away the water approaching his mouth, “Some bullshit science so my parents can shut up.”
There was another brief, but awkward silence which she chose to break, “So... we spoke about those new songs you were working on?”
Nik stood up, taking his glass to the kitchen, “What about ’em?”
“Well, can I see them?”
“No.”
“What? Don’t we have to play in a week or something? I could use my free time to get used to the style and everything,” she said with an earnest and enthusiastic tone.
“Look, I’m... working on them.”
“Can I take a look regardless?”
“No.”
“Why? I don’t under—“
He sighed and impatience grew in his voice, “If I showed you a half finished song and you like it, I’m gonna stop trying so hard to make you like it and if it sucks then I’m gonna wanna throw it out altogether. Bing-bam-boom we’re at square one again!”
Kiera’s eyes grew before she nodded in concession, “Okay.”
Nik strolled back from the kitchen and sat down with his fingers caressing his forehead. From his peripherals he could see Kiera’s mouth open and shut multiple times as if she was looking for the right words.
“Just spit it out...” he finally said
“You know, I could help you write them? I have pretty cool ideas and all. I just need a small sample of what you want to go for with this—“
He almost jumped up, “I don’t need your fucking help!”
“What’s your problem!?” she noticed her tone and steeled herself before continuing, “I can bring more to the band than my voice and I feel like this is a good place to start.”
“Cool. I already have ideas for all the songs so we’re good. Drop it.”
Kiera pursed her lips together and nodded, “Okay. I’m sorry if you’re angry, but if you want to talk about it...”
She picked up Nik’s phone which was unlocked and she added her number to his contact list. At first he looked shocked, trying to figure out why she would just grab his phone, but it seemed harmless enough.
“I don’t need a therapist. We’re band mates. Friends if you’re lucky.”
Kiera spent a moment mulling over the right words again, “You know, therapy’s pretty healthy! And it’ll help you finish those songs earlier too. It’s not as taboo—“
“Oh yeah?” Nik got up and stood near her, his eyes ablaze, “Go to some old dude who’ll tell me that me being a useless cunt’s just in my head? And that my dreams are just that. Dreams. No fucking thanks...”
As he flopped down on the couch, Kiera just stood there, blinking her eyes. It seemed to him that she was holding back her tears. She shook her head and marched to the door.
“I gotta go. I’m sorry, this was a mistake.”
Nik could see her wipe her cheeks and sighed, “Wait.”
She stopped, waiting for whatever he was going to say.
“I... The band loved your voice. It’s perfect.”
Kiera didn’t even turn around, but kept walking out of the apartment, closing the door with the force of someone who just wanted to escape as quickly as possible.
“Fuck,” he muttered to himself.
Nik leaned back on the couch, looking at the ceiling. After a few seconds, he closed them and shook his head. The voice had come back. You’ve done it again you fuck. You’re gonna tank your band. You will always be a loser. He shook his head with conviction before running after her.
KIERA
Joanie’s words were the only thing keeping Kiera from breaking down. She decided to call her on a whim while riding the elevator and her hope that Joanie could calm her had been proven fruitful. Now she stood at the crosswalk, still listening to her voice.
“Listen, I’ll talk to him and we’ll proceed just like we planned,” Joanie sounded more serious than she ever did before.
Kiera could feel the emotions building, but she did what she usually did, closed her eyes and shook her head, “I... I don’t know. We’re gonna have to work together closely and I don’t know if I’ll be able to. I should just focus on studying.”
“No! Don’t mind him. He’s... He’ll pull through, okay? We need you right now. And you know you’re not only here for the studies...”
She looked at the red from the traffic lights, still waiting for the green, to get back to the dingy hotel she was staying at. Footsteps sprinting toward her from behind startled her back to the real world.
Joanie’s voice rang through again, “Are you still there, Kay?”
An out of breath Nik stood with his arms planted on his knees. He was nearly wheezing, “Thank fuck for this weekend robot. Listen...”
“Is that him? Put me on speaker!” Joanie’s voice rang through again, distracting her from what Nik was saying.
“...So let’s talk about everything at the cafe, okay? We need you.” he finished.
Kiera looked at him, his black hair now dry yet still frozen upward in a style which would make Japanese artists proud, almost like a wing on his head. He forewent dressing himself properly and was still in his white tank top and beaten black jeans. When he stood up again he was barely taller than her. She clicked to put her phone on speaker, right out in public.
Nik looked confused, “What?”
“Am I coming through?”
“Joanie?”
“Listen here you ASSHOLE, you’re gonna apologize to Kiera RIGHT NOW or I swear—“
“Can you please hang up? We’ll talk about everything at the cafe,” he sounded sincere, but Joanie’s continued roasts felt gratifying in a way.
“Don’t try to brush this off, Nik! You know how important this is!”
Nik blew air through his nose and chortled, “Just hang up the phone.”
“NO! Listen to me, Nik! Apologize already! It’s not that hard, dude!”
“Just hang up the fucking phone!” he nearly lunged forward trying to grab the phone, but he seemingly caught himself right in the middle of the action.
Kiera turned off the speaker to her phone and spoke into it, “I’ll call you later.”
“Kay, wait! Give him the phon—“
She hung up and turned to look at the light which finally emanated a bright green. Nik stood across from her looking lost for words, possibly hoping she’d just follow him into the cafe.
“So?” he finally spoke.
“I just... thought you’d be so much cooler...”
“Yeah. That’s why they say you shouldn’t meet your heroes. Don’t be naive.”
She just closed her eyes and shook her head while spinning around to escape across the crosswalk. She just wanted to leave and think about everything, Everything her friends back home told her: this was foolish, impulsive and she was staking her happiness on something so frail and down to chance. How she dismissed her own doubts and ignored them in favor of blind hope and faith. Her grandmother's smile as she waved goodbye...
“Kiera, wait!”
She refused to turn around and acknowledge him.
“Seriously! Are you fucking insane!? Look out!”
This snapped her out of her thoughts. Why would he say that? Is he doing this on purpose? Her eyes opened as she turned around to maybe yell at him? She hadn’t even considered what words to use, but this hardly mattered. All she saw as she spun around was the front fender of a red van.
