Wax

“When the sun has set, no candle can replace it.”

- George R.R. Martin

When I was younger, I always dreamt of starting a family.

I thought that becoming a father, even more: a husband, was the most fulfilling job in the world.

I dreamt of raising and loving my own children and them looking up to me as a role model. I would love and care for my wife, and she would me.

As I grew older, I found “love” once or twice. The first time was in the 10th grade. I was a sophomore, attending the high school right next to my house. She was a junior, a grade above mine, and, naturally, older than me.

We went out for about a year and a half but I honestly wish it ended sooner than it did. I could tell that she was bored with me. Like she wanted something more that I couldn’t give her. I tried what I could. I bought her gifts, took her places, anything I could do, I did. But still, it seemed like it wasn’t enough.

She broke up with me in the end. Never told me why. All I could think the reason was, was that her love for me had melted away.

While I say I found love, I don’t think I can say I truly loved her.

I never saw us starting a family together. Living life together. Still, I tried. I guess I just liked the feeling of not being alone.

I never gave love another chance after that. Not for another 13 years. Not until her.

We met 5 years ago at a movie theater. We were both alone. I had accidentally spilled my popcorn all over the floor walking up the theater steps. She noticed and came running to help out.

She was the light of my life. The sun. Always the brightest in the room. I never thought I had a chance with her. But I saw it. I saw us.

We would be together. We would be loved. We would be happy.

We traveled the country together. Taking in the sights, enjoying each other’s company. We truly loved each other.

We wanted to start a family together. I wanted to start a life with her. She was the greatest thing to ever happen to me.

Or, at least I thought.

About a year ago, I found out she had been cheating on me. I had no idea why, and, she was not willing to give up the reason.

After I found out, she left me. I haven’t seen her since. My sun was gone.

Ever since then, I’ve been trying. Trying to find what I once had. Trying to regain that feeling. But, to no success.

My world had turned gray. Devoid of light. She melted my heart, and, every attempt to fix it has just led to a deformed variation of what I lost. I could not love just anyone the way I loved her.

I can no longer love.