Beautiful Heartache
I loved you. But it wasn’t healthy. It stemmed from infatuation, obsession, low self-worth, and confusion. I told you that I was going through issues with my gender identity and sexual orientation, and I also told you that I have severe anxiety and depression, all of those issues combined made me an emotional mess. It was a rollercoaster of confusion, certainty, stress, and time. And towards you, my self-worth was on a rollercoaster all on its own. One minute, I knew I mattered, and the next, I was convinced I didn’t. Of course, being the kind person that you are, you never actually said anything about anything honestly. I always just randomly started spilling my guts to you. And of course, again being the person you are, you supported me and we talked about it. Those conversations went as far as they could, there was only so much we could talk about, after all there wasn’t much we socially has in common. You’re the center of positive attention, and I’ve never heard a single bad thing about you.
I envied you so hard that it felt like hate. I have absolutely no reason to dislike you, yet I did out of envy. But of course it wasn’t for long, and none of this is coming from no where, this rollercoaster took time. And it got more scary as I knew I was getting closer to the top. And I knew I was at the top-- my highest high, when I realized that I was sexually attracted to you. I guess I started my dissent when I started caring more about myself and accepting stuff. And I realized that I disliked you because I had no real reason to dislike you, there’s nothing bad about you. You’re all of the good things that people say you are. I liked you, and alarmingly soon I started liking everything about you. Everything and nothing at the same time. I felt blessed when you looked in my direction. I was obsessed with you. I had you on a pedestal that I was convinced I didn’t belong on. Liking everything and nothing about you, all the time, everyday.
When I saw you, especially in class, I would feel a flutter in my body when you acknowledged me. And if you talked to me, I would fumble over my words, stare at you-- I’ve noticed that you have lively brown eyes and they made every dull moment sparkle. I would hate myself every time I tried to be standoffish towards you or anything relating to you. And I would hate myself every time I basically lived for you presence.
You’re just so amazing, your smile is bright, and your energy is attracting. I’m not the same person I was a couple years ago, I’ve changed and so has how I love. I’ve never been in love with a girl before and I was trying to figure out my sexual orientation, so it was confusing to me why my emotions were like this.
Not to mention trying to be friends, I’m in the background of situations, but you’re the center of it. You’ve been able to face your own struggles behind closed doors and still shine, and continue to do things for other people and participate in things bigger than yourself.
And of course, I’ve compared myself to you, and because of this I felt that I shouldn’t be around people I felt the need to compare myself to. But I could never do one or the other, leave you alone and distance myself from you because I didn’t like you or try to be closer to you. I tried both but neither worked, the scale seemed to consistently balance itself out. I’ve had to make myself understand that I can’t blame myself for the issues I go through and that other people just have better support systems than me. It was just so hard to believe that you can be so beautiful. We’re just not compatible, not as friends, much less in a relationship. It’s all just been so confusing and I was in an uncharted part of myself. You are a lesson in my life on self-love/worth/confidence/esteem and not being judgmental. My emotions felt out of control. Today, I realized that I loved you. My emotions have been so uncontrollable to the point that I couldn’t even tell that I fell in love.
