FALLING

I Falling in love

Jelena leaned tiredly on the bus window and watched the flagpoles slipping one after the other. She closed her eyes for a moment and tried to think of nothing but the road under her. She always loved traveling by bus. These were the rare moments when she could do nothing but sit in a place and sink into her imagination. Moments when she could take a short break from all of the problems that had accumulated over the years. She never felt sorry for herself. She was an average happy girl. In her opinion, she belonged to the majority of the population who lived their little lives tormented by similar problems and difficulties. She wasn’t the only girl whose family had financial problems, resulting in all these depressing images of parents who lose faith in themselves and bear the burden of bad decisions that cause the entire family to suffer... The images of constant concern for those two dearest faces were so clear even when both tried their best to look cheerful and smiling. She was not the only girl whose mother trembled her jaw when she wore her shoes too worn to go to college. She wasn’t the only girl who watched her father touch only the bottom as he took his daughter’s golden bracelet with trembling hands to pledge it. But again, she considered herself very happy that despite all that, her family was united. Her parents drank coffee together every morning, and after twenty-five years of marriage, they had managed to retain their sweet habits. They were dedicated parents who gave her and her brother the most beautiful childhood with which few of their peers could boast. She lived a good part of her life well, even better than all her friends. The collapse of her parents’ company and scarcity came at the most inconvenient time when they needed the money most - just before she went to college. That didn’t happen suddenly, of course. The financial crisis spontaneously attacked her family, like an evil disease that had been ravaging for years. But no matter what happened and no matter how difficult it was, there was always the main consolation phrase that has often been heard in her home: “The most important thing is that we are all alive and healthy; everything else will be fine.” And indeed, she never took this phrase lightly - on the contrary. Each part of her being was immensely grateful that all members of her family were alive and healthy. The financial problems for her were only a lousy period that would pass over time. And after that, the better ones would come. After all, life consists of good and bad times that properly alternate one after another.

Although she now forced herself not to think about anything while she was in a bus traveling through a foreign country on unknown roads, she returned against her will to a moment in which her thoughts often come back.

It was winter. She was in the first year of college, and there was a serious lack of money at home. Her parents barely make ends meet while paying for her college and living in a big city. The only accommodation they could afford was a small cheap room in a poor house. Her wardrobe was worn and old, and she lacked many things that a twenty-year-old girl needed. Then again, at that one moment, she felt completely happy. She waited for the green light at the pedestrian crossing as she warmed her hand in the hand of the boy she loved and who returned that love to her even more. She felt so happy that suddenly she was afraid of the amount of happiness she had in her life. Somewhere in her mind, she had an imaginary amount of happiness to which each person was entitled to. For some unknown reason, she was convinced that one person couldn’t have everything and be completely happy. And she felt that way at that moment - completely happy. How sad it seemed to her today, how naive it was... She clearly remembers how she collected in her head everything that gave her the right to feel so happy. All family members were alive and healthy. Parents loved each other and had a stable marriage. She was in a beautiful relationship with the guy she loved and enjoyed all the charms of freshly returned love... She remembers the moment when she panicked through all this in her head while waiting for the green light to come up and the fear that something terrible will happen because a person can’t have everything! The green light lit, and the first step had already calmed her down and reminded her that she didn’t have everything. Tiny stones along the way pricked her foot through a small hole in the cheap boots sole she had bought not too long ago. They still looked nice outside, and no one but her knew that the sole had worn so thinly that a small hole had formed under her toes. She was ashamed to tell someone, and as long as the boots at her foot looked nice and decent, she decided to endure this little discomfort she felt at every step.

It is strange how this slight discomfort restored her sense of calm. Like that little reminder of how poor she is, was enough to restore the “right measure” of the imaginary amount of happiness that was allowed. Of all the things that, in her opinion, are necessary for one person’s complete well-being: health, family, love, and material wealth - she was deprived only of what was least important to her. What it seems - she was perfectly happy then.

The year that followed this moment took almost everything that made her happy. She clearly remembers the moment when they found out that her dad had a tumor, how her first reaction was to return to that very moment while she was waiting for the green light on the pedestrian... Whenever her life took something new, her brain automatically returned to that moment again and again. Family fight with cancer, every defeat in that fight, the shutdown of the last family business in which all savings were invested... Every moment she felt that her family’s misfortune had extinguished the sparks in the eyes of the one who had looked at her in love until yesterday. However, she tried her best to stay cheerful and smiling in front of him so as not to lose him altogether. Every moment she saw in his eyes her reflection, which was a pale image of that smiling, charming, sympathetic, and endearing girl who she used to be… Even on the day her father died, as she screamed silently next to his bed, her thoughts returned to that moment. And she hated herself because she felt as if that very moment, which she was the only one to experience at the time, was to blame for all this…

Soon after her father’s death, her losses only continued one after another. Her mother continued her life too quickly - entering into a relationship with some man, which cast a shadow over the image of her parent’s marriage that was obviously too idealized in her head. Her brother was five years younger than her. Mother always protected him too much from all problems, as usually happens with younger children. Jelena only took on that overly protective attitude towards him. She convinced herself that he was too young to rely on him then, and in fact, she believed she would never be able to rely on him for anything. Unfortunately, her father’s inheritance consisted of several loans that became her burden, which she carried with herself wherever she went.

Well, she still had Luka. True - while his life went on in a peaceful course without much change and ambition, under the auspices of a calm and stable family, problems and misfortunes only erupted on her side, distorting the girl’s image he fell in love with. Although he never admitted it openly, he always praised her struggle, perseverance and positivity, unshakable spirit, and will to succeed in everything - she still felt that she was the only bad messenger in his life. Every time she listened to him how he pointed out her virtues to encourage her, she thought that he was actually listing them to remind himself why he loved her… And that insulted her to the core.

At that time, she worked in a bank for almost a year while finishing her final year of university. Her salary was so miserable that she would never be able to pay off her family debts. She remembers telling Luka that she was going to resign and move to the United States to join a student organization to earn the money she needed. She’s pretty sure he put an end to their relationship in his mind at that moment, even though he promised her he would go with her. Every day, she feared that he would give up and realize that it was much better for him to remain a carefree student than to struggle with her for six months doing jobs that were humiliating for him. And yet, as the day of departure approached and he didn’t give up, she gave herself the right to relax and comfort herself that everything would be fine. She’ll spend six months with her beloved man in America, earn the necessary money, pay off all family debts, and have enough to pay half the cost of their wedding. She even secretly started looking at wedding dresses and fantasize about their marriage. Although he never officially proposed to her, all their plans and stories about the future meant for a long time that they two would stay together forever, get married, have children, and live happily ever after. She blamed herself for starting to doubt it lately… And forced herself to be surprised when he told her three days before the trip that he wouldn’t be going with her and that he thought it would be better for them to be apart for a while. She forced herself not to hate him when he proclaimed the most humiliating sentence: “We’ll both try to live our lives during that time, so if neither of us finds anything better, I will marry you when you come back.” She forced herself not to feel enormous relief when she lost him too. But she felt it.

Her head was getting heavier on the bus window, and just as her thoughts began to turn into a light dream, the sound of squeaking wheels, screaming people, and a sharp blow in her head brought her back to reality:

“Miss, are you okay??”

A worried, panicked voice of one of the passengers on the seat next to hers asked her in English. Confused, she began to answer him in Serbian, but immediately remembered that she was in America, and answered him in English:

“Yes, what happened?”

“The bus hit a truck that overturned; it looks like there was a chain collision; I hope everyone is alive!”

The man continued to question the other passengers, and the sound of his voice soon merged with the panic of the other passengers’ voices and some painful moans. Jelena unknowingly held on to the sore spot on her head, but in her mind, there was no room for concern about the injury or any other consequence of this traffic accident except one - she can’t be late!