1 - Shadow
Rubina - Now
I knew the moment I opened my eyes that this wouldn’t be a good day. I had known for a while, but I didn’t want to admit it. Not to myself nor to anybody else.
Like every day for the last three years, I was going to ignore this little tingling in the back of my head. That feeling that someone was watching me from the shadows. Lingering there, like he always did.
I knew he was there, but I did everything to deny it. He had no right to be there in the first place, and I wouldn’t let him know that I cared.
I didn’t.
Not after what happened. What he did.
I hated him for making my life miserable. Sure, it had been exciting in the beginning, but then things went wrong. So very wrong. And I blamed him!
The thing was, I knew that he was not really to blame. But I needed a scapegoat, and he was mine.
Every now and then, I could feel him near. To the point where his silence made me tense in a way I didn’t appreciate.
He probably had his reasonse. He always did.
With a heavy sigh and a heavy feeling in my gut, I started my day. Usually, I would go for a run to clear my head, but today I wasn’t feeling like it. It was one of those gray, rainy days. The long kind of day, where time dragged on and nothing ever happened.
Except him. Watching my every move.
He has been back for a few days now, but like always, I never saw him, and I never wanted to.
He would leave soon, and things would be back to normal, well, as normal as it got for someone like me.
When it got dark, I left my apartment.
Heavy raindrops attacked my umbrella as I made my way to work. A bar a few blocks away. I didn’t know why, but I always preferred nighttime. Maybe because of him. My shadow man.
Yes, I hated him, but I also wanted him to be there. It was weird like that, but I couldn’t deny that watching over me meant that he cared. He never really did. For anything. But maybe, just maybe, he did for me.
I opened the old, dirty doors almost completely covered with stickers. Leon, my boss, looked at me over his shoulder with a friendly smile.
“Hey there,” he greeted me.
“Hey yourself,” I replied as I made my way to the backroom. I didn’t need this job. At least not for the money. I needed it to feel normal, to forget what I used to do, what I used to be involved in.
Ever since I met my dark friend lurking in the shadows, money has never been an issue. He made sure my life took a different turn, one that paid well. But it also came with heavy regret and lots of pain.
“You okay?” Leon had followed me to the back. He was a little older than me and had this rockabilly style going for him. He had sleek blond hair and tattoos covering his arms. He usually wore dark jeans, a white or red shirt, and one of those suit vests.
“Yeah, the rain sucks,” I replied.
He smiled softly, “Maybe you shouldn’t walk here then,” he suggested, but I just shrugged.
I always walked here because I liked the feeling of being alone. Even though I knew I wasn’t. Always waiting for the feeling of someone watching me. I liked using my legs, feeling the hot summer night air on my skin. I needed to feel something. Anything.
Usually, I liked the rain pouring down, making soft, soothing noises as it hit the floor or the tall windows of my apartment. But not today.
“Guess that means it’s going to be a quiet night, eh?”
“Guess so,” I passed him and made my way back to the bar, and he followed.
“Are you sure you’re okay?”
Was it that obvious? I was usually very good at pretending. “Yeah, it’s been a weird week,” I just brushed him off. I didn’t need him to pry. I knew he meant well. I also knew he liked me a little too much. I also knew it was just for my appearance because he knew nothing about me, and I’d like to keep it that way.
“How so?”
“I don’t know. It just was.”
He nodded, although I knew he had no idea what I was talking about. I started to get ready behind the bar while the usual suspects started the night early. Most of them I knew, others I had never seen before, and some just wouldn’t take a hint.
They came back to flirt and try to get my attention. I knew how to play this game and I liked playing it. Even though I never was interested in any of those men. They said I played hard to get. Only it wasn’t a cute move. Not since Emanuel. He ruined me for ordinary men.
Lying came naturally to me, so I never minded playing along with those slightly drunken guys and their flirting attempts. But today, I wasn’t paying attention to any of them.
I was always watching the door, as if I hoped to see him - him and his freakish blue eyes. Eyes you would never forget once you got lost in them.
How I hated those blue eyes.
I hated the way they used to look at me. Like it meant something. But it never really did.
I knew what I was getting myself into with him, but still, he hurt me more than I thought was possible.
It was late when my shift ended.
“Want me to take you home?” Leon asked because it was still raining hard. He asked me almost every night, but I always refused. Well, once I took him up on his offer, but I think he was expecting a little more than just a thank you – goodbye.
“No, I’m good. Thank you,” I told him, watching the empty street, searching for a pair of blue eyes glowing in the dark somewhere.
“Are you sure? It’s no problem,” he insisted.
“I’m sure,” I replied smiling to keep it friendly.
“Come on, it’s on my way anyway.”
It wasn’t. His apartment was way on the other side of town. But he didn’t know that I knew.
“Really. I’m good. Thank you, Leon.”
He sighed giving up, “see you tomorrow then?”
I nodded and watched him disappear in the thick streams of rain. I waited a minute. Waited to take in the darkness around me. I listened to the rain hitting the asphalt with that soft shushing noise that used to be so comforting. The dark used to be my friend, but now. Now I didn’t know what it was anymore.
I left my umbrella unopened and started walking, letting the rain soak through my dark hair and clothes. It was cold, but I didn’t mind. I always felt like it helped tame the fire inside of me. A fire I was deadly afraid of ever since that night three years ago.
I walked slowly. I didn’t want to go home just yet, because I didn’t know what to expect. Every time I crossed that street I knew it could be my last.
I stopped, staring at a puddle in front of me. Looking at my reflection without really seeing it. Dragging time. A car passed, and a ripple in the water disturbed my reflection. It brought me back to the here and now.
With one last glance around, I crossed the street and entered the building. I was not alone. I knew someone was close, and it was an unsettling feeling because it might be someone here to finally eliminate me.
I wouldn’t mind. Not anymore.
Half expecting to look down the barrel of a gun when the elevator doors opened, I listened to my steady heartbeat. I waited. But nothing. Just me and the dark. I admit, I was a bit disappointed. I guess that’s another day for me to live. Lucky me!
With a heavy sigh, I entered my apartment and started undressing, leaving a trail of wet clothes on the way to the shower.
My cold hands reached for the faucet, waiting for the water to turn hot. I needed it hot to burn my icy skin. To make me feel something. Anything.
I ran my hand over my numb body. Waiting.
I hated to wait while feeling like something was about to happen. The anticipation made me anxious and being anxious either ended with me being annoyed and angry or scared. And being scared meant I might panic, and panic meant death.
It always did.
With a sigh, I pressed my hand against the slippery walls, enjoying the calm before the storm. But the calm usually stayed, leaving me restless, when nothing ever happened.
I turn off the water and step out into the steamy bathroom.
It’s quiet. Too quiet.
With my wet hand, I try to catch a glimpse of myself in the fogged-up mirror, but I have no idea who the woman staring back at me was anymore. Sure, she had my long, dark hair clinging to my skin, my dark eyes, almost black, and my skin, red from the hot shower.
I shook my head, grabbed a towel, and wrapped it around my body before leaving the bathroom. What’s the use of this? Nothing is going to change!
The second I stepped out, I knew I was no longer alone. Someone was here, but I ignored the paranoid feeling tingling in the back of my head. It tends to creep up on me every now and then. I have gotten used to it by now.
My feet leave wet traces on the cool floor and if someone was here they would follow them. Leading them right to me. Why hide from the inevitable?
Once I was through the door to my bedroom, I knew he was there. I knew the feeling of his stare, almost like he was touching me. It was just like a feathery brush of his fingers. Rough, yet tender. It was the same feeling I had been running from all week. Only now it was ten times worse.
It was those light blue eyes. They always had a life of their own. When he looked at me, it was always more than just a look. It always felt like a sweet, torturous touch with his skilled, but deadly hands.
I took a deep breath, trying to calm my treacherous heartbeat. Very gently, I exhale before moving on as if I couldn’t feel his presence.
I could turn around. But I was afraid.
Afraid to hate him.
Afraid to not hate him enough.
While I tried to calm my nerves, I ignored him, deciding to fall back into a familiar pattern. To become someone else. Someone who didn’t care or feel anything other than indifference.
I dropped my towel. Let him see what he had been missing. What he lost. What he had done and what he came back to. He deserved one last look before he’d finally kill me. Not that he cared, but it would be highly satisfying for me.
I put my wet hair up, grabbed my nightgown, and slid it over my damp body before I slowly turned around.
And there he was.
Tall.
Dark.
His massive shadow blocked the door and all I could make out for sure were those two specs of blue glowing in the dark.
He still wore black, like the shadow was. I always found his choice of clothing funny. Cliche even. I couldn’t remember all the times I joked about his long, black leather coat. Ridiculous, but damn, he was still a sight for sore eyes.
His body almost covered the entire doorframe. His muscular arms were crossed as he stood there in complete silence. Silence I didn’t know I had been missing.
For a long moment, we just stare at each other until I remembered that I hated him.
“Rubina.” God, the way he said my name, with his husky, rich voice almost brought me to my knees right then and there. How I hated his voice. The memory of it. The things he used to whisper to me. Carefully chosen words rolled off his tongue. His tongue. His skilfully...
No! I hate him!
There was a time I was convinced he was some kind of God. I never told him and I never will. Because by now I was convinced he was the devil in a very nice suit.
“Did no one ever tell you it is rude to enter someone’s home without permission?” I asked dismissively, trying to sound cool when I was anything but.
“But you are not just someone, are you?” he replied, watching me carefully.
I shook my head as I tried to pass him. He didn’t move. Leaving only little room for me to push by. Squeezing past him, my body touched his. My senses filled with his familiar scent, bringing back memories I didn’t want in my head right now or ever again.
“What do you want?” I snapped on my way to the kitchen to grab a glass of water. I needed something stronger, but it was never a good idea to drink when Emanuel was around. It clouded my judgment, and I might forget that I despised him.
He didn’t answer. He has never been one for many words. I used to like that about him. But his silence has never felt that heavy. That dangerous.
Annoyed I turned around and he was right there. Caging me in between his strong arms and his body. I could feel his breath on my cheek and for a moment I allowed myself to get lost in those blue eyes. I allowed him to use his most potent weapon against me. Disarming me as if he never went away.
But he did.
He left me.
Without a word.
“What do you want?” I tried again, angry with myself for letting my guard down.
“Don’t you know?” he asked with a whisper.
My heart started beating faster. I tried to keep my breathing normal. There were a few options but I wouldn’t like any one of them.
“Why are you still working at that damn bar?” he broke the lingering silence. He even had the audacity to sound annoyed with me. Working a regular job. Unlike him.
“Because I want to!”
He just nodded, before trailing his nose from the base of my neck up to my jaw. Oh God!
“Emanuel,” I sighed, hating that he could still do that to me. Making me want him. At least a part of me did. The other part wanted to push him out of the window.
But he was unbreakable.
He was a fucking God. A Devil in disguise. My personal hell.
“I like it when you say my name,” he grumbled against my skin.
But that was all it took to snap out of it. He leaned back to look at me, his eyes locked onto mine. I held his gaze, while my hand slid over the counter until my fingers reached one of the kitchen knives.
I didn’t hesitate and stabbed it right into his hand. He didn’t even flinch, but he let me go, and I used the opportunity to get as far away from him as possible.
Calmly, he pulled the knife out of his hand, leaving a trail of blood on the counter. It meant nothing to him because he was void of any feelings or emotions.
The hole in his hand closed within seconds and he simply washed the blood off his skin. Simple as that.
“What is it you want, Emanuel?” I hissed at him.
“Did no one ever tell you it´s rude...” he started, but I wasn’t having it. I couldn’t stand him acting like he could joke around with me. I had no humor left, especially if it was at my expense. Not from him.
“Shut up! What do you want? After three fucking years? And don´t you dare tell me you were in the neighborhood!”
“I was,” he simply answered, which made me even more furious.
“No, you weren´t!”
He tilted his head like I was the crazy one.
I wasn’t!
He was!
He was a lunatic and he was dangerous. Two things I didn’t want in my apartment in the middle of the night.
I knew he had a habit of stalking me. He always had and I always found it so damn attractive. I know, only a psycho could find such a trait attractive, but it was just the way he casually stalked me. Like it was the most natural thing to do.
Nothing about Emanuel was natural though.
I watch as he reached for something in his coat. Probably his gun. He would aim and pull the trigger before I could even finish my last, dying thought.
“Is that why you’re here?” I asked, but instead of a gun, he produced a thick white envelope, holding it out to me. The minute I realized what he had in his hand, I shook my head.
“No, thank you! You can keep it!”
“You know I can´t,” he came closer with the white envelope ready to make my life miserable all over again. He might as well pull the trigger on me.
“I don´t want it!”
Was it sympathy in those blue eyes? No! No, he didn’t care! I knew better.
“Three years, Nina.”
“Don’t call me that! And I know how long it’s been.”
“Well, time is up, baby.”
“Don’t. Call. Me. That.”
He sighed and shoved the envelope against my chest. “Take it!”
“Since when are you the delivery boy?” I ignored the pressure he put against my chest.
“I’m not!”
“Then why?”
“Like I said: time’s up. You can’t run forever!”
“I’m not running anywhere.”
“Maybe you should.”
I shook my head. “Impossible.”
“Exactly.”
With a sigh, I took the envelope, my fingers brushed his. A mistake. I couldn’t touch him. He couldn’t touch me. I used to laugh about the rules, but now they felt like a lifeline.
No personal relationships. No falling in love. Ever.
I looked at the heavy envelope in my hands. I used to admire the heavy paper. It always felt expensive. I never understood why. Why such a fuss over a name and a time?
But they liked their theatrics and seemed to care about small details, like expensive paper and careful handwriting. All that beauty just to deliver a death note.
“Who is it?” I asked though he wouldn’t know. It wasn’t his envelope to open, and he wasn’t allowed to. Rules and all.
“I don’t know. It’s your mission. I’m not allowed to open it.”
“You’re not?” I looked at him suspiciously. It had been three years since my last letter and I knew that wasn’t normal. Sure, you got some time off between jobs but never three years.
“You know the rules!”
Oh, yes. I knew. His precious rules. With an annoyed shake of my head, I opened the envelope.
There was money inside, but I didn't pay much attention to it, since I didn't really want it. There would be blood on this money. Blood I had to shed if I wanted to see another sunrise.
Next, I looked at the postcard inside, turning it, so the golden letters would catch some light.
PRODITOR
There were three categories. Proditor – The traitor. Peccatori – The sinner and last but not least Mendax – The liar.
I had no idea what the actual difference was and I never thought that it mattered. For me, they were all just the bad guys. That’s what I thought at least. Now I wasn’t so sure anymore.
Who decided who lives and who dies?
The man in white? The man who called themselves the voice of fate?
Supposedly our job was to fulfill a duty to keep good and evil in balance. But what is good and what is evil?
“What did he do?” I asked, glancing at the name without reading it yet.
“No questions, Rubina. You know you can’t ask anything!”
I looked up at him, “I can ask whatever I want!”
He shook his head, “you know better. Besides, you wouldn't like the answer. So why ask a question you don’t want the answer to?”
“But-”
“No!” he stopped me with a hard look in his eyes. “I did what I could, but Ryan-,” he stopped himself, “stop asking questions, just do what you do best!” he suddenly snapped. He looked angry, which could be quite impressive. But I didn’t care. If he wanted to kill me he would have by now.
I hated him for bringing me this letter. This name. And for making me remember. Remember that I missed him. That I haven't always hated him. Remember that he made me a killer. Just like him.
“Open it!”
But I just closed my eyes, trying to find a way out. When I opened them again, he was gone. A shadow. Gone with the wind.
“I hate you!” I whispered into the darkness, hoping he could still hear me. Hoping he knew that I meant it this time.
I turned the card in my hand and read the information I needed to proceed.
James van Houten
21:00
And with that, I knew exactly what to do. I never understood how it worked, but by reading the name I knew everything there was to know about this man.
It was like by some kind of magic he became the prey and I the hunter. Like I could smell him, find him with ease. And I knew what I had to do. I had no choice anymore or else it would be my name on one of those magic death notes.
I moved back to the bathroom, pushing my hand against the upper corner of the mirror. With a mechanical rustle, the mirror slid to the side and opened the door to another room. A secret room I hadn’t been in for quite some time.
Neon lights flickered and turned the room even deadlier than it already was. I pinned the card next to all the others. I kept them, even though it was not allowed. I was supposed to burn them, right after the job was done.
I was never good at following rules.
My eyes wandered over my collection of weapons. Guns and knives neatly hung on the walls. I didn´t want to be here. It felt cold. I felt cold and I hated it.
