Unanswered Question
Chapter One Draft
(Unanswered Questions)
At what point do we have all the answers? When are we old enough to have all the knowledge to help our youth? Who decides what are the right answers to our questions? When will people learn from the past?
Unfortunately, the answer to these may not be what you want to hear. We will never have all the answers. We will never be old enough to know everything. Who decides the right answers? No one, we are just winging it and hoping for the best. People will never learn from the past.
I have seen a lot of pain and I have felt a lot of pain. But I too have not learned from the past. Repetition is my biggest fault. Like many before, after and currently around me the world has hurt us. Well at least that’s what I say. I blame the world. In case you can’t tell I am not good at taking responsibility. I have so many questions, the biggest one being why. Why must we suffer at the hands of others? Why can’t people take responsibility? Why did this happen to me? Why do we never learn? Why can no one answer my questions?
Do doctors, researchers, priests, teachers and others who like to try and teach and explain the world to others, really know the answers? I understand they are going by what they have learned through years of research but how can we come this far but still not have the answers to help.
Why did they lie?
Why don’t they have any remorse?
Why don’t they love me enough?
What did I do to deserve this?
These questions have more than one answer yet no answer at all. What is correct? I’m sure if there wereanswers to these that made sense then they probably would not be what we want to hear. Ignorance is bliss. I may come across as being negative, but its not so much negativity but anger, frustration and a feeling of being lost that has me this way. I asked questions but never really got answers. This led me to form my own. The answers I formed were definitely not what I wanted to hear, but will they ever be?
I will tell you and explain what it is I am ever so worked up over. I ask you keep an open mind and understand things are never what they look like. Understandings of certain situations vary which is why there can never truly be an answer or explanation as to the why.
My name is Emer Glynn, I’m 21 years old, I come from a small village in County Galway Ireland. I have two sisters and a brother.
My brother, Padraic, is an old soul. For a lad of 17 years old he can certainly make it seem like he has been here before. He has away of talking and listening to people that makes you feel comfortable and like he is going to make something big and important out of himself. He always carries kindness with him, especially when dealing with the older generation. On the other hand, I do wonder if he will ever understand that things aren’t always simple. He has at times quite a naive way of thinking. Makes me fear that one day something will shock him so bad it may take all his kindness away.
One of my sisters, Cait, is a tortured soul. The unfairness of the world took its toll on her. A very smart person, you would think they weren’t listening or trying to learn but like a sponge they could soak knowledge up. At the age of 14 drugs became her best friend and would eventually destroy what happiness if any she had left. People would always say ‘it’s such a shame I remember how smart your sister was’ which I found more offense than anything, as if to say if she was less intelligent it wouldn’t make any odds? Now at the age of 23 she is trying to find her happiness and will to live. Even though I may not recognise her anymore, I believeeventually she will find peace within herself and the world.
Then there is my twin sister, Grace, who is quiet and never causes any trouble. She is gorgeous and seems happy. I am jealous of her. To be able see all the good in the world and to get on with her life like nothing bad ever happened gives me slight hope but not enough to believe I will ever fully be content in my world. She has an answer to everything.
‘Why did this happen to us?’ I would ask, ‘well because that is life, and we should be grateful it wasn’t worse and get on with our lives’ she would answer. And like that she would, just get on with her life. No signs of pain and genuine happiness. I don’t want to sound mean and like my sister does not deserve to be happy, I just wish I could be strong like her.
Then there is me. I frown a lot. I cry a lot. I take medication to try and control my anxiety. I have a boyfriend who I love but I’m so afraid that the unhappiness inside me will consume him, I feel as though my reluctant ability to deal with my past will surely bring our relationship to a crashing end. It will be sad, because it is a beautiful love. I feel happiness when he is around me and I feel safe with a full sense of love. But then he goes. The demons creep in, start running around my head and lead me to be so miserable that when he comes back sometimes I take that and share it with him. I make him miserable even though I don’t want to. I am toxic and hurt people when I don’t mean to.
At the beginning of it all though there is my parents.
My mother, Maire, is difficult. She holds so much anger in her, and like me, she tries to make others suffer because of it. I don’t pretend to understand her because I don’t. She is brave and smart. She knows right from wrong just not how to apply it. I would like to say she has a caring nature, but I see more selfishness than anything. She is easily annoyed with a constant problem with overreacting and making things worse. My mother is a very sad person.
My father, Darragh, is tormented. I believe there was a time when he was better than this. I think my mother turned him into something else. I believe her toxic behaviour and constant need to make others suffer made him miserable and paranoid. Constantly tip toeing around her afraid that something he is doing will annoy her and no amount of sorry will be good enough. I know he loves her, but I think he is in love with how my mother was a long time ago and not who she is now. My fathers anger is terrifying and he has a constant need to know everything and try to control it. I will say this though, my father shows love towards us the most. He does and has done more for us than my mother. I believe at the end of I all he does want us to succeed.
Don’t get me wrong this is not a hate piece. We all have ugly things about us, some people just show them more than others. What goes on behind closed doors is the revealing of true behaviours. I love my family and we have all been through a lot. But I want to know why.
