We Find Love

“It’s not you—It’s me,” Dalton sits across from me. he wears the shirt I bought him for Christmas, and although I know he shaves every morning he has a five-a clock shadow that I can’t seem to ignore. He clearly hasn’t brushed his hair in days, and he smelled like underside of my younger brother’s bed. “It’s just—We’re going on different paths and,”

“How long have you been sleeping with her?” I question, and Dalton sucks in a breath. He clicks his teeth, sitting back in his seat with a huff.

“Rae,” he starts, and I click my tongue back at him, slowly lifting my tea glass and sipping the hot liquid. “Not long,” he says.

“I find that hard to believe,” I say, setting down my teacup. “I will get my things from your apartment, and I’ll be gone by the afternoon—By the way Jason and Louis want to kick you out, they think you’re a terrible roommate but they’re too scared to say anything to you,” I say, pushing out of my seat. “I hope you’re happy,” I say, dropping a few crumpled bills on the table before stepping away. “And you smell horrendous, I hope your new girlfriend has a bad sense of smell because she’ll get tired of you quick,” I state, before stepping away from the table, and pushing out of the café.

I walk down the street as quick as I can. My heart was thudding against my chest, and it felt like my throat was squeezing close. I make a sharp left, and head straight down into the subway, pushing through crowd and trying my hardest not scream. When I make it to the platform, I lean against a wall taking a deep breath. After a moment I lean up against the wall, sliding down and pulling out my phone calling Casper and hoping he answered.

Thankfully he did. “Quick I’m headed into a gig,” Casper whispers.

“Dalton broke up with me—And now I’m homeless,” I state.

“Hold up wait whoa,” Casper gasps. “When? Where? And where is he so I can kick his ass,” Casper growls.

“Just now, and Java Bean—That ass hole knows I love Java bean,” I say, pulling my legs into my chest not even bothering to think how dirty the floor I was sitting on was. “And I just need a place to stay—Where are you?”

“I’m on the upper side! I can get Atlas to pick you up! Or maybe Mindy,” Casper says.

“Both of them hate me Cas!” I state.

“Atlas does not hate you! You guys just had sex and then you ended things!” Casper states.

“There was nothing to end, he wanted to keep things casual, so I did and then I started dating Dalton that isn’t my fault, he started dating Kathleen and now they’re practically married—She doesn’t like me very much either,” I spill out. “Why doesn’t anyone like me” I sigh, resting my head on my knees.

“Baby girl,” Casper sighs. “I’ll cancel my gig, but you owe me big time, I’ll be at your house in an hour—Alright?” Casper says.

“Thank you, you’re a life saver,” I breathe out. “I love you,”

“I love you times a million,” Casper kisses back, before ending the call. If there was one person, I knew I could count on. It was Casper. When I told my mother I wanted to go to school for fine arts and photography, and not stay home and get married to Jimmy Henson, a farmer’s son. Casper was the one that let me stay in his house until my mother calmed down. When I moved into the city to go to school, Casper was at my side, we lived together all of college, until we graduated, and I met Dalton—And then I moved in with him. Casper was the only stable person in my life.

I hear the approaching train and scramble to my feet. I dust myself off, joining the waiting passengers and ignoring the looks I was receiving. I step onto the train, stepping to the back before it got too crowded. I pull out my ear buds pulling them out and plugging them in—I quickly get lost in my music, it was the only thing that made me feel good. Only thing that made me feel sane, that and my art. I took pictures for the school paper, but that was nothing compared to my real interest. Casper was my main muse; he was the only person that let me get creative. Everyone else barely let me take their picture, they always had excuses, or we had creative difficulties. Soon I wouldn’t have to worry about any of that, because people would hire me for my work, and not volunteer to help me.

The train arrives at Green Hill Station faster than I would have liked. It’s a high tower station, so I must walk down to the main road, which is usually crowded with people and cars all trying to move down the street. I make it to the main road, people pushing their way down the road home. I step onto the street joining the rat race and doing my best to keep up with the pace of the others. When I make it to my building, I push my way inside and the lobby is mostly empty, with only the flirty receptionist, and the clueless tenant without too much time on their hand.

“Good afternoon, Rae,” Donnie the receptionist smiles at me, and I can only smile back in her direction before heading up to apartment 35D.

I moved into 35D, literally 5 weeks after my college graduation. I was still working at a diner—Now I’m working at a bar, and I had to share the bathroom with Dalton and his 3 roommates. Now it’s just Dalton, Louis, and Jason—You’d think the three were close because they live together, but they’re far from it. Jason is working on becoming a lawyer, and Louis wants to be a cook—None of them are home because of school, and when they are home, they’re working or relaxing by themselves. I push into the apartment and Louis is cooking in the kitchen, a drunk looking girl leans against the counter watching him like he was on the food network.

“Aye! Soncerae back from work already?!” Louis shouts.

“Not at work—Actually just got dumped,” I state, shutting he door behind me, and Louis drops his knife on the counter.

“Christ that idiot didn’t,” Louis gasps, walking over to me.

“I’m okay Lou,” I sigh, but he’s already pulling me into a hug. He smelled like rum, his signature drink of choice; and he was clearly cutting fish because he smelled like the marina. He pulls away looking me over. “I’m fine,” I sigh.

“What’s going on?” Jason questions, stepping out from his room. “Did I hear that Dalton dumped you?” he questions.

“You heard correctly—And I have to grab my things, because I’m guessing he doesn’t want me staying here,” I state.

“Well, we don’t want you not staying here!” Louis exclaims. “The neanderthal doesn’t even do his own laundry!? What is he going to do without you?!” Louis shouts.

“Guys, Guys!” I sigh, putting my hands up. “I know you’re upset—I’m upset too,” I say, with a soft shrug. “3 years and he’s dumping me for some girl, probably a coworker it’s always a coworker,” I sigh.

“You don’t deserve this Rae,” Jason sighs sadly.

“I should pack,” I swallow my words with a nod, squeezing my hands at my side to fight back the tears. I march back to my room, shutting the door behind me quickly before the boys could say anything else. Me and Dalton’s room was practically split down the middle. He had one side, and I had the other, my side was of course the cleaner side. I grew up with rather strict parents; the type of parents that wanted you to make your bed every morning and didn’t believe any clothes should have wrinkles on them. Dalton on the other hand was the only child, and his mother coddled him until the day he moved out. Casper wondered how I lasted so long with him, but people can be easily convinced when you give them things they want—Dalton wanted sex, so for him to do things I wanted, I had to do things he wanted. It wasn’t much, Dalton wasn’t very bright when it came to a lot of things, so he wasn’t asking for too many X-Rated things.

I start with my clothes, quickly shoving everything into a duffle before moving onto my personal belongings. Books, movies, posters, pictures. Leaving behind anything Dalton ever bought for me or gave to me as a gift. It takes me an hour to pack, and I keep myself together the entire time. It was hard, but I knew if I started crying, I wouldn’t stop. I’m alerted by Casper’s arrival by a single text message, and then he’s knocking on the front door.

“Aye, Aye—Where is she?” I hear him shout, and then he’s pushing open my bedroom door. “Baby girl,”

“Don’t—I don’t feel like crying,” I sigh, but he’s already pulling me into a hug and rubbing my back, cooing at me like I’m a wounded bird. I rest my head on his chest, catching my breath for what feels like the first time today.

“He’s an idiot,” Casper whispers rubbing my back. He pulls away caressing my face, looking me over but I’m still holding it together.

“I don’t feel like crying,” I say again, stepping back and grabbing my bags. “Can we go please? Now?”

“Yes, Yes—A car is waiting for us downstairs, I have somewhere to go quickly and then we’ll head back to my place, okay?” Casper says.

“Fine, Fine—Let’s just go,” I say.

“Let’s go,” Casper says.

After Casper graduated university with a major in liberal arts, and a minor in journalism he didn’t think he’d really, he’d find a good job in his lane, so went down a different path. He started working at a gay bar named Glimmer and one thing led to another and now he’s in the high-paying escorting business. I don’t ask what he does, or what he must do all I know is he has enough money to take us on expensive trips, and expensive things. He lived in the downtown area of the city; right next to Citi Streets; The shopping district. He didn’t live on the top floor of his building, but he was high enough that you could see pretty much the entire city.

Casper sets me up in one of his guest rooms. “You can stay as long as you like, you know you’re always welcome but just so you know, on Thursday’s I have some friends over for fun time, and sometimes I bring home with me, if that’s the case I’ll totally text you beforehand and I suggest you get some noise cancelling headphones,” Casper lays out for me.

“Thanks for the information,” I sigh, crawling into his bed. “I’m just going to disappear now—Wake me up when everything is over,” I say, crawling under the blankets.

“Oh babes—You know you were way too good for him anyway! And you two were drifting apart we all could see it,” Casper tells me, sitting at the end of the bed.

“That doesn’t make me feel any better—He was sleeping around, and then coming home to me for god knows how long, and now he’s broken up with me which means he’s found someone he really likes,” I say, burying my face in my pillow. “I just need some time alone.” I state.

-2 weeks Later-

“She just lies there and sleeps. I don’t think she’s gotten up to use the bathroom, or even eat—I’m getting worried,” I hear Casper say. He’s talking about me again, he’s worried again, but I don’t know what to do. I didn’t think I’d be taking it this hard. I knew the end for me, and Dalton was nearing but I didn’t think it was coming so soon. We did everything together, we watched all my favorite shows together, and went to all my favorite places together—There was nowhere that didn’t remind me of Dalton. And he might have been incompetent at times, and he had the attention span of a brain-dead squirrel, but he was mine. “I don’t know! Bring something to cheer her up, you’re friends with her too!”

I had to move eventually. I had to start working again and start working on my portfolio. I couldn’t lie in my sadness forever. And Casper was only half right, I didn’t leave the room, but I did use the bathroom. Showering was a lot of effort but holding in urine was never a good idea. But from the smell of my body, I could tell I needed a shower—I smelled like bed sweat, and sadness. My stomach also felt so empty it was possible I was eating myself at this point. There is a light knock on the door, and I hear it push open slightly.

“Rae-Rae,” Casper whispers out. “Rae I’m worried,” he says. “I know you wanted some time alone but—I haven’t seen you leave this room in weeks beloved,”

“I just—Don’t know what to do,” I admit, my voice raspy and unused.

“How about eat?” Casper says. “Maybe shower? I can change the sheets for you!” Casper says, I throw the blankets off the body and Casper is standing over me. He has a worried look on his face, and I can tell he’s headed out to meet a client.

“Busy day?” I question sliding out of bed.

“Nothing is too busy for you,” Casper says, helping me the rest of the way out of bed. “Now shower, Atlas is bringing lunch!”

“Atlas,” I whine out.

“Come on now, stop the moping and whining!” Casper says. “He wants to help you with your breakup blues! It was either him or your mother,”

“Oh god no—All she’d do is drag me back to the farm,” I say, running my fingers through my hair. “I can’t go back to the farm,”

I am 1 of 9 children. I had 4 older siblings and 4 younger siblings. My parents had so many for many reasons—One of them being helping on the farm. They also wanted government aid, and my mother always believed big families were a gift from god, so they had as many as they could, until my mother’s Doctor said she couldn’t bear another child without risking death, and my mother got her tubes tied.

I am the only one out of the 9 children who left the farm and our small little town of Hamilton; I’ve since been outcasted by my family; except my younger sister Matilda who is two years younger than me, and the only person that understands me. She’s the only one that still answers me, and the only one that I tell anything too. If my family knew how my life was going in the city, they’d kidnap me and lock me in the barn themselves; and if my mother found out I broke up with Dalton and I’m now homeless she’d tried to match me up with the first person she could find.

“Shower.” Casper claps his hands together. “You know Atlas drives fast,” he says, pushing me towards the bathroom.

“I’m showering, I’m showering,” I state, shuffling into the bathroom and shutting the door. I turn the shower on the hottest setting so I can feel something, before climbing inside. I let the water run over my body until my entire body is on fire and it feels like I’m being embraced. I run my fingers through my knotty hair a few times before conditioning and combing it with my fingers again. When I’m finished, I wash off a few times before shaving and hopping out of the shower. Casper is no longer in the room when I enter, and I quickly get dressed, ruffling through my bag to find a decent outfit to wear, even though I wasn’t planning on leaving the house.

When I leave the room, Casper is on the phone out on the balcony. His TV is playing the news, and he was playing music from his oversized stereo that also had a turntable for vinyl’s. I drop down on the couch, and Casper joins me in the room.

“I called my friend and told him I’m going to be a little late,” Casper tells me.

“I don’t want to keep you,” I tell him. “You’re a busy boy—You have to pay your bills,” I say, before pushing off the table. “Speaking of which I probably should find a job so I can pay you for my stay, and I need to find a place to live—I was working part time at the bar Dalton works at but—I don’t think I can even show my face there anymore, it’s too embarrassing,”

“Soncerae!” Casper claps his hands together. “Breath girl, breath,” he says grabbing my shoulders. “I don’t need help paying for anything, you can stay here as long as you like until you get back on your feet, okay?”

“Okay,” I whisper out.

“I can probably help you find some work,” Casper says, pulling away from me and sitting down on the couch.

“No offense, but I don’t think I want to go into that line of work,” I say, sitting down on the couch next to Casper, and he laughs.

“No, No! I have friends who have friends, I can ask around for you!” Casper states, I open my mouth to reply but the front door opens, and I’m stopped. I turn to see Atlas followed by Kathleen. They carry brown paper bags and trays with drinks.

“We brought sandwiches and drinks,” Atlas announces. “And look who’s out of bed!” he says, setting the bags on the coffee table.

“Yes, Yes, I’ve risen,” I state.

“Well Casper ordered your favorite, I bet your hungry,” Atlas says, sitting across from me and digging out my meal.

“Starving actually,” I admit. I grab the sandwich and drink, sitting back on the couch and getting comfortable.

“I’m sorry to hear about your boyfriend Rae, I know you guys have been together forever,” Kathleen says.

“All things must come to an end at some point right,” I say with a shrug. “That was going nowhere anywhere,”

“He’s the dumbest person I know babes,” Casper comments, earning a nod from his brother.

“I know, I know,” I sigh, leaning back in the seat. “I just—I was comfortable, I was happy enough,” I say.

“And you will be happy again with someone better!” Casper nudges me.

“I’m not going to be dating anyone for a very long time,” I state. “I just need to be alone right now,”

“Healthy,” Atlas nods. “It’s good to be healthy,”

“I say you be a little unhealthy and at least hook up with someone!” Casper states. “Dalton can’t be your last person you sleep with before you get into a new relationship, gross!” Casper says.

“Casper,” Atlas starts.

“Don’t start with me, she knows I’m right!” Casper holds up his hands. “You must sleep with someone, it doesn’t even have to by someone cute, just someone easy and available! It’ll be meaningless,” Casper says.

“I guess you’re not wrong,” I sigh, and Atlas scoffs rolling his eyes.

“Of course, I’m right, I’m me,” Casper smiles.