lost in the thought of you

I know it’s been days, months, hell it’s nearly even been a year. You still encapsulate my mind more than anything else. You have no idea how hard it is to force myself to stop thinking about you sometimes. I should be over you. I made that choice. But if there was any other way, it would have been you. You are everything I dream of and more. Of course, it wasn’t pretty, it never is no matter what they tell you. But it was pure, everything of me, was for you.

We fought; we made up. You were a mess and so was I. But we were getting better, and I had to abandon you, with no notice, I was just gone. Oh, if I could stay. The future we could have had. What I’d give for that. But we couldn’t. Maybe you’re better off, we don’t talk anymore, but I still think of you. If you still carry that adorable puppy energy that I loved.

You were scared, but aren’t we all? However, you were cut deep, so deep it couldn’t be hidden with long sleeves and oversized hoodies. Couldn’t be hidden with a smile. But I understood that, you didn’t have to hide from me. I accepted you for you, that’s what you saw in me and I in you.

We were open with each other, you more than I. I could barely walk but you helped hold me up. You kept me going, through whatever I was going through. I could barely deal with it; I can’t imagine what it did to you. I turned from a charming sweetheart, to stern, cruel, cold. It was breaking you; I couldn’t let that happen, I had to go. It couldn’t be any other way, as much as it breaks us.

I was the first you had ever trusted, completely. I ruined that; I wouldn’t be surprised if you could never trust another again. But maybe an angel swooped in, healed you. Saved you from all that I was. Someone whole that could help you, not two broken people entwined in love. But someone there for you. I wished I could be more for you, but I’m barely enough for me, so how could I?

I still think back to our first holiday, just you and I out there in the wilderness, we couldn’t keep our hands off each other. We adventured, I cooked for you, we climbed mountains, not just physically. I wanted that forever, just me and you and nothing else. I was completely and utterly a fool in love. The midnight swims, 4am hikes, non-stop smiles, I couldn’t take my eyes off you, you are so beautiful. Too good for this world, to good for my world.

Then it happened, my world turned so cruel, so cold. That I had to change it. If a flower is dying, we don’t change the flower, we fix the environment it’s in. But you were getting better in your environment, so I couldn’t ask you to come with me, runaway like two criminals. Runaway like we were enough. But we are. That’s why it’s so ironic. Because albeit that I was suffering, you were beginning to thrive, a new job, new friends, new life. You hadn’t moved but your environment had vastly improved.

For me, I was lost, stuck. No clue on where to go. If there was a flash off things having the chance of getting better, I would’ve stayed for you, it would sacrifice anything for you, but I couldn’t never bestow that on you, the curse that is me.

You weren’t ready for that, nor was I. As much as I wanted to believe it. Now I drown out the thoughts, you can only guess the vices. But I am getting better, therapy, it works. Haven’t even begun on our story because it’ll ruin me. As much as I want to break down and cry of the heartbreak, I shall always love you, no matter how far, I am still yours.