What is your opinion?
Some beautiful descriptions!
"You have a very lyrical way of writing that I appreciate - some of your descriptions were really stunning! I like the way you set the scene, but I wish that there was a little more to the middle of this story. I would have loved a bit more insight into the pair's history and the conversation, as well as your main character's feelings about Mari's confession. I'll definitely be watching your page for more writing in the future!"
Short Review
"Okay so when I read the blurb, I noticed that even though it appeared to reveal a lot, it was rather vague. We have no idea who Mari is and what her relevance is in Hiroshimi's life. Also, for the first three paragraphs, it felt like the story was being told not shown. A lot of basic words like coffee and cigarette were repeated too. If the leaving of Mari was such an important point in the story, I don't think it should have taken place in such a dry scene. Without dialogue and proper descriptions, you lose the intended effect. Not to mention a few grammatical errors I noticed along the way. Hopefully, there'll be an improvement in future chapters. "
Lime Forest
"“Smoked slowly to rhyme… “ That was my favorite line of this potentially great story. The beautiful imagery is effective, but watch out for repetition. For example, count how many times you used the word “cigarette.” There are many fun synonyms for cigarettes and smoking. Mari’s decision could have much more impact if it were presented through dialog rather than simple narrative. You could also include a tangible expression of Hiroshi’s anguish. The Elvis song is a nice touch, but the line is “Fools rush in.”"
