1
Chapter one
It was raining that night. The first time I left him it was raining. The second time that I left him it was snowing. This time there just so happens to be a tornado watch. A fucking tornado watch. Who would have guessed. It just so happens to fit the timing perfectly. Right when my life goes up in flames, Mother nature says here’s some wind to fuel the dull flame. You would think that I learned from the first time he cheated on me, but nope. I just needed him to show me twice how much of an ass he could be.
I angrily swipe at the tears that threaten to fall. I should’ve learned the first time. The crying. The pain of feeling like someone’s hands were wrapped around my heart to yank it from my chest. I allowed him to break my heart not just once. But three times! How could I be so stupid?
“She doesn’t want to see you,” I hear someone yell interrupting my thoughts.
I don’t dare stop to glance toward the ajar door.
“I just need to talk to her,” I hear him say back, his voice almost holding a touch of sincerity. .
“I think you’ve done enough. You need to leave,” She responds.
The chatter drowns into the background, my hands shaking uncontrollably as I shove my clothes into the tiny suitcase. I don’t need to pack much, just the essentials and enough toiletries to last me until I can move into my own place. For now, I can stay with Ciara. It’s perfect since I just got a job in the city. I should be out of her hair within the month.
I just feel stupid for dragging her through this again. She’s my best friend and every time I tell her I’m done with this man, I take him back. I shove myself right back into the same old cycle, and somehow I drag her back into it with me. What kind of friend does that make me? The good kind? The bad kind? The liar? If I were her would I even want to be my friend? All of this drama, and for what? Because I can’t make up my mind over one shitty man. Come on Adaline. Get your shit together. You can’t keep bringing people into your shit every time things get tough. It’s not nice.
I can feel the tears sliding down my cheeks before I have a chance to stop them. Why am I so fucked up? Why can’t I have nice things too?
I didn’t think it would hurt like this again. That’s the part no one tells you-how each time it cuts deeper, because now there’s no innocence left to blame it on. Just me, and my stupidity for believing him. My chest heaves in on itself, breaths turning sharp, uneven. I press my hand onto my mouth, but it doesn’t stop the sound from escaping me-broken, humiliating.
And then arms wrap around me.
Warm. Steady. Real.
Ciara’s voice comes softly and reassuringly. “No matter how many times you run back to him, I’ll be right here when you need someone to drag you out. You’re not in this alone,” she rests her chin along the side of my head “You’re allowed to cry as many times as you need too, but I refuse to let you forget this pain. This pain will be your fuel. This pain will be your desire to leave him in the dirt where he belongs.”
And she does. My tears and ugly cries are a testament to the hole, I feel burrowing its way into where I feel my heart should be instead.
The worst part about all of this is that no matter what happens, I will always love him. He was my first boyfriend. My first love. My first time. David and I had met when we were in highschool, he came into my life at a time where it was just Ciara and me. He filled my life in ways Ciara couldn’t. We built a life here in San Diego with each other and now all of that was for nothing. He slipped up. Not by accident, but with the intent to hurt me. Again. I could almost laugh at myself. I coach women on how to be the perfect man eater, yet I let a man treat me like I was worthless. Like I was nothing.
I can’t forgive him this time. Forgiving him would mean I’m allowing him to do the worst and that no matter what, I’ll stay with him. So no. I won’t forgive him. With time this little love I have for him will disappear. It will dwindle into nothing until all that is left is the hate and fury that he rightfully deserves. Using my hand to wipe the tears from my face, I lean away from Ciara. Looking down at the suitcase on the bed, I reach down, zipping it closed, closing the final chapter of this story.
I don’t know what the future will have in store for me, but what I do know is that I never want to feel this type of pain again. I will never allow a man to hurt me the same way David did.
“I’m ready.”
The words left my mouth final and sure. A statement. A final goodbye.
Ciara nods, reaching for her phone. She gives me a final squeeze, before walking away with her phone to her ear, calling for the cab more than likely. She disappears from the room, the door shutting behind her, leaving me in the room where David and I created a lot of memories. Memories that will no longer matter in a couple of months. Memories that never mattered to him. But this is what he wanted. He wanted his freedom so that’s exactly what I’ll give to him. The women, the lights, the sex, he can have it all. He can’t have me.
Then it hits me all at once.
No sadness. Not even heartbreak.
Rage. A sharp suffocating kind that claws its way up my throat until I can’t breathe around it.
:All that time,,,” my voice comes out shaking, but it’s not weak- it;s furious “I wasted all that time.”
Before I can stop myself, my hand closes around the closest thing- a picture frame- and I hurl it across the room. It shatters on impact. It should scare me. But it doesn’t. Next I’m grabbing whatever I can. A lamp. A book. Anything.
Crash.
Shatter.
Break.
“This isn’t mine,” I choke out, my chest heaving as I rip through the space like a storm. “None of this is mine.”
A light tap echos on the door then it’s pushed open, Ciara’s face coming to view as she enters the room once again. “Ada-” her eyes widened in shock, her eyes darting between me and the mess of the room that I’ve made.
Without a word I reach for my suitcase and turn back to her, smiling. “He can clean this mess up by himself.”
