THE BEST PART OF YOUTH
I told myself I wouldn't dwell on this feeling anymore. . . the longing for a love that never existed, looking for a person that was never mine.
I came to my old school to gather the requirements my sister would need for college. However, here I am, standing in an empty classroom where there used to be a lot of students, but in my eyes, there was only him.
Perhaps the sweet remembrance of youth that came along with the memories of him is why I find it difficult to forget him. I sighed, remembering what might have happened if I hadn't been too shy to tell him how I felt.
For four long years, I watched and admired him from afar. It had been ten years since I last saw him, but his smiles were still vividly visible in some parts of my mind.
A small smile formed on my face as the dust from the windowpanes swirled away. . . Visions of the first time I saw Julian flashed before my eyes.
It was our first day in high school, and he was an instant heartthrob. Girls giggled, cheered, and drooled as he introduced himself to the class.
I was sitting in the last row. Like half of the class, I stared at Julian, knowing he would never look my way.
People didn't bully me. In fact, they said I should be more confident because I was pretty. . . but I eventually became an outcast due to my lack of social skills. Someone completely different from him. He was the center of attention. I was sitting in the shadows. Despite that, I still giggle when we make eye contact.
My feelings grew after weeks of being in the same class as him. He wasn't like most boys I knew. He wasn't rude or arrogant. He had a gentle aura, and his smiles were contagious! I always find myself smiling like a fool when I see him laugh.
Most of the time, my mornings were giddy when my first thought was him. I would come to school with a grin, and I didn't mind if we did not talk. Seeing him had always been enough.
However, the universe caught me off guard when he spoke to me for the first time.
Oh. . . I could never forget the first time we exchanged words.
"Can I borrow a pen?" he asked with a smile.
I wasn't ready, so I stared at him for what seemed like forever. I was panicking! Forget about the butterflies in my stomach. I could feel the whole wildlife there.
"I uhh." He paused and rubbed the back of his neck. "I lost mine earlier," he continued.
My heart was pounding against my chest, but I managed to grab my pencil case. I took out the newest pen I have, the one I haven't used yet, and gave it to him.
"Here," I said, my head hung low.
"Thanks! I'll uhh. . . give it back later," he beamed.
He returned to his seat, leaving me speechless. Since then, I've always brought extra pens, pencils, and paper. I made sure that I had everything he might need to borrow.
I was glad I did because, after our brief encounter, he would always come to me first when he needed something. It could be paper, an extra pen, or project materials.
I even remembered him saying, "I hope I'm not annoying you. If you need anything, don't be shy to ask, okay?"
But just like our first year in high school, those interactions ended too. The following year, Julian wasn't my classmate anymore.
My feelings for him did not waver, even though I only saw him during breaks and after school. However, he suddenly joined the club I was a part of. I couldn't believe it because he used to be in a sports-related club, so I didn't think he would join our school's book club. He probably doesn't know how blissful he made me feel that day. I even forgot that I was shy and smiled at everyone on campus!
When we entered our third year in high school, I found myself falling in love. . . At least, that was how the internet defined my feelings for him.
All I knew was that his joy had become mine. When he's sad, I also feel down. I know the things that would put a smile on his face and the things that upset him.
It was the phase when I wanted to make him smile. I tried to find out what kind of coffee he liked, and I gave him his favorite one by secretly putting it on his desk. I wanted to know him more. . . I wanted to know everything that made him who he was. But I had to respect his boundaries, so I had to settle with the little things I already knew.
No one seemed to be thrilled for Mondays, except for me, who was always excited to see him. I used to be sure that no scenery could ever capture my eyes and heart the way he did.
I joined every school trip even though I wasn't fond of those things. When Julian fell asleep during one of those trips, I accidentally giggled after seeing how cute he was when he slept. My classmate heard me and looked at me weirdly. . . I just hoped that she did not see me looking at him.
Days came and went, but my love for him remained. We finally arrived at our last year in high school.
The year he fell in love. . . but not with me. I knew he would someday. But my heart still shattered, with every piece still holding him dear.
I knew from the start that I could never have him. But I still asked, what did she have that I didn't?
Why couldn't he smile at me like how he smiled at her? Why am I not allowed to hold his hand, but she could? The answer was simple, he didn't have feelings for me. That should be fine. . . but I didn't feel okay.
I tried to be happy for him. I prayed that she would take care of him the way I would. Then I tried to move on and forget my feelings because it didn't feel right anymore.
However, a few days before prom, they broke up. I didn't know what to feel at first. But my worries eventually settled in. I began to wish that it wasn't true.
I wanted so badly to check on him. I debated with myself if I should go to prom or not. I decided to stay put because his friends would probably be there for him. He might have a date too.
When prom night arrived, everyone else on campus enjoyed the night. As for me, I sat on the floor of my room, weeping for our broken hearts. For mine, because it fell for him, the person I couldn't have. For his because he fell in love with someone who wouldn't hold it forever.
A few days after that night, he unexpectedly approached me. We only ever had conversations when have to, or the situation pushed us to. . . But this time was a bit different. He casually walked up to me as if we were close to each other.
"You weren't at prom," he said. "Is it alright if I ask why you didn't attend?"
"O-Oh. . ." I trailed off as I searched for the right words. "I uhm, well. . . Those types of events aren't for me. I was also kinda busy."
"Ah, okay," he said with a smile. "I was looking forward to seeing you in a dress. I bet you'd look pretty in whatever you choose," he chuckled.
My eyes widened, but I quickly composed myself. He was always nice to everyone. I bet he meant nothing by that.
"Oh," I muttered. I took a deep breath to calm my nerves before I grabbed the opportunity to ask, "how are you? I heard you broke up with Jessica."
He laughed, "you knew about that?"
"Well. . . you're quite popular. You don't have to answer if you're uncomfortable with my question, though," I quickly answered.
"No, it's okay." He looked away. "It wasn't serious anyway. We only tried to see if it would work, but it didn't."
"I-I see."
He was about to say something when a friend called him. It looked like he was needed elsewhere.
"Looks like I have to go," he said while scratching his head.
I only nodded because I was still too dazed to reply. He gave me a warm smile before turning away.
He took a few steps before he looked back at me. I held my breath when our eyes suddenly met.
"Uhh. . ." he sighed, looking down at his feet. "See you around," he said when he looked back at me.
I bit my lower lip when he was gone. I tried to forget my feelings for him, but I failed. Since he wasn't in a relationship anymore, I thought it would be okay to stop trying to get over him.
On our graduation day, I knew I would turn into a memory he would soon forget. I badly wanted to say I love him. I knew I wouldn't get a chance later. But I couldn't, so I held back my tears, knowing that our love that never bloomed would finally wither.
I watched him congratulate and wish his friends well. I couldn't deal with the idea of him slowly slipping away, so I went home right after the ceremony.
I would be lying if I said I had never regretted that decision. It had been ten years, but I still think of him sometimes.
For four years, all I did was stare at him from afar. But who would've thought that ten years later, those memories could still bring a smile to my face?
Maybe, he reminded me of the days I was still free to love. He reminded me of those sweet and carefree days. He reminded me of youth.
There were things I couldn't do anymore when I entered college. Everything changed when I began to chase after my dreams while trying to be practical for my family.
There were times when I couldn't even afford to think about love. . . But every time I was close to forgetting, the universe had its own way of reminding me about Julian.
I tried to erase him from my heart. I tried to convince myself that I might've only fallen for the idea of him. I told myself that I didn't know him enough or that a lot might've changed about him, and he wasn't the person I fell in love with anymore.
However, seeing other guys and trying to date a few only became reminders that they weren't him.
They could give me all the stars in the sky, and they still couldn't make my heart beat as fast as he could. I might've fallen a bit too hard for my first love. It was silly.
I closed my eyes as I tried to hold onto the memories, but they soon blurred. I was back to the old, dusty, and empty classroom.
"There you are!" My gaze turned to the door where my sister was standing.
"Are you done talking to your friends?" I asked as I approached her.
"Uh-huh, mom called. She said we better be home before lunch," she informed me.
"Alright," I chuckled. "Let's go home." I held her hand as we walked.
Maybe someday, I will learn to completely forget him. When the universe gets tired of reminding me. When the longing I feel finally comes to an end, and when my eyes start to look at someone else.
I wonder if I ever crossed his mind. Does he still remember my face? Could the universe be playing tricks on him too?
How about, when he gets old and starts reminiscing about his youth, will I. . . come to mind? Because for me, the best part of youth was him. He was a memory that will live in my heart for a long time.
"When are you going back to Canada?" I snapped back to reality when I heard my sister's voice.
"About two weeks from now," I answered.
"Don't you think it's time to stay here. . . with mom and me? You already bought our dream house, and we also have enough money to send me to college-"
"My dream doesn't stop there, Kaia," I said, cutting her off. "Remember when I asked you and mom to come to Canada and live with me? But you told me that your friends are all here."
"Yeah. . ."
"I need to go back, but I'll often visit," I told her.
Defeated, she sighed before letting go of my hands. I didn't even realize that we were now standing in front of my car.
She went inside the car first. While I was still fighting the urge to look back, afraid that more memories would flash before my eyes.
When I was ready to go, I heard familiar voices. But there was one voice that left me frozen.
"Yeah, you even went to prom and refused to dance with anyone!" There were a lot of voices, probably talking to each other.
But I knew that one of the voices was his. The person that unknowingly taught me about love. . .
"As silly as it may sound, I was waiting for someone that night. I wanted to be her first and last dance. Honestly, I went to this reunion because I thought she would come, but just like before, she didn't."
I quickly turned around. My chest tightened at the sight of the person I never thought I would see again.
The world paused when he looked back at me. His lips broke into a smile as he stared at me with. . . gladness?
I didn't know what pushed me to take the first steps toward him, but I found myself right before him.
"Elysia," he said as his soft smile grew wider. "You finally came."
The End.
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