My Terrible Love Life

Well, where do I begin? My name is Caleb Shone and this is my story. Yeah a really boring intro I can see but what gives, I’m speaking facts here and sorry to say this but the ladies who’s names will appear are changed for certain reasons, dem fit say na lie I dey talk. I don’t want to bore you guys with the history of my life, where I grew up, what made me into the monster that you might think I am as we continue but, if interested, we can make that work in another work or something. Let’s get straight to the point shall we?

Like most western movies, my love story started in grade five or as we call it over here, primary five. Her name was Gloria (like I said earlier, the names have been changed but if your name is Gloria and you were in the same class with me back then, it’s not you ️️) and she was a real beauty. I have always had an affinity for mathematics and I excelled at it. We were seat mates and at first I didn’t like it because I was changed from the back seat reason being my height. Yes I was the shortest there but that’s not the point. We weren’t talking for like two days or something I think, it’s a little blurry now but a classwork was given in mathematics and I solved it and submitted earlier than anyone. When I got back to my seat, she smiled at me and told me to “explain” it for her. Of course I knew this meant to solve it so she could copy and she didn’t really care about me but there was something about that warm smile, it was too radiant and I found myself helping her and some of her gal pals.

Things went on like this for a while then we both discovered we were of the same tribe but I couldn’t speak my mother tongue so she offered to teach me in exchange for the maths I helped her with and the deal was struck. During the break time we would go out and while playing she would be teaching me and I learned well. As time went on, I got used to being around her. Each time we had eye contact, my heart skipped, when she touched me I felt goosebumps rising. I wanted to tell her how I felt but I couldn’t bring myself to do it, I stayed with this burden for a long time.

Shortly before the end of the academic session, I told her that I had taken an entrance examination to go to a boarding school for my secondary education and I passed. I felt bad that I was leaving her and I could see she felt a little bad too. Then I was young and innocent, but I knew what a crush meant and what love meant. I loved this lady as I did my sister and no before you have any disgusting thoughts, what I mean is I looked after my sister back then, I was short but whenever she was bullied, she walked to my class and I left with the tall guys of the class for a little intimidation because no one would fear a short senior . Anyways, I loved this girl and she was my first female best friend. I never thought of any romantic relationships or something, I just loved spending time with her but it came to an end when I left the school. I carried this love with me till my senior secondary years before I moved on because distance was a real barrier and we had no means of communicating so I gave up my childish love . Wherever she is now, I still love her and wish the best for her.

From the time I left primary school until my second year in my senior year in secondary school which was roughly about three to four years, I was a nerd and kept to myself, never got involved with the female species, probably because I changed schools a lot and never had time to bond, “James Bond” (sorry I couldn’t help myself ) with anyone so I bonded with my books.

I was made the president of the drama club and boy did we pull off the best shows, I had a very hardworking team, our narrator with the best voice, Jane, we did have a love-hate relationship. I crushed on her but it didn’t last long then I got annoyed by her, probably because of the way she carried herself. Mostly because of the way she walked which I described back then as the walk steps of a peacock and boy was she proud and snobbish. She left the school and I continued my work as drama president diligently. Mary brought our works to do and helped design our costumes, because of her we pulled off the best Shakespearean shows and more drama details but then came Julia, a tall, slim dark lady with a beautiful smile. She joined the club but never wanted to act. She was always around me and I tried to move round in a way that I’ll always “suddenly” appear beside her. I seem to have forgotten how we started dating but boy did I spend my allowances buying little snacks for her, I spent all on Valentine’s Day too and I didn’t mind. Suddenly she started losing interest in me and started falling for an “alpha” male that was my junior. This guy wasn’t good looking in any single bit. I know you all are probably thinking this is jealousy but no it’s not. I’m not handsome and all that chisel shaped chin and stuff, but the margin between us in terms of good looks was as wide as the distance from Abuja to Benue state. I was a nerd and he was cool so I couldn’t fight that. She left me for him and later that term I also changed schools yet again , this was a curse that didn’t seem to want to end.

In my final year in secondary school, the class we call SSS3, I met a girl on Facebook, her name, Precious and precious was she. We just started talking and after two days, she told me she was in my school and I was like “Cool, so see you tomorrow?” And she said yeah and we planned to meet the next day being a Friday after club meeting. She didn’t have any picture on her profile so I felt she was just a normal girl in school. Oh yeah I forgot to mention, I donned the cool guy act in this new school and it seemed to be working, I had a lot of friends, all ladies and this was a concern for the school authorities. I knew deep down that I needed to reduce the way I related with them girls but I loved the attention I was getting, this is common for we nerds, we like attention and when we get a taste of it, it’s hard to step down from that height.

Back to the story, we met after the club meeting and damn was I star struck. Standing before me in a yellow t-shirt and black shorts was Precious. She was really beautiful, perfect nose, nice posture, clear skin and nice shape. Yes I could see it through them shorts. The shorts were a bit tight and she had thick laps. She said hi and I said same and we walked for a bit and went our ways. I went back to my class and told my mates that I was in love.

She came to my class most break periods with her assignments and class works for help and I gladly helped her, mostly maths but I also helped with other subjects. I finally found my courage and asked her out and she took two days to give me a reply, those two days were kinda hell for me, I was battling with myself over her reply, could be a yes or a no I didn’t know and it was torture. I still saw her in school and had to act like I was sane waiting for her. She finally told me to meet her in the library which I did and she whispered yes into my ears. I almost jumped in the library but I composed myself and asked her yes to what and she smiled and got up and left.

We found our spot, the library and no one dared sat on my spot. I wasn’t an intimidating senior, the whole school loved me so if I asked them to move, they got up without complaining, asked me a question that disturbed them and I provided answers. Yes the whole school knew me as a nerd and Precious knew too and she said she loved that part about me. I later discovered she was also a nerd in a way but a cool nerd. I really loved her so much and till today I blame my foolishness for making me treat her the way I did. If she’s reading this I’m very sorry, I know you said it’s cool but I wish I could rewind time, I wouldn’t be a jerk.

Things were peachy until my graduation which was when we had our first kiss. I really was in love with this girl, I could do literally anything for her. People who knew about our relationship would say I was a pedophile but that wasn’t the case, I was still a minor and the age gap between us was just two years so being 17 years and dating a 15 year old wasn’t that bad. I held on to this relationship for eight months and we kept calling each other even when I went to the university. Because of this lady I vowed never to date in university, even now that I write this, I still can’t date a girl from my university, I’ve tried but it never worked and that’s just the way it is.

Every good story has its bad sides. I later heard that we got discovered in school. I left the school to university and she was still there. The principal made schooling hell for her back then. She still held on to me but I didn’t want to be a reason for her to have a bad time in school, so I did something I still regret to this moment. I tried telling her that we should end the relationship and continue when she was done with secondary school because the pressure on her in school made her consider changing schools. She didn’t want to hear it so I met a friend close to her online and tried making her like me so I could ask her out (I never liked this girl, just saw her as a means to an end). We got talking and she agreed to date me. Precious got to hear it and it really pained her so she called it off. When I got back home during the COVID-19 pandemic, I went to meet the principal and told him I was the one who forced her into it, I pinned it all on me for deception and that I got carried away. He was angry but as an A-list student (this man only liked intelligent students so I was on his good and bad sides, the bad sides for always being found amongst ladies) he let me off with a warning telling me that I’ll see girls in university who would take my mind off her in a heartbeat and I’m still waiting for such girls .

So that was the end of the tale of Precious. This lasted for eight months and this has been the longest relationship I’ve ever maintained. Most relationships I get into don’t last more than a week or two and it takes serious efforts to make it reach that long .

Well, during the COVID-19 pandemic period plus the strike of almost all public universities which lasted for about eleven months, I met another girl. A beautiful church girl named Divine. Her voice was really beautiful. Well I had been seeing her in church and she always sang on Christmas carol or some other church program. One day I was in church and she walked in and sat beside me. I was happy and a little while later she asked for my Facebook username and I gladly gave it to her. After a few weeks of chatting, she invited me over to her place and I went gladly. I also don’t remember how we started dating but we were and should I say I was blind to a lot of things. She said no kisses as it could lead to iduplorplor and I agreed. Her birthday was coming up, it fell on Christmas Day and I planned to take her out to celebrate it, just to go see a Christmas movie or something at the cinema. I had the tickets with me and went to her house without calling her to surprise her.

On getting there, I met her friend close to her house and we both went in together, she went in before me and as I stepped in, I saw Divine in a wrapper and trying to adjust it and there was a shirtless guy in her living room. She got up and went into her room without even saying hi. I stood there replaying the scene like a Nigerian movie and it was funny. Instead of feeling pained, I laughed and sat down. The guy I saw stretched out his hand for a handshake and I shook it. I waited for like five minutes then I got up and left with my tickets. She came online that evening and asked why I left without saying bye. I kept my cool and told her she didn’t acknowledge my presence when I walked in so I didn’t see any need to tell her I was going. She then asked if it was because of the guy I saw at her place and I said no. She went on to explain that it was her cousin. I told her I didn’t ask for an explanation and I needed to sleep. That was the end of it between us. I took my best friend Angela to see the movie and we enjoyed the movie.

After her, almost all the other ladies I was with were just not it for me, I got bored easily. There was this girl that broke up with her boyfriend who was a friend of mine from church and started getting too close to me and we got dating. Three days later she said she wanted to end it and went back to her ex, the guy rejected her and we had no beef because we both knew what was happening, what we were doing to her. At first I felt bad when we started but I later lost my heart. She came back to me but I told her she should have thought of this moment before walking away the first time. She wrote a letter to me pleading, I almost felt bad but I just didn’t care anymore.

When the new year came, I remained single until the Christmas season when I met this fair lady at a gas station. She was really pretty and had a great smile. One thing lead to another and we got talking. She worked shifts and on the day she was to be on the evening shift, I went to her house in the morning. She was staying alone and her house was close to her school. She was a student of the state university and she was in her fourth year while I was in my second. Yeah she was older than me by two years but it didn’t bother us at all. At her house we were talking about school and other things then suddenly we kissed and she said she didn’t know why it happened but I liked it. We kept meeting at her place and I went always when she was done with her morning shift which ended by 2pm. I went by 3pm and stayed till around 8pm. Each time I left I didn’t want to leave but I was staying at my parents house and I had a curfew for 7pm. I just stretched it out and gave one or two excuses as to why I was late.

We really loved each other but she didn’t want to put a tag on the relationship because of the age difference. I could see that it was bugging her a lot so we both called it off after a month. What helped me get over her was that I went to school and school stress helped me almost forget her completely.

During the Easter break I came home and met a girl, Esther, after just a day that we met, we started dating. I knew from the start that it would end terribly but I was in it for the fun. Things went well and I came back to school, oh I forgot to say this earlier, I school at the Federal University of Technology Minna, Niger state and my home state is Benue state. So we didn’t mind the distance and we continued till a night that my friends won’t ever let me forget, the “7pm heartbreak”. I’m told almost constantly that my heartbreak was priced in the market by 7pm . Well the reason for this was because I tried calling her by 7pm one day and she kept rejecting my calls. I called three times and she rejected all of them. She called me by a little bit after 8pm and told me the reason she couldn’t answer my call was because she was in the market that night. My roommates heard this and started laughing hard and hence the tale of the “7pm heartbreak” was born. We broke up a week later and a new girl came along almost immediately. Lest I forget, I almost dated her friend but I thank God it didn’t work out.

A new girl started chatting with me and before I knew it, almost every night we were on a video call with each other. Mary was her name. The way she spoke was really cool. She pronounced her words too perfectly and had a really nice nose. We spoke for like a month or two then a week before I went home for the two weeks break we were given at school, we started dating online. When I got home, she came over to meet me and the videos and pictures I saw of her did no justice to her beauty. Coming to think of it, omo I don date fine girls for this life oo. Well things went well and I was trying to save up some cash so I could take her out for a proper date and for her birthday coming up in September. I couldn’t save enough as I was also going back to school that September so I needed money for school too so I bought a hoodie for her and ice cream on her birthday and took it to her house. At her house, I met her elder brother and we clicked, he was an otaku like me and we got talking. We had almost the same interests and I was glad. My girlfriend on the other hand left me and was with another guy that came to see her on her birthday. I didn’t blame her, it was her birthday after all but it felt like I wasn’t there at all. But I had her brother and his girlfriend with me and we talked, made jokes and laughed. I had a good time and went home. I think two days later I called her and told her that it’s best we ended it. Well I saw some signs that she was also loosing interest in me so I just decided to pull the cord. Another reason I ended things was because on her birthday I went through her phone and saw some pictures, pictures of my exes . Turns out they all knew each other but didn’t know I dated them all. I felt like a used blunt that was passed around till it was done with.

At that moment, I resigned from dating girls from Makurdi and I went with it for the next few months and life was easy until my birthday the following year. This was on March 26th 2022. I invited almost all my friends to my house for an in house party, the first party I threw ever. Many people turned up and the party was a blast. Prior to this, I knew a girl, Benita for over two years and we had been chatting. The Sunday before the birthday I invited her to my church and she came. After service, I invited her to the party and she said she would come and she did. When she came, she was dressed in baggy jean trousers and a white t-shirt. A black slender beauty walked in and captured my heart. Not just mine but every guy at the party tried to collect her number but the way she politely brushed them off made me smile.

A week later I invited Benita over and we spoke for a while then I told her how I felt about her and told her I wanted to be in a relationship with her, well not these exact words but something close and she said to give her some time. Two weeks later she invited me over to her place and told me she would give it a try. She invited her friend over and introduced me to her as her boyfriend, I felt proud. We made out after her friend left. This isn’t necessary information but make I drop some juicy details small na. Her lips were soft, her kisses gentle and her skin smooth and soft. She had a slim waist and a perfect figure. We went on in love for about three months, made a lot of videos and took some pictures, I was going through my Snapchat memories and came across some of the videos and that’s what prompted me to write this out and tell you guys that I was in love.

The relationships that lasted more than a month was genuine love. I would give anything to go back to those times again but that means I’ll be caught in a dilemma because I don’t know which one to pick over the others and I can’t pick them all .

Well, Benita and I broke up and I won’t give the details for this one, maybe this is the one I hold dearest of them all. But the fact is I know deep down that I won’t go back to any of my previous relationships, I’m just saying I’ll give anything to go back so it would sound you know, romantic or something but, I can’t and I won’t. Relationships are stressful and boring. Or maybe it’s the phase I’m in at the moment, I see no joy in relationships, I just need someone that will be pumping my account with money and all for free .

Okay, so who was next after Benita? Oh yeah I’ve been single since then and this was since September of 2022, I’m trying to see if I can break my record of being single for more than two years . Well that’s not totally true because I met a girl in December of that same year, the girls hands in the picture on the cover, I’m sure you all must have been wondering who’s hand that was. Well her name is Stephanie. I met her a day after Christmas. We both commented on a post online that asked to describe your dream date. I saw hers was a stroll in the park and mine was a walk in the park and a date with books, typical nerd yes but she was cool with it and we chatted and fixed a date on the day after Christmas.

We met at a park and we had the best time together. I was entranced by her and the way she was so free. She was a hardworking woman and really put her priorities in order. We said our goodbyes after the date and we planned another one after new year, a day before I went to school. We met and after going to a series of parks which weren’t open, we went to my house and watched some movies. I still rushed things with her because I was tired of going into series of relationships and I wanted to settle with her, she was the best. She said no for many reasons, the first that she wasn’t ready, wanted to get her walk with God really solid and finally that we can’t work because of my tribe, her mum doesn’t like “Tiv” guys and that really hurt. We aren’t talking anymore but I hope she got her walk with God solid.

Well there have been a dozen others I didn’t mention, the week long dates and whatnot but those aren’t important, heck I can’t even remember their names . My love life is one big ball of messy and well it made quite a story. If there’s a way I could go back and change things, I would but there’s no Time Machine so we move on.

I hope the tale was great enough, until my next entanglement then guys