Chapter 1
Super Mario Brothers. - Comedy Story.
Another day in the Mario Brothers facilities. Plumbing service, as expected. But now, both Mario and Luigi get an anual pension from the authorities of the Mushroom Kingdom, for obvious reasons. There’s only one catch. At least Mario, has become the permanent personal saviour of princess Peach. So, whenever it might be needed, the most famous of the Mario Brothers can be summoned to save his ex-wife.
Oh yeah... Mario and Peach were married. They were happy, but differences started to reveal themselves. Mario is a plumber, Peach is a princess. He wanted to eat pasta everyday, with the same fork and knife. She wanted to visit all sorts of fancy museums. They still love each other, but Mario didn’t fit in the Mushroom Kingdom.
Anyway... the phone rings in the Mario Brothers and Company Plumbing Services. - Now they have a team of other plumbers who do the dirty jobs. But Mario and Luigi still like to be around, and need to administrate all the stuff.
- Get the phone! - shouts Mario.
- Always me... Luigi is always there... and all the calls are for Mario, anyway…
- What did you say, Luigi?
- Nothing, nothing, my dear brother!…Good morning, Mario Brothers and Company Plumbing Services! You are talking with associate Luigi. Can you be helped? Through the other side of the line, a great amount of talking was taking place. Luigi simple answered in monologues, here and there. “Yes.” , “Oh”, “Outrageous!“. And finally, the show was over. Luigi hung up the phone. And enjoyed, both Mario’s curiosity, and what was going to be said…
- So? - asked Mario. - Wow, Mario... You’re not going to believe it…
- What?
- I think you can guess…
- Oh no... please... not... again!
- I’m afraid so…
- They are out of pepperoni!
- No, stupid ass, Peach was kidnapped!
- GODDAMN’ IT! THAT’S EVEN WORSE!
- I know how much you still love her…
- Well, yeah sure, that too, but I have to save her AGAIN.
- Hey, man, don’t look at me. I always said you should have stayed with Pauline. Nice woman, ok, not as hot, nor as rich, nor as foxy as Peach, but at least you only had to beat three levels to save her…
-Well, what can I say, Luigi. A fat man cannot choose who he loves. Now, what about the details? Bowser again?
- Nope. Bowser is innocent. He opened a heavy metal club down in Brooklyn.
- Are you kidding with me?
- For real, man! I was there last week, pretty sweet! All the good stuff played. Metallica, Black Sabbath, Pantera, the castle theme from our first game as Super…
- Man... the world is becoming way too freaking weird... I miss the 80′s.
- Then you should step by Bowser’s Club! Most of the stuff he plays is from the 80′s! He even offered me a couple of shots!
- Oh yeah? I have to admit that’s pretty nice of him. What kind of shots? What are their names?
- Well... it’s strawberry juice mixed with vodka... Bowser’s recipe for disaster, as he said.
- Really? That’s actually a great idea. What’s the name of the shot, Luigi? So I can ask for it, when I stop by his club.
- Hm... I don’t really remember…
- Luigi…
- “Mario Game Over”…
- Of course... it had to be. Hell, it might has well HAD BEEN. At least my misery would be over...So... WHO kidnapped Peach, anyway?
- The Mushroom Kingdom Secret Services don’t have a clue.
- They have Secret Services now?
- Apparently!
- Then what do they need me for?
- Come on, Mario! The Brits also had James Bond. Although I admit he had more luck with women...Anyway, don’t argue. It’s in your contract. And in your heart…
- You’re right. I still love that stunning hot princess.
- I was actually talking about your heart, literally. Have you seen where you piss, lately? You’re a walking cannoli, Mario. You need the exercise. Go, go. Jump, and run, and collect coins, and all that good stuff. Then tell me how it went.
- What? You’re not coming with me, Luigi?
- No, or else the whole story would be a never ending dialogue. The author doesn’t want that.
- Makes sense.
- And I am thin, and you’re fat.
- Luigi, do we need to go to some kind of jealous brother therapy, or something like that?
- Of course not... I’m just saying... Oh, come on, give me a hug, and good luck, bro’.
- Yeah, whatever…
And so, Mario said goodbye to Luigi, and went to the basement. There, a hidden pipe allows direct entrance to the Mushroom Kingdom Castle. These warps... what a goddamn’ great idea, Shigeru Miyamoto!
- FUCK! Ouch! - in real life, Mario always gets thrown into the floor, when getting down from a pipe.
- They really should start leaving some pillows under these pipes... I’m not 20 years anymore... damn’ I forgot to bring pizza... Now I will have to eat these french-made-Gordon Ramsay-like fancy crap they cook around here…
- Greetings, Mario! Welcome to the castle of our beloved princess Peach, formerly known as Toadstool! - an android-like voice greeted Mario.
- Wow, greetings to you too, man... I mean, robot... what the hell are you?!
- I am an advanced piece of artificial, yet, highly advanced intelligence. I am here to serve you, as well as the Mushroom Kingdom.
- Pretty cool... Maybe you can help me in the search for Peach…
Another voice echoed in the hall of the Mushroom Kingdom’s Castle:
- Mario! You’re here! Thank the Mushroom Gods!
- Toad! My man!
And the old friends greeted. Awww, how sweet =´)
- I see you met our new android! - said Toad.
- We named him Game Boy!
- How convenient! Well, he seems as fun as the original one. If he has his own self-sufficient light, and some emulators included, he has my vote.
- No, really, he’s quite an useful guy. He organizes all the Castle’s tasks, and is quite intelligent. As you said, he can help you in your search for Peach.
- That’s great, Toad. I guess... So, what’s going on? What happened to Peach? Luigi told me Bowser is not involved, this time.
- Indeed, Mario. Well, Peach was gone, and we found a note that said: “Sorry, but YOUR Princess is in another castle! Ahah!”
- How funny…
- Yeah... it seems at least we’re not dealing with smart people.
- I guess Sonic is a suspect, then!
- Who knows? It’s a start.
- Just give me some pizza, and a pack of batteries for Iron Man here, and I’ll catch the pipe to wherever the hell Sonic lives, now.
- My name is not Iron Man. It’s Game Boy! - answered... well, Game Boy.
- Yes, yes, of course... everyone is so touchy, these days, goddamn’... I miss my plumbing years... that woman is going to drive me crazy. One day, someone will need to save ME from her dramas…
And so, Mario and Game Boy were very welcomed to the Warp Zone, in Mushroom Kingdom. Now, there is a new advanced type of Warp Zone pipe. It is possible to program it, by writing the name of the person - or hedgehog... - one is trying to find. And so, they typed “Sonic” in the pipe. Yes, it has a keyboard. And the pipe leads the person directly to whom they want to find. Regardless where.
- Ok, Toad. Thanks for this croissant with cheese. It’s not that bad, for a french thing.
- It’s the closest thing we got to pizza, Mario!
- Both are quite unealthy to you, Mario. - said Game Boy.
- Something is going to get me... and then Bowser will be filthy rich by selling his Mario Game Over shots...Well, let’s get out of here. Let’s make some questions to Sonic, the Hedgehog.
And so, Mario and Game Boy jumped in the pipe! Where could Sonic be...?
In a Gay Club, of course!
“Relax, don’t do it! When you wanna come!”
- What the hell is this?! - said Mario.
- I believe we are in a place where customers seek to enjoy themselves with people from the same gender. Specially men. Preferably, in a romantic way! - answered Game Boy.
- Perfect! At least there’s no Mario Game Over shots here…
- Mario! Is that you? You crazy man! You still wear that 80′s gay moustache, how adorable! - it was Sonic!
- Hey!... What’s up? Well... you seem to be quite amused, here, right?
- Definitely! I decided to end up all the rumours, and just get out of the closet! It’s not like SEGA is going to fire me, now, right? Where are they, now? Ahah. Oh, Tails, here you are! Tails and I, well, you know... ihihih!
- I see... well, congratulations!
- Oh, thank you! And where’s your Peach? And who’s your friend? Nice outfit!
- Hey, slow down, cowboy! This is a robot, an android. He’s helping me, precisely, to find Peach. She has disappeared again. And this time, it’s not Bowser.
- And you came to ask me some questions, right? Come on, Mario! You think I had something to do with it? A blond princess? Reaaally?
- I’m your blond princess... RRrrr... - answered Tails.
Yeah, I know. Creepy. Well, anyway, Mario and Game Boy had one dance, at the expressive sound of Village People, and then left. Through the front door. Not the pipe.
- It’s not Bowser, it’s not Sonic... And Donkey Kong is still in love with Pauline... I don’t know what could have happened to Peach…
And so, Mario and Game Boy searched, and searched. Once again, within our world, within the Mushroom Kingdom, within Bowser’s realm, as well as among his kids’ kingdoms. No Peach to be found anywhere. Even Wario helped Mario on the search. In exchange for some other kind of mushrooms... And finally, it all came down, and hit Mario hard. His beloved princess, lover, soulmate, was lost. For how long? Forever? What happened to her?
- Oh, no... my Peach... - Mario was getting himself drunk with some cheap tequilla and a six pack.
- WHY? WHY?! Oh, the pain... is unbearable!
- Should I go buy more peanuts, Mario? - asked Game Boy.
- Yes, please. I’m hurting too much, can’t afford to be hungry. OOHH, PEACH! Come back, and I will do anything to save our marriage. One more chance! I will even go to that Egyptian museum, inspite the trauma that stuff gives me, on behalf of the Pyramid levels in Super Mario 2, and Desert Word, in Super Mario 3... sniff... but she won’t be back... Speaking of coming back, hips...where’s that Game Kid, already? I need my peanuts…
Suddenly, someone dressed in a dark coat, approached Mario, very slowly. But Mario was so drunk he only realized when that someone addressed to him.
- Greetings, Mario. - it was the voice of an old woman.
- Hello, there. Where do you come from? The first Zelda? You sure look that old!
- I am a powerful witch. I can help you find your beloved one.
- Really?! I will do anything!
- Anything?
- Yes, yes, please, give me back my Peach!
- You will even submit yourself to a diet, and bathe yourself more often?
- Hum... YES, YES, OK! PEACH! GIVE IT TO ME! NOW!
- Ok... then…
And when the old lady undressed her coat, Mario finally realized who she really was! It was... Peach, yeah, obviously! But, hold your horses! She was wearing her regular princess clothes under the coat.
- PEACH! IT WAS YOU, ALL THIS TIME? - said Mario, embracing her lover.
- Yes, my silly fat boy.
- You weren’t kidnapped, then?!
- No. And I never said I was! I just left a note saying I was in another castle!
- Well, you got me there... I can’t even accuse you of lying.
- And I hope I will not be able to do that to you, either!
- I hear what you’re saying, Peach... I will make an effort. I will try to live up to my promises.
- And so will I.
- Let’s get married again, my Mushroom babe. And invite all our friends!
- And enemies too! They seem to be quite a lot more fun than our friends!
- I agree!
And so, Mario and Peach married again! Game Boy and Luigi were both Mario’s best robot and best man, and Sonic was Peach maid of honour. Thank you all, and hope you will use the warp zone to this story more often.
The END.
