HIRAETH

Sun caressed her skin, whispered in her ears,

“You were his before you knew”;

Even so, was he hers?

“Can I talk to you for a moment?” These words reverberated in her, even after a decade. Thinking back, she could feel the chills of the wind that hit her that day, as she looked up at him. Something about him got her eyes hooked and the conversation that followed did not fail to imprint on her soul. Every word he spoke was laced with cheer and ecstasy. As he approached the end of what he wanted to say, what took her by surprise was his courage to propose a girl right at their first conversation.

As mind wandered to that moment, she feels a sense of heaviness in her heart, which has become familiar now. The present reality of how people and situations could change over time disrupted her flow of thoughts. That is when she realized that an hour passed by since she has been sitting upright on her bed, wide awake and has gotten late to work.

As opposed to the passion for her work, she experiences a cloud of exhaustion and disinterest hanging over her head every morning. The mirrors that have been accustomed to her silly and childlike expressions are getting weary of her tears and swollen eyes. The clothes at the back of her wardrobe are waiting to step out and it was just another day when something is pulled within the reach of her hand. Following that is the familiar scene – she stands still in the shower hoping that the piping hot water dripping down her body would ease her pain a little.

For a year now, just until a few months ago, her mornings were filled with him. Opening the eyes calling him with a“Good morning”, following up for his gym routines and little conversations… and she thought to herself perhaps these made her mornings purposeful. Her eyes were burning of deprived sleep and also of the pricking visions of him.

It has been a few days since she has stopped drawing her eyes which has always been a major part of her “Getting ready” routine since she was a little girl. This was solely to escape the question “Were you crying?” from the people around her. She noticed her dry smile as she looked at the reflection in the mirror. She recognized that the person on the mirror is not the one she has been familiar with, for years. Then she does what she has mastered by practice – pin a smile to the face, hoping that today will bring something better. Believing in miracles every morning was the only way she could get through, until the night falls.

Stepping out for work, the warmth of the morning sun did not thrill her anymore. Most of the things around her had gone out of focus unlike the earlier times. She boards the auto and try not to think about anything. Even so, mechanically, she pulls out her phone and shares the ride with him, knowing that it did not matter anymore. All her journeys, shorter or longer, music was something that was always there with her. For the past few weeks, she preferred silence to the rhythm, as her heart’s murmurs were deafening. That day, she mustered the courage to plug in her earphones. Spotify sprung open to her touch and started playing her playlist. An indescribable discomfort spread through her body and mind as she was dwelling upon the songs that they had listened together. Back then, a few of them made her vibe, a few made her smile, a few were to blush but now they tormented her. With a tear taking shape in her eyes, she now skips all those songs that borne their memories, trying to make unfamiliar music as her companion for the time being.

The music that popped up for a minuscule second, opened a pandora box of nostalgia from college. There were fewmornings when her mom would heed to her goofy excuses toavoid the auto and take the bus to college instead. Amidst the loud hustles in the bus, she jumps up every time at hiswhispers in her ears, “Damn! Your hair smells heavenly!”. He wouldn’t have known that her breath was taking up a permanent space in her brain cells, without any clue of the trouble that this fragment would cause in farther future. The exchange of dialogues that followed were an amalgamation of innocence, curiosity and excitement. One thing she could never recollect was the exact moment that she fell madly in love with him, despite knowing that it would be close to impossible to convince her family on this. What they had waseverything that a young, teenage relationship would have. Silent glances, cheesy compliments, silly comments, brushing touches and indeed fiery passion.

How badly does she want to just leave everything at its place and crawl back to that period? Would she perhaps do things differently now? Oh! Sure! She would. As much as she wants to experience it all with better understanding, she could also hear a little voice in her head saying that it might have saved her the pain if she never fell for him. Shushing these sounds has not been easy but she realizes they are not as shrilling as the previous days and that may be, she was getting better. She understands that she is healing, though not in the way and the pace that she desires.

Twists and turns in life come at most unexpected times. They catch you either by surprise or by shock. She has always had it all sorted. The over planner in her had the next decade of her life sketched out in a story board. Engrossed in adding the right elements and colours to the storyboard, she hardly paid attention to those hiccups that laid in plain sight. She still could not figure out as in being a practical, independent woman she was, how she managed to make him the centre of her universe. Past could be trashed away as dead by most people, but it is true that at times, the answers to the questions of the present lie in the past. Everything that she felt towards him were not those potted succulent plants that add life to your work desk for a while but more of a tree in a jungle. It grew by itself over a long period of time, with its roots gaining a strong hold of every particle of the soil yet no one cared to notice.

Her minds consistently played those games with her, pulling her between the hard truths and hopeless dreams. Even when she had no strength to hold herself together, no time during the day was devoid of his thoughts. That particular day, it was the sketch of the ruffled mane of the lion that she had to checkon her auto ride, and her mind instantly slipped to the image of the lion tattoo that his ankle bears. There were a lot of things that she never cared to notice in most men but adored in him. The hairline behind the ears; the curling strands of hair on his clean fingers; the bitten nails – the habit which she always hated; the wrist bearing the watch; his toe tips, every time they step out of the shoes; she wondered if she would see him again. At the same moment, a scary thought crossed her mind – what if she does not feel the same way as she did earlier. The eyes that once were amorous may just seem indifferent, and by the time this doubt could reach her senses, her heart roared that she would always feel the same about him. Every moment that proved this in the past came flooding into her mind, proclaiming that this is not something that would change with time.