Winged

**TW: Suicidal thoughts/ideologies**

This is a book I've been writing since the seventh grade, and well... I'm now almost thirty. I have to convert my completed novel that was originally a Young Adult Fiction, into an Adult Fiction so bear with me. I will only continue to upload chapters if there's a demand (and I sure hope there is). I digress...

Autumn is running away from her past by moving in with her mother that lives in Oregon. Luckily for her, no one knows who she is, where she's been or what she's done. It's a fresh start which is exactly what she needs to survive. While awake, she can wipe the slate clean and build a new life... but at night? Everything comes back to haunt her.

While she thinks everyone is a stranger, there's one person who's known her all his life... maybe even longer than life and will stop at nothing to get what he needs.

You'd think that I'd be a little more enthusiastic about my first day of college; considering this is the first time that I will be around people that have no idea who I am and therefore I get a chance to be whoever I want to be. Yet, here I am, dragging my feet with every step that's taken towards walking through the doors. I'm dreading having to introduce myself, smile, nod... the thought of people even looking in my direction makes my skin crawl. I would prefer to retreat back into my shell.

I've thought about giving myself a breather (I would say some time to heal but that's seemingly impossible), but my mom shook some sense into me. Understandably, a breather would become normalcy and normalcy would become routine and routine would become... irreversible, comfortable and too easy. She was right. I don't say that often so don't get used to it, but I got her point. I need to get my education done and over with so I can move on to the next chapter of my life.

The infinite whirlwind of negative thoughts cloud my brain cells, ultimately suffocating me for hours, days, weeks... preventing me from making friends, or being even slightly affectionate towards those I care for. Social encounters are inevitable when it comes to school, but I feel so unprepared. You wouldn't believe how many therapy sessions I've sat through. I came to the conclusion long ago that no amount of money or time talking is going to cure me; which is fine. I've made peace with it.

I've made peace with a lot of things over the years. I was forced into growing up too soon and my sense of maturity gives me the push to go on, regardless of how torturous it might be. If I were a completely selfish person, I would've taken my life by now but unfortunately I care too much for the aftermath. Who and what I'd leave behind. Not to mention that there is this very slim sliver of hope that I could actually breathe again, and not just to survive like I've been doing. No, like actually live.

To go outside and feel the sun shine on my skin, feel the warmth and soak it in. Gaze up at the stars in awe and wonder, reaching for something so out of touch. Make eye contact with people and hold it, instead of averting my attention. Long for human contact, conversation... I'm giggling at the thought of even being slightly interested in someone else.

The sun is a bother to me. Why does it have to be so bright? It burns holes in my skull. I'm a blip compared to the enormous, sparkling stars. Nothing I do in this lifetime will matter. I can never love someone else. The word "impossible" doesn't begin to cover it.

As I'm literally drowning in my chaotic thoughts, I hear, well more feel, a banging on the bathroom door.

"Autumn! Did you fall asleep in the bath again?" I hear Alec yell behind the door.

I groan in annoyance, "no. I'm fine. Thanks for your concern."

"Just checking." He replies before he, thankfully, walks away.

Not only am I annoyed that he had to disrupt my inner dialogue, but now I'm wondering what he's doing up at this hour. It's not just my first day of college tomorrow, but his as well. He should probably get some rest.

Whenever I'm in the bathtub, I leave my bedroom door open so someone can come wake me if I happen to fall asleep. It's a common occurrence. I don't intend to doze off, it happens on its own. My body loosens all of its muscles; total relaxation. It's the only place I don't feel tense. Pure magic, so whenever I'm stressed (which is most of the time), I hop in the bath to calm the nerves.

As I stood, the water sloshed from side to side, spilling over the sides. I let the water run down my hair, onto my stomach and back before bending over for the towel on the rack. I scrunched my hair in the towel before putting it on the floor to step on and dry the rest of my body with. I slipped the robe on that was hanging on the rack and headed into my room.

I sat on the edge of my bed, throwing my head back and audibly groaning once more to no one... the air, the night, the darkness. I wasn't sure to whom. Cocking my head to the side, I peeked at his picture on my nightstand and whispered, "I miss you."

Picking up the frame, I traced it with my fingertips and suppressed years worth of sorrow. I was so utterly tired of crying. I held the frame close to my chest. "Please come visit me in my dreams."

After a few aching moments, I plopped the frame back on the nightstand and shut off my lights. Under the covers, and my head on the pillow, I closed my eyes and started to count sheep; praying that I would soon drift away.