Skeletons

Kate

I am a strong independent woman. I can do this myself. I don’t need no man to come and save me. This is how I shall learn to survive out in the wild. How else would I be able to become the strong viking warrior goddess I secretly am.

Yeah. I’m a viking warrior goddess.

“I don’t need no man!” I yell into my small apartment filled with boxes.

‘Woof’ I look over to my dog Rufio. “Okay, fine. No human man.”

“Now where did I put the instructions to this contraption that will most likely be the death of me?” I search through the styrofoam and bubble wrap. I toss the cardboard box onto my unmatched couch. “It has to be under this entire mess. I was reading it right before you decided it was time for belly rubs mister.” I stare at my dog as he tilts his head to the side; I know he understands me. He just chooses to ignore me and act like he doesn’t get it.

I walk through the mess on my rug and reach over to my phone to maybe see if I could find a YouTube video on how to put this stupid shelf together. As I start to search for some help, I get interrupted by music. I think it’s the Beatles…. Yep. That is definitely Paul McCartney.

I keep searching on my phone. I bought this thing at a thrift store. Damn it! I need to figure out what brand this is. I start searching for a label on the white shelves labeled A B C and D. Where is that stupid…

COME TOGETHER! RIGHT NOW! OVER ME!

“Did he just turn up his music?” I look at my dog that has now made a home on the giant cardboard box. He raises his eyes at me and ignores me. I walk up to the door that leads to the hallway and stare at it. “Oh yeah, he turned the music louder. Does he not realize there are other people in this apartment?” My dog just looks at me bored out of his mind. “It’s 12:30 in the afternoon. People are up, doesn’t mean you have to blast your music. Some people.”

I march over to my speaker and connect my phone to the Bluetooth. “This will show him,”

SNAP SNAP SNAP

She keeps her Moët et Chandon

“Ha! I’ll show you what British band runs this apartment level!” I yell at the front door. I turn to look at Rufio and he’s now perked up staring at me. “He thinks he can play the Beatles. I’ll raise him the Queen! The Queen of this apartment complex! BOW DOWN PEASANTS OF OAKLAND APARTMENTS!” Rufio jumps off the couch and trots into the bedroom.

SHE’S A KILLER QUEEN!

GUNPOWDER, GELATINE

“DYNAMITE WITH A LASER BEAM! THAT’S RIGHT! I GOT LASERS BITCH!”

*BANG* *BANG* *BANG* *BANG*

Shit. I don’t remember that bass drum being part of the song. Shit. I think that’s my door. Shit! I turn off the music. If I stand very still and don’t move he will go away.

*BANG* *BANG* *BANG* *BANG*

Shit! I turned off the music. Shoo! I don’t do social interactions with strangers… Especially ones that might pummel me into the ground for threatening to shoot them with lasers. I walk lightly over to my door to look through the peephole.

Well, he seems too scrawny to beat me into the ground. Nice hair. Won’t lie, kind of attracted right now. I wonder what his face looks like? He doesn’t seem to have much of a butt. That’s okay, neither do I. We all can’t be perfect. Come on turn around. Let me see your hot or semi-ugly face. He’s not turning around. Fine! Be that way. I won’t open the door. I step away from the door.

*BANG* *BANG* *BANG* *BANG*

“I know you’re in there! You turned the music off only ten seconds ago!”

HOLY SHIT! HE’S BRITISH?!?!?!?!? Oh man, British people are the worst when they’re mad. They don’t yell as much as they insult you with phrases and words you don’t get. He’s British… He probably is really cute. He sounds cute.

I unlock my door and open it ready for the verbal assault. HOLY SHIT! I WAS NOT WRONG!! THIS MAN IS FINE!!!!!! Dirty blonde curls, blue eyes, and God look at that JAWLINE!!! He is one rugged English man. Sweet Scones and Scrumpets! Wait, are Scrumpets real? Or is that some weird British saying? Wow, he has some nice eyes. Awe, look at him scrunch his eyebrows like a frustrated little English man. Oh crap. He’s frustrated with me. He’s scrunching his eyebrows at me. Wait has he been talking this entire time? “I’m sorry. Could you repeat that?”

“Were you seriously not listening to a word I said?” He looks at me confused and irritated.

“Sorry, I got distracted by your Britishness…. Wait, is it Englsihness? Or do you prefer Poshness?” I asked him utterly confused about my wording.

“You…. What?” He asked me as I kept trying to figure out what to say without sounding too American.

“I wasn’t paying attention because you’re British. Don’t be offended or anything. You’re the first British person I’ve met in real life. I guess congrats!” He kept looking at me. He was giving me the same look my mother gives me right before she asks me ‘Whose child are you’. “Sorry, my mom says my social filter doesn’t generate my thoughts very fast and lets things slip before I have enough time to process the situation. I’m guessing you came over here to discuss the war between our Britsh bands?”

“Yes.” He paused as he looked me up and down. I allowed it without calling him out on it. I did it to him, might as well allow him to do it to me. “Do you mind not blasting your music in the middle of the day? Some people are trying to enjoy their lunch. It’s very rude to blast that racket as others are trying to eat peacefully.” He starts to turn around and walk back to his apartment.

“Now hold up. Two things English scrumpet. One; Don’t you DARE call Queen ‘racket’ they are one of the best things that have EVER come from your homeland. Besides my future husband Henry Cavill. Two; You started off this war with your Insect guitar hippie group.” I actually really like the Beatles, but he does not need to know that I listen to them each morning before my meditation.

“Insect guitar hippie group? Your mother really was not lying when she said your filter can not keep up with that loud mouth of yours.” He mumbles as he gives me that look again.

“Hey. My mother said my insults are the best ones she has ever heard. And I pride on my no filter life.”

“Good for you love. Now if you keep your noise to a minimum, I’ll keep my ‘hippie music’ at the same level.” He turns around again and walks toward the door across from my apartment that’s slightly cracked.

“Hold on,” He turns back around and raises an eyebrow at me. “Do you happen to know how to put together a shelf? I lost the instructions and you are right here. Might as well ask.” He stands still and laughs a little. “I mean, we already had our first neighbor fight… Might as well end it with being neighborly in a good way?” I hope he understands what I’m trying to say. I really am terrible at trying to get my point across.

“What type of shelf is it love?”

“Oh well, it’s a bookshelf. I’ll show you; just ignore the mess. I just finished moving in the boxes two days ago.” I back into my apartment and step over all the plastic that is scattered across my floor.

He follows me into my apartment and seems to be scoping out the place. Probably judging the mess, even though I specifically told him to ignore it.

“As I am letting you into my home, I am hoping you are not a serial killer or a burglar. If you are a burglar just know I have about $150 to my name and not much more in this apartment.” He huffs out a laugh again and shakes his head at me.

“I am not either of those. I promise. I’m only an English scrumpet that listens to hippie insects that can play the guitar.” He says as he bends down to look at my white shelves that are lying against the coffee table my grandparents gave me.

I laugh a little at the jab I gave him earlier. “If it makes you feel any better, I actually do like those hippie insects. Their music starts my day actually. I just needed to ridicule you in some sort of way.” I started to fiddle with the bubble wrap I found. “My therapist calls it a defense mechanism. I like to call it my specialty.”

He starts messing with the shelving and keeps humming to himself. I don’t like silence. It’s weird and uncomfortable.

“So, since your my neighbor and all… I can’t keep calling you English scrumpet. Unless you like that nickname. Then, by all means, let me know.” I awkwardly laugh and lean over the small bar in my kitchenette.

“No it is quite an interesting nickname. I have never heard that one before. My name is actually Alex James. Though, here in the area I have adapted to being called AJ. It seems to be the American way.” He laughs at me, pretty much forgetting the bookcase altogether. “And what about you killer queen? Do you have a real name I can call you by?”

“Well, if you want to keep calling me killer queen; that’s pretty badass if I say so myself. My name is actually Katalina. Katalina Eloise; it’s a name passed through all the firstborn women in my family. I go by Kate though, not much as a mouth full.” I say as I continue to pop a few bubbles in my bubble wrap. I hear a jingle coming down from the hallway. Rufio stops and sees AJ sitting on my rug. Rufio stares at him for a bit and slowly walks over sniffing what he believes is a strange being. Granted, he’s only seen a few men outside of my family in his home.

“That's Rufio. He’s nice. He just takes a bit to get used to other people.” AJ lets Rufio sniff his hand and then rolls over with his belly up towards AJ. “And clearly he already adores you.”

AJ laughs and starts rubbing Rufio’s belly as my supposed K9 protector lets his tongue hang out and seems to show me there is no threat near. “Rufio? Did you name him after the drug?”

“NO! Have you ever seen the Robin Williams movie Pan? He’s named after one of the lost boys that takes over since Pan left.” Who would ever name their dog after a date rape drug? Seriously, what type of education do they have in England?

“Oh, I’ve never seen that movie before. Didn’t mean to upset you love.” He looks down at my dog and says “I’m sorry boy I didn’t realize a character would be named after a drug used to sleep with women.” He says as he slowly lifts his eyes to smirk at me.

“He’s not named after a date rape drug! It’s a character! From a really good movie. Rufio has a great character arc and he gives up his…. You know what I won’t spoil the ending to you since I am going to make you watch it.” I say as I walk over to my laptop on my counter.

AJ gets up and follows me over to my laptop. I open it up and log into it. He closes it and starts to laugh again. “I am not watching some children’s movie just because you want me to stop teasing you about your dog’s name. It won’t happen love.” He says as he laughs at my shocked face.

“Well, too bad for you. You are watching it or else you will be hearing from me and my constant insults for the rest of your life. Even when you decide to move to a different town because you can’t take it anymore. I will still torment you with my sizzling burns and comedic comebacks that rival any bully you have ever had.” I cross my arms over my chest challenging him.

He rolls his eyes and sits in the chair next to me “Fine. Put the movie on you, incessant child.” I clap to myself and pull up the movie and start playing it.