Morbid

Weirdo

Why do you insist on knocking me down?

And why do you have to push me around?

Why is it so much fun to pick on me?

Please let me know ‘cause I sure as hell don’t see.

Being alive sounds like a crime.

Everyday I feel as if I’m standing in the death row

line.

I know some of you know how I feel.

Because of the fact that my feelings aren’t alone,

I know this is real.

~Jan 2 1996

Reflection

A young girl kneels in the corner of the darkroom,

She kneels there praying for help to rescue her soon.

Tears of blood glide down her tender face,

She wants help to leave this hellish place.

Her sobs of pain hurts me so,

I wonder how people can be so low.

~Feb 2 1996

Making

You make me do what I don’t wanna do.

I wish I could make you do things too.

You always flip me shit.

Then you call me a bitch.

I can’t stand your pain.

Why don’t you feel the same?

I hate you; I wish you’d die.

You hate me, and love to see me cry.

~Feb 27 1996

Anti Valentines Day

Today, what a dreaded day!

I hate this day in a Great way.

Everybody walks ‘round with love written on their

face.

I think they are all mental cases.

I’m tired of all the balloons, flowers, cards and

candy.

People are hugging & kissing everyone - well,

everyone but me.

I can’t stand the happiness that’s around.

If there was a queen of hate for this day I’d be

crowned.

I want this day to burn in hell.

Gee I’m happy… Can’t you tell?!?!

~Feb 14 1996

Black

it’s a time of hurt and pain.

it’s a time of darkness and unhappiness, which is the

only thing I have left to gain.

Time has come for them to cry.

Time has come for all of them to die.

I could care less about the blood they shed.

They could care less if death is what I screamed and

suicide is what I said.

Life is stupid, we all hate it and it sucks.

I hate when people look at me and right off say I’ll

run amuck.

~March 4 1996

Cheerleaders

Sitting in my class.

it’s boring and rather crass.

Living under rules.

Wondering if you got a clue on how much I hate you.

Oh how much you make me sick.

You aren’t anything but a bitch.

We all want you to die and go away.

You make us sick when you smile and play.

~March 6 1996

Mary Jane

I bring the smooth circular end to my lips,

I flick the light till it stays.

I know I’m gonna have fun if it’s a good trip.

I light the herb in the hole at the top,

MMM, this is gonna be good.

I’ll do it over and over till I forget to stop.

Soon I fall over back with laughter onto a bed that

isn’t there.

This is what I feel is a fun time.

And now everybody knows I’m not a square.

I was told this would get me more friends.

Do I like this? I don’t know.

All I know is that this is a common trend.

My eyes show a surprise, and my lips crave more!

I’ll put more herb in the hole at the top.

Now everyone knows my life isn’t a complete bore.

~March 7 1996

Makeup

Black covers my lips as well as my eyes.

If you look in my soul you’ll see the hurt and lies.

I listen carefully to what people say.

Then I’m overcome with utter sickness & pain.

Indeed I’m full of depression and hate.

Satan will take me and he’ll be sure not to be late.

Love is for everyone but me.

When you look deep in my eyes you’ll see.

~March 15 1996

Depression

Depression is a pit of doom.

It looks like a wilted rose.

It tastes like sour milk.

It smells like old gym socks.

It feels like a hammer against your thumb.

It sounds like a bullet ripping through your flesh.

Depression is a bear trap around your foot.

~May 15 1996

My Feelings

Darkness floods the room like an ocean.

He brings the cup to his lips,

In it is the clear suicide potion.

She feels the pain he’s having inside of her,

She drops to her knees in the dirt.

She knows it will soon be her turn.

I get the vision of her suffering in my head.

I’m in pain and agony when I see this.

Now deep, warm, red, blood fills my bed.

The scars on my wrists are deep and secure.

I’m locked up here by myself.

I’m gonna make sure I stay pure.

She’s naked and trembles in fear.

They want her to look at herself,

But with bare hands she breaks the mirror.

Tears of pain he lets go,

He can’t stand this depression.

The clear liquid glides down his throat,

Darkness floods the room like an ocean.

~May 9 1996

Satanism

Sitting and chanting,

Hating and bashing,

Triple six and pointed star pentagram.

Do you know who these people are?

Satanists. This is their religion.

This is the way they are and how they are livin.

~May 9 1996

May Fifteenth

The sparrow of hate flies above.

All I ask for is a simple drop of love.

I beat, and cut, and burn myself,

I hate myself and I want to die.

I hate that there is no truth, just lies,

~May 15 1996

Thought Wrong

I THOUGHT you loved me,

And I THOUGHT you cared!

I suppose my thoughts,

Are wrong and my life is impaired.

I’m supposed to put my life on hold for you to be

happy.

I’m tired of being taken advantage of and feeling

crappy.

it’s truly sick to realize that BOTH hate you!

it’s truly sad and unbelievable you start to hate them

too.

Its understandable that you cry and that you wanna

die.

~Date Unknown

Seattle

A place of crowds, of people,

Though all are different all are equal.

So much uniqueness,

All are powerful yet powerless.

The air is burnt.

When you see it, you still haven’t learned.

Just the thought is an experience.

Seattle is great, I must insist.

~May 14 1996

Used

I thought I found what could keep me content,

I thought I found someone who said what they meant.

I didn’t realize that the moon could ever fall.

Now that hens hurt me I’m taken a steamroller,

I’m gonna maul him right over.

I feel I can never, ever love somebody again,

Because I end up getting hurt every time I begin.

~Nov 27 1995

**Name Hidden**

Death, death, death to them all

That’s what she said, for she never had a reason to

stand up proud and tall

She sees them walking down the lane holding hands

and kissing

She begins to cry, for she wonders what she’s

missing

She hears then say I love you, and gives their child a

hug

She wishes she could go home to open arms and that

kinda love

For all she has is a corner to sit and cry in

And when you come near, she’ll ask you if you’ve

ever been…

Here

And when you say no she’ll begin to cry some more

For your life is perfect

And hers is pain and horror

~June 10 1996

Reflection of me

She raises her hands towards the sky,

They look on with fear, and wonder why.

Nobody understands her way of life,

All just wish she would die,

A single tear is shed from her eye,

And she decides its worthless to cry,

Nobody is going to listen,

Nobody is going to care,

She yells choice sayings,

When all they do is stare,

Why don’t they wanna understand?

Why don’t they wanna know?

She was once told,

That’s just the way it has to go.

This makes her crazy and makes her sad,

She goes home at the end of the day to cry,

And when she begins to wonder, she decides to die,

She chooses her weapon with care,

And then she lets loose,

And now she’s gone and nobody cares,

And all because they didn’t want to accept something

different,

And I am she.

~Date Unknown

Bus Trip

I sit being burned by the sunlight.

I sit with the wind in my hair not thinking my future

is too bright.

I wonder how come I don’t fit in.

When I speak I feel I’m sayin a sin.

I’m called stupid and I start to believe.

Is this how my life is to be?

~Date Unknown

Lonely Man

He sits in the breezy night,

He shows no fear, but yet is frightened.

Hell ward off whom ever come near,

Yet when you look close enough you see his invisible

tear.

When I pass by I wanna give him all I have,

And it makes me sad to know I can’t.

“Love,” he told me, “Is not for me, for I am a slave

without any liberty.”

Now I sit where he sits,

And together well scare off fright for a bit,

When he stays away Ill miss him,

And Ill have to die, for hell have left me alone.

~June 27 1996

After Lunch

I sit in the back of the class and cry

Nobody understands the reason why

The whole time before class I spent alone while

everybody else laughed and cleared

I was looked through and unnoticed

I wish I could put them here so they know this

My tear stained face collects more tears

I am crying because of pain, agony and fears

I don’t understand why I have to be the one that hurts

Everybody is smiling and laughing while I give

myself bruises, bumps and cuts

So I sit in the back of the class and cry

And nobody understands the reason why

~September 11 1996

A Night at Denny’s

As she sits with her knees tucked under her chin

Sheds cried for hours, trying to decide how to win

When she asks for help, she sees sheds all alone

Her ears perk; she realizes her silent cry has turned

into a moan

She tries to slash her wrists in hopes of dying

But there’s no utensil, so sheds stopped from trying

She yawns, for she is rather tired

Its been years since there has been sleep for her

She lays down for to go to sleep

But they don’t know this rest is deep

For she has no plans for awaking

And its because of all the unfair shit sheds been

taking

~June 28 1996

Untitled

Have you ever felt nobody cared?

Does living one more day scare you?

Do you wonder why you’re alone?

Do you wonder why they don’t speak to you in an

unfriendly tone?

Do you know the feeling that rushes through you

when you try to take your own life?

Do you understand the feeling of peace being only

the moon in the night?

~September 11 1996

Truth

The littlest thing hurts me

I wish I were blinded, I don’t wanna see

I am full of agony and pain

They throw me in a hospital, thinking I’m insane

My tears they do flow

But nobody seems to know

My heart aches

My mind breaks

My insides bleed

I’m hurting indeed

~September 13 1996

Losing My Grip

Things in my life are distant and dark

I feel like I’m being beaten, and things are falling

apart

I close my eyes and see fiery serpents

I have to wonder if this is worth it

I wanna take a gun to my head

Or bottles of pills while lying on my bed

A rope around my neck isn’t the best

But better, is a cold knife to my wrist

I can’t explain why I’m so sad

Are my feelings wrong?

NO!

Are they bad?

I’ve gotten to the point where I don’t know what to

think

Every time I get my hope up my heart begins to sink

Pain.

Anger.

Agony.

~November 18 1996

Cave

Within these walls there lies a life

Within this place is a heart stabbed with a knife

Never knowing what a love you can bring

Just understanding the shit I’m seeing

Outside these walls a bastard peers

I’m feeling used

These are the reasons for my tears

~February 11 1997

Dying

I look out the window and see the lonely people

Pain bubbles in my stomach cause I know how they

feel

So many things I have yet to try

And still I sit around and want to die

I am breathed on with ice-cold breath

I already know that it is death

He claims we are eternal lovers

And I look out the window and wonder about others

~January 24 1997

Lost

Lost within a wondrous maze

Lost in everyone’s evil gaze

Lost in a place you don’t know

Lost within no place to go

Lost without a friend by your side

Lost with no place to run and hide

~January 26 1997

Real

Everything I know is gone

I wonder if I have to feel this for long

Why does death grab my heart?

Hell rip us all apart

Do you sit there staring?

Do you feel me glaring?

I don’t understand why I hate so much

I feel my whole life is being crunched

~January 27 1997

Crying

Pain, suffering, angst

I lost more than you think

Trapped and embraced

Against what I need pushed toward what I hate

Murder, death, my own blood

Is suicide my only love?

~January 27 1997

Depravity

I want it I need it.

My insides are tearing and burning

My body is trembling and yearning

Darkness starts to cover my whole being

Shadows show me I should begin to doubt

The candles of hope are burning out

Certain parts begin to shrivel

And I fear and quiver

All I need is that one thing

That one sense of being

One time of closeness

And I am deprived

Now, now I shall die

~January 20 1997

Sadness

Why are you like me?

Why do you open my eyes to see?

You make me show my feelings

I feel like I’m ripped at the seams

Innocent victim of depression as my death gleams

You laugh at my face

You knock me out of place

I’m stabbed in a sensitive nerve

When I apologized I wasn’t heard

~January 20 1997

Torture

My head is bashed a million times

I would love to spread my majestic wings and fly

My throat has ice-cold hands twisted around

I’m so out of breath that I don’t make a sound

I drowned in my misery

My death sneaks up and I am dizzy

Pain, break me away

I am your prisoner no more

~January 20 1997

Locker of Pain

The pain, Oh the pain is too much

I tremble and quiver with the sense of your touch

Fires, Fires of hell slap burns on my face

All you wanna do is whip me and shove me out of

place

Nails are hammered into my heart

You put a gun to my head and want to blow me apart

I begin to feel weak and lazy

You have made everything become so hazy

The cold disfigured hands keep me pinned to the wall

They abuse me and make me fall

I’m tired of all this pain and anger

I am not taking this any longer

~January 13 1997

Untitled #2

I feel the pain of death inside me

I try to explain but you don’t wanna see

My tears are made of blood

I cry so much I drown in my own flood

~September 12 1996

Wash

There he is dancing in the rain

What is he doing?

Washing away his pain

He feels that those who hate him will soon regret

What have they done but beat him and forget

There he is stripping in the rain

What is he doing?

Trying to make the torture go away

Hems a twisted soul and hens all alone

Things he sees are grim and un-bold

There he is in the rain, naked, on his knees

What is he doing?

Trying for forgiveness please

Hems hungry and he tired

Hems so high he can’t get higher

There he is laying naked in the storm

What’s he doing?

Hems living here no more.

~March 20 1997

Prejudice

I hate you; you’re different from me

You carry something contagious so let me be

Why aren’t you like us, whom are normal?

You’re not human you’re an animal

Execution is even too good for you

I could care less if you hate me too

You must be from outer space

Some kind of alien who don’t belong in this place

~March 26 1997

Bottles

Make me feel like a bastard for wanting

You don’t understand that just because

I’m different doesn’t mean I’m nothing

You tell me to speak; yet when I do I’m stupid and

selfish

I’m really not in the mood I don’t want this

You tell me to be perfect

But perfect I’m not

And I do believe my unhappiness and death is what

you sought

~April 19 1997

Sad Music

Can you see me, or am I invisible

You are good at making me feel stupid and dismal

Can you hear the words in my hints and clues?

Or are you too busy being drunken like booze

You’re near me but do you even understand

It seems like what you say is read and planned

Am I dumb and insane for believing?

Is what’s out there really what I’m seeing?

Or are you something opposite and hidden

And is how I feel real, or stupid and forbidden?

You touch me, but is it me that’s in your head

Or are you pretending and bringing a figment in your

head

~April 19 1997

Rainy Day

Rain, rain, come pour against my face

Try your best to scrub the tears away

Are you my only true friend?

No, cause you’re gone in the end

Dance with me while you’re here

Try to ease my pain and fear

Show me a lovers embrace

The secrets in my heart you will unlace

Don’t ever abandon me

Though you will and this I see

My only faithful lover

I feel safe entrapped in your cover

~April 19 1997

Ignored

I’m standing in a shadow

But little do you know its yours

I cry my silent bellow

But little do you know its because of you

I slap myself for looking the way I do

But little do you know its because of your beauty

You speak, so I try too

But then I get beaten down and ignored

Little do you know its because of your voice?

I invite them places, and offer to pay their way

But they stand me up

Little do you know it has to do with you?

I’m standing in a shadow

But little do you know its yours

~June 4 1997

Depressed

I feel heavily drugged, hardly able to hold up my

head

My arm deadly dangles over the edge of my bed

A single tear makes his salty path down my face

My breathing is abnormal and I don’t feel safe

Tiny cries escape my slightly gaping mouth

How I am feeling I try hard to doubt

My eyes are glossed over and I stare at what is not

there

Now my body twists and folds my knees in my chest

I try so hard I do my best

I need to stop

This feeling is too strong

This has lasted too long

Kill me to kill it

~June 4 1997

Junkie Pal

You’re being torn apart from the inside out

You don’t even understand what its about

I try to reach out my hand to save you

All you can say is “Fuck you”

I care for you so much I stay away

Doesn’t matter ‘cause you don’t listen to what I say

So now its fuck off you maggot

But you don’t care you need your sack

~June 5 1997

Angst

I’m tired of being fucked over

I’m tired of being considered worthless

The rage inside is my only lover

The pain is what makes me took courage’s

I’m tired of being trampled on

There is no place for me to belong

I guess scarring my pale flesh is all I can do

Life’s a bitch and then you die

My black mascara has left permanent stains

Ill take what I can do to get me high

I better stop before death starts

~March 17 1997

Tone Deaf

You took me in, chewed me up and spit me out

Now your real feelings & thoughts I don’t doubt

I gave you what I could, but its not me you were

really with

Everything I thought to be true was proven a myth

Now I feel stupid for even trying again

Now I see what I’ve done was a sin

I should have realized that it wasn’t me you would

have died to be with

I’ve been slapped in the face and killed again

~June 11 1997

Bored

My heart is filled with pain

My mind is jumbled and I am insane

What I want is not for me

I try to make them understand, but they wont see

I want to rise in a sea of peace

But I drown in the ocean of sorrow

~June 12 1997

Losing Faith

I used to pray to being I thought existed

But then I realized I was lying to myself

Loving something not real seemed too sadistic

So I turned my back upon it

My feeling was that I wouldn’t have so much pain if

he were really there

When I realized my stupidity I felt insane

I was left to wallow in my sorrow

Now I feel alone

Without any faith Ill have to die tomorrow

No reason for me not to

I’m all alone in a world of lies!

~June 8 1997

Friendless

I’m sitting alone in the darkness

I’m sitting alone in my private hell

I am hurting

But no one can tell

I am bleeding from the heart

I am being torn apart

I am my only friend

I am my only friend

I am my only friend

I am my only friend

I am my only friend

I am my only friend

I am my only friend, in this world.

~June 18 1997