Beyond the walls

I sometimes think of leaving this place. I’d like to know what it feels like breathing your air.

I look at the window but my fears prevent me from escaping. I don’t know how many beautiful creatures live outside. I only recognise the ones I’ve read or watched on television.

My mom says that inside is better than outside. I imagined jumping the fence and finally seeing the outdoors.

I turn on the TV; people are having fun, feeling the warm sun on their faces, or just walking under the rain. They are mesmerized by the beauty of nature and the fact that they are free.

I wake up and my routine starts again. Lots of pills and tests take place. I wish I were able to skip them. Doctors have diagnosed my illness. I suffer from leukaemia.

I was five when my mother took me to the hospital because I had several nosebleeds. It has been the fourth time in the morning. A sample blood test was enough to diagnose my cancer. My mother’s fears came true. She has suspected it since my grandpa died because of the same disease. He was ten when he got to know about his illness. He passed away at twenty five. I think it’s my time to go along the same path.

Currently, I am nineteen and tomorrow will be my birthday. I am aware of the fact that the next day might be my last one. I am not sad but angry because I’ve spent my whole life in this white place. I ask my mom to take me for a walk but she always drives me to the same places.

Room 45 and room 46. Doctors allowed me to visit those places and a few corridors. In room 45, other patients with a similar state of health are taken. There are toys, puzzles and stuff to help us have spare time. I don’t like staying there. Six months ago I met a girl, her name was Laura. Her condition was lung cancer. Like me, she wasn’t allowed to leave the hospital. We used to chat about countries we’d like to visit. I fell in love but I haven’t told her. One day she stopped coming. When I asked the nurses, the cancer had spread all over her lungs and she died. I went back to my room and I didn’t tell my mom about her because she’d cry. In the 46 babies are born. I like to see them through the glass. If only I could be a baby again and my tumour disappeared.

At noon I have lunch with my mom. Uncle Sean and Grandma Abbey visit us. They get emotional and cuddle me so strongly that I don’t mind. I know why they are here. I pretend to be surprised while I open their presents. We all have fun and chat about our lives. They say that one day I could visit their houses and meet my cousins. I only know them by photos.

One hour later, a new person arrives, it’s Laura’s mother. She comes because Laura told her about the time we spent in room 45. I was her best friend but she couldn’t tell me. I express gratitude to her by thanking. She hugs me and weeps. Before she goes, she gives me a letter Laura wrote. My mom says she knew about Laura and I, and she arranged the meeting. I cry and thank her. My mother is tired and takes a nap.

In the afternoon, I don’t want to be in bed. I tell my mom I’ll go to the same window I always stay in. I see a park; there are families, and there is a beach. I’d like to walk on the sand and feel the salty water on my hands. Time’s short, I know I’m forbidden to be outside but what if tomorrow I’m not here?

I get back to my room and my mom is still sleeping. I wear scrubs, gloves and my face mask in order to protect me. Nurses are busy and doctors are engaged in their routines. Once I heard of the roof. Up there, there is a small garden and a bench where you can see the lights of the stars. I carry the letter and I’ve decided to read it there.

After walking some meters I feel exhausted. I have to continue. It’s seven o’clock and it’s getting dark. Corridors I have never seen are illuminated and I finally get to the elevator. It’s hard to breathe. I get on, press the button. I become nervous because I’m breaking the rules but I feel anxious. The door opens; I see different flowers and the lights. It’s amazing! I reach the bench and I sit. I barely breathe through the face mask. I feel dizzy, I don’t worry. I need to read the letter.

“Dear Luke,

I want to thank you for being so charming and gentle. We both were the youngest among adults in room 45. Our condition was the connection. I remember the first time we met. You were drawing a dog and I suggested you to colour it blue. You got angry because you knew dogs were brown. After that, we spent the afternoons together talking about childish things. I imagined our souls traveling the world. I wanted to kiss you but it was impossible. I don’t want to go. If I have to, you need to know I loved you!”

I finish the letter and tears well up. I see the stars, the air touches my face. It feels as if Laura was here. My mother finds me, she is screaming and crying, and nurses look so furious. I approach them and I faint. My mom picks me up and the nurses help her. I woke up in my room. My mum is next to me and sobs when I say I’m sorry. She says it is okay, she understands why I did it. The doctor congratulates me because I almost died. He looks worried and asks to have a word with my mum. I’m happy; I finally got outside and experienced what most people have every day. My mother comes back, her face is sadder than ever. She says that my results are not good. I glance at my watch, it’s 12 AM. I tell her not to despair. I’m twenty, mommy! She embraces me tightly. Maybe, I’m special and I can live more than my 20s!

It’s been an amazing day. I’m tired and I want to sleep. I don’t know what’s going to happen tomorrow. I’m so excited that I don’t care. I dream of traveling the world with Laura. We are having a coffee in Paris, and then we visit the London Eye. These places are more stunning than reading or seeing them on TV. My mom is finally having time to follow her dreams. What comes next it’s incredible!