Always in the Shadows
My mother was my best friend and my greatest supporter for my entire life. She spoke for me when I could not find my voice, she shielded me when it felt like the world was falling apart around me. She was my strength, but she was also my weakness. I loved her more than life itself, when she passed away, I felt as though my heart had been torn out of my chest. The news of her death came so suddenly that I had first thought of it as a sick joke that someone had devised to mess with me and my brother while vacationing at his home in Virginia.
While sitting in my brother’s living room and watching him and my sister-in-law play video games, the only thought in my mind was how happy I was and how I was going to miss them as soon as I left. My stepfather never called me before, so I was incredibly surprised when my phone buzzed, and his name was displayed on the screen. I answered while still laughing at my family, but my laughter immediately halted when he began to frantically speak. Through his tears, I could only make out a few words. I knew my mother was on the route to the hospital, she had stopped breathing, and I was thousands of miles away. I hung up the phone when there wasn’t anything left for my stepfather to say and stared blankly at my brother and sister-in-law.
I sat alone on the couch while my brother paced the house repeatedly and my sister-in-law tried to calm him down. In my mind, I thought that she would be okay, but my heart could feel that something was wrong. Seconds turned into minutes that felt like hours. We all waited for a phone call that I hoped we would never receive. My stepfather called an hour and a half later. The line was silent at first and all I could hear was his stifled breathing, but when he spoke his voice cracked. My mother didn’t make it to the hospital. He kept repeating that they tried to help her or to save her, but it was impossible.
My phone dropped from my hand as I sat frozen. Time stood still for me and I felt as though everything that I knew about life and death was wrong. My sister-in-law reached for my phone as I stood up and walked out of the house. Tears did not come right away. I had to pull myself away from everyone to be able to realize the loss that had just occurred to me. I burst into tears as I sat on the front porch alone and screamed into the air. There was nothing I could do, so I curled into a ball and cried. I was unaware of the time that had passed when my sister-in-law came to me and told me to come inside. I told her not yet because I had a few phone calls to make. She handed me my phone as I wiped away tears and tried to regain my composure.
First, I called my boyfriend Oscar. He knew what had happened, but I needed to hear his voice. I needed him to tell me that everything would be okay and that I would be fine. His voice was the only thing that I knew of that could make me feel better. I talked to him while I cried more and more. I did not want to cry anymore, but I could not stop. I told him I would call him back because I had another phone call to make. I called my boss Sabrina. When I told her what happened she couldn’t believe it, but she immediately told me that I wouldn’t need to return to work right away.
I called Oscar back and went back inside my brother’s house. I told them all that I needed to leave and return home, but they refused to let me leave. The time was already past six o’clock and it was an eight-hour drive. I needed sleep, but I knew I would not be able to. I sat back on the couch as I watched my family frantically pace in anger and sadness. The tears in my eyes had stopped, but the pain in my chest only grew stronger. I looked at Oscar and felt a small amount of relief knowing that I had him. I could only think of how much I did not want to lose him in the same way. He was the man that I never thought I would find.
The night seemed to pass in slow motion as I struggled to fall asleep. As the clock struck at midnight, I realized that sleep was going to evade me whether I tried or not, so I decided that it was time to leave. My brother had already gone to bed, but my sister-in-law was still awake. I told her that I was going to leave and that I would call them in the morning when I reached home. She gave me the warmest hug possible and held me for a few minutes before I packed my son, Joshua, into the car. He was fast asleep, so I knew that the drive would be a quiet one.
At first, the journey home was much like the trip to Virginia, peaceful and quiet. The roads were barren and not a soul was awake just yet. Left alone with my thoughts, I tried to distract myself with music, but looking in the rearview mirror reminded me of Joshua sleeping. I turned the music down and continued to drive while memories began to play through my mind like a movie. At the moment, I was unaware of the things going on around me, but I was still conscious of the fact that I was driving. As though my body was not mine and I was watching things happen like a movie.
I remembered the time that my mother was sitting across from me opening her birthday presents and how she smiled so brightly. I remembered the Christmas concert that we both attended together that Joshua had when he was in kindergarten. The countless times that I told my mother that we would spend more time together later or that there was plenty of time for family gatherings. I remembered all the little moments that used to seem so trivial to me.
The sun peaked over the mountains as I passed the halfway point home. It was then that I realized how much time had passed. I looked in the back seat to see Joshua was already awake, but he had not said a word. He could sense that something was wrong, but he just smiled at me. My heart ached for him knowing that he too lost someone who was so important in his life. He was completely unaware of what had happened, and I wanted to keep it that way, but I knew that this was not something that I could shield him from.
We reached the final toll on our way back home. This meant we were only an hour or so away. As we waited in the lengthy line of morning traffic, I rolled down the window to allow some fresh air into the car and turned on the radio. We sat for what felt like an eternity just watching cars being herded through the various lanes until things were at a complete standstill. As I leaned my head against the window in anguish and frustration, I saw a small butterfly pass between the cars. This little butterfly caught my attention and soon it landed gently on the hood of my car. Butterflies were my mother’s favorite thing in the world. She loved them so much that she would plant flowers just to attract them to her garden.
Somehow at that moment, it was as though my mother was sending me a small sign that she was with me. The butterfly fluttered away right before it was my turn to move through the toll. I felt a sudden rush of sadness wash over me as I watched it fly away. I had hoped it would circle back around, but it was too late, and I had to continue the way home. Tears fell from my eyes, but I was careful not to make a sound and let Joshua know that something was wrong. I knew that the pain I was experiencing was too much for me and I could not put that pain on him.
