Chapter 1
How long with thou dwell on words and superficialities?
A burning heart is what I want; consort with burning
Kindle in thy heart the flame of love,
And burn up utterly thoughts and fine expressions.
O Mosses! The lovers of fair rites are one class;
They whose hearts and soul burn with love another.
Life isn’t easier for someone specially for those who loved someone but didn’t get in return what they want actually. She used to write in earlier classes about her dad and her love with him. This story isn’t about love but it is. For despite what people say, love is not a sweet feeling bound to come and go away. In many ways 21st century will record in history as times of unprecedented religious clashes, cultural misunderstandings, and a general sense of insecurity and the fear of the other. At time like these, the need for love is greater than ever. Because love is the very essence and purpose of life. As Rumi reminds us, it hits everybody, including those who shun love – even those who use the word “romantic” as a sign of disapproval.
22 July 2022, its morning, a hot and gleaming morning. Today her life, her goals was going to be set. Today the most important result was going to be announced. Her father wanted to send her far away from the family because of all fuss and the politics. Yes, there was also politics in her own family. She struggled hard to achieve that but what Allah had written was happened. She didn’t get admission in NUST after attempting two tests and a lot of expenses. What happened next was terrible for her. Anyways, a lot of stuff happened and she patiently faced them. Then what? This wasn’t ending for her. This time she has to face the love, not love but actually the love problems.
12 September 2022, days was spending good and nothing was special in that days. But that at 12, she had to met the person without knowing that he’s going to be special in her life. She met him. She saw him. She talked to him. Many days went, she got feelings for him. Why? But she had to. That person pictured himself in front of her that he hadn’t spent a joyful life. At that time, she felt sorry for him and had a sympathy for his betterment of his life. She started to spent time with him. Started to made his days good when he was with her. But she didn’t know that he would made her life unbearable. She used to read about love but she made love with him. That was her favorite moments.
Anyways, this is the rule of world that says if you are truly loves a person, you are going to be betrayed by him/her. A sad reality. But it’s the fact and if we you don’t focus on it nearly you are going to experience it. But it also raises many questions. Why does it happen?
All over, you give your best, you truly care about that person, you think about them all time, their nature, their smile, their habits, their likings, you remember the slightest detail, you remember the beginnings, the downfall, the happy moments, the curse words. But what you get in return? Nothing. Then what next. You didn’t accept the failure in love. You tried again to go back to them with all hurt, with broken parts of your heart, tried your best. But this time, the result is worst than before. Again, you didn’t give up. This time you just changed the ways so that they know your importance but in vain. Meri Jan, you tried your best to remained in contact with them, not to go far away from them, you accept all the hurt, you accept all the lies but you never complained to them. They entertained third person; you blocked every person who was getting in your path. The third person completely blocked your path to get them back, you even there tried, cared about them. You were broken badly. Your feelings were badly offended. So, there’s a girl who experienced this at very young age. She experienced it when she was also tackling with her family. This story is about that girl. The girl experienced first time severe anxiety and panic attacks at the educational institute. She lost all her friends at that time. She spent time all alone even giving her best. She never cheated, lied, ditched any person. She was taught to never do this. But she had to suffered from it.
At that time, she wrote;
I said I shall tell
the tale of my heart
as best as I can;
caught
in the storm of my teras,
with a bleeding heart,
I failed to do that!
I tried to relate to event
in broken, muted words;
the cup of my thoughts
was so fragile,
that I fell into pieces
like shattered glass.
Many ships were wrecked
in this storm;
What is my little helpless boat in comparison?
The waves destroyed my ship
neither good remained nor bad;
free from myself
I tried my body to raft
Now, I’m neither up nor down-
No this is not a fair description;
I’m up on a wave one instant,
And down under another the next.
I’m not aware of my existence
I know only this
When I’m, I’m not
& when I’m not, I’m!
After all, People on the outside of situations like these often wonder why the woman goes back to the abuser. She read somewhere once that 85 percent of women return to abusive situations. That was before she realized she was in one, and when she heard that statistic, she thought it was because the women were stupid. She thought it was because they were weak. She thought these things about her own mother more than once. But sometimes the reason women go back is simply because they’re in love. She loved her lover. She loved so many things about him. She wished cutting her feelings of for the person who hurt her was as easy as she used to think it would be. Preventing your heart from forgiving someone you love is actually a hell of a lot harder than. Simply forgiving them.
She is also a statistic now. The things she has thought about women like her are now what others would think of her if they knew her current situation. “How could she love him after what he did to her? How could she contemplate taking him back? “It’s sad that those are the first thoughts that run through our minds when someone is abused. Shouldn’t there be more distaste in our mouths for the abusers than for those who continue to love the abusers? The girl thinks of all the people who have been in this situation before herself. Everyone who will be in this situation after herself. Do we all repeat the same words in our heads in the days after experiencing abuse at the hands of those who love us? And the answer is obvious. She quietly went through it. She tried her best to saw him just only one time at that place.
What happened next? She become a strong girl internally. Forget all those things which made her weaker, forget all the feelings for him. Now this time, his presence didn’t affect her. She just focuses on herself. Many her so called friends bully her for making him as a lover. She wanted to shout at them just to make them silent but she couldn’t.
Her nights were restless. She couldn’t sleep properly but woke up with smile pretending she’s ok. After all that fuss, she never contacts with him nor with eyes. She distanced herself all those things that belongs to him. She never then waited for him. She just moved on from him. Because she has more things to tackle than him.
Our soul recognized each other
Before our lips met,
For this was not our first meeting
Our soul fell in love
In a place between heaven and earth
Before the stars began burning
And days and nights alternated
Before our bodies were created
And we were sent to this world.
Life made us forget.
But the aching in my heart
before our lips met.
Was my soul remembering
The months we have endured
Without each other.
The boy, with pretty and sparking eyes which made her to fall in love, belong to a stable family, not stress like her, far away from all worries, but not spent happy childhood. Her mother was clearly raised by a prince, that she encountered all worries very ardently. She tried her best to made her children, four boys, a gentleman. Anyways, he wasn’t a gentleman in eyes of her. He only few days made her happy, spent few days with her. But he cared about her. When he saw, that she moved on and not paying focus on him, he came to her, but lying to others. He asked about her health. She wasn’t surprised about his visit because she knew, one day he would come back when she would forget him. He made hot and cold behavior for her. He made her to lost all feelings for him. He badly hurt her with knowing that she loved him unconditionally. He never understood the true meaning of her true love, unconditionally love. In fact, he made her character less in front of his friends. He leaked her privacy. He entertained the third person in between their bond. He wasn’t loyal to her anytime. He cheated her, lied to her, betrayed her, ditched her in every possible way. In return, the girl always gave her truly love to unlucky boy. They say wrong person, right time; but for her, wrong person wrong time. He complained to other about her. And maybe they felt empty because they knew how to give love, but they didn’t know how to accept it.
He never wiped her tears, never valued her tears, never valued her feelings which was only towards him. But one day maybe he cared about it all. But it was too late for him because the girl wasn’t coming back. He tried to reached out but she was gone. She never asked for anything but she only ask one thing; “What was my fault?”. The story ended unexpectedly but the starting was expected from both sides maybe not from boy because he said to her one night; “I love you”.
But the same words were said to another person by him at that night when she was begging him to stop, not leave her in this word alone. But it was written to happened. No one could change the written thing by Allah Almighty. Every night she counseled herself that now he’s not coming back just move on. On the other side he was busy in making love with another person. Every night she recalled all the memories made with him but he was making new moments. Every night, when she was stressed from family fuss, she cried, harm herself. Butat that times he was busy in his own stuff. She dreadfully harmed herself that sometimes it causes bleeding. But she never told to anyone. She stopped visiting public places, not hang out with her friends. She locked herself in room for whole day. He never noticed her again when he moved on and got a new partner for his life. He never knew how to love someone without implementing conditions.
The days turned into weeks, weeks into months, she was still lobbing for his remembrance. She read the old conservations. Got tears in her eyes whenever she opened his gift.
She once wrote in her diary
After what you did to me;
You don’t deserve to say to me that you loved me.
You used me, betrayed me,
And you almost broke me,
But you didn’t love me
In any moments..
After all the girl tried her best not to contact him even, she missed him, more than before. But she has to do this for the sake of her life. She has more problems, more difficulties ahead, more responsibilities as she is the youngest and one and only daughter of her family. She has to focus on her family as her brother, father need her. She has clearly no time left in her life to deal with toxicity. Even she secretly loves him now, more than before.
A true lover is proved such by his pain of heart!
No sickness is there like sickness of heart!!!
To be continued…
