Molly

Not that she was all this example of perfection to put it all my aunt told me that as a girl she did not disdain to withdraw with the boys to exchange kisses and fuss without looking at the subtle if they were free or already engaged with some of her friends even if it must be recognized that the aunt is not that source of truth that she thinks she is seeing that most of the time what she throws out is not the true truth but what she believes to be the truth not that she deliberately tells the false but she has a vision all her personal of the things that I have now ascertained does not always coincide with reality then it must be said that I have never seen all this great love declaimed for her sister and I am sure that all her life she envied her because she has always been more beautiful and the boys no doubt preferred her I would not even be surprised if sometimes she had blown her a guy on whom she had set her eyes first or that she was even on the verge of conquering and therefore she certainly wasn’t prude as a girl but I am convinced neither as an adult and as a wife because I remember the quarrels in which he accused her of dedicating too many glances to some stranger or to some common acquaintance and I think that by talking about too many glances he wanted to avoid saying heavier things because he was always a gentleman and he would never have let himself go to utter coarse words and shout in her face his anger he was instead satisfied of withdrawing into himself like a beaten dog and I remember the times when I felt sorry for him and it was I who went to console him by stroking and kissing him and telling him that I loved him and I’m sure that he has always loved me so much too and never once he did not treated me sweetly or slapped me even when I probably deserved it but he was always good to her more than she deserved and not that she was ever safe aware of this indeed I am convinced that she judged this attitude of his as a sign of weakness and basically despised him even if maybe she was in love at the beginning but then it was no more than indifference and prevarication while on his part I believe it was and it has always been true love also because otherwise he would have left her for a long time I would put my hand on the fire that he has never betrayed her even with the thought and yes that she would have deserved it and it is not that he did not have his occasions because he has always been a handsome man and many women looked at him and maybe even thought about him because several times I noticed it and as a child I was also jealous but then I was even proud of it because objectively it is nice to be accompanied by a handsome mature man who attracts more than one female gaze and even my girlfriends told me that he was handsome and some of them may have tried too but he nothing he was in love with her to the core and it makes me angry now because she certainly did not deserve someone like him so this perfection that she boasts is neither in heaven nor on earth and therefore she did not come to say that I disappointed her because I got pregnant without being either married and not even engaged also because there is certainly no need to be married or engaged to get pregnant I don’t have to be the one to explain it to her but then who wants that man as a boyfriend and a husband that physically is not bad at all and I confess that I fell for him I liked him immediately and I had also had a few drinks too many to follow him to the back of the place where there was more than one isolated booth and no one surely came to disturb but I never imagined I would get to have a full relationship there and without precautions at all then I am certainly not one that I allow myself easily and those rare times that I have done it which then have been two or three times if we want to count also the time with a man who did not succeed they have had the foresight to stop ahead of time because I am not taking pills since I don’t plan those things and I don’t even want to stuff myself with hormones that aren’t good for you instead here is that it happened but you can be more unfortunate I say only once even half drunk and one remains pregnant stuff to gamble on the lottery if I find someone good at getting the right numbers out of it anyway if you spend more than half an hour talking with that man you soon understand that he doesn’t know how to do more than chat about discos football clubs and gyms and I for sure don’t want a genius next to me but I at least want someone who knows how to speak with properties of language and has read some books and did some school what the hell I also have a high school diploma and I have been following courses at the university for two years and I have taken ten exams which will be pure served to something even if they have not prevented me from getting pregnant so I have no intention of talking to him about it put that the man makes claims of a shotgun wedding it is never instead he yes he understands me he looked at me a bit stern I must admit but then he came towards me and hugged me as if to console me to make me understand that he was there and I didn’t have to worry about but she took it out on him too telling him that of course if he shouldn’t have shown towards me condescension instead of severity again this time and that it was also his fault that it happened what it happened because it was too much to allow me everything to let everything pass and cuddling on one side and cuddling on the other it is not how you become an adult and responsible and avoid yourself some errors however in the end there is always a solution to everything she told me and surely you were in time to turn to someone to get an abortion because it is always better not to trust on hospitals for these things they ensure anonymity but then who knows because everything comes out and ends up on everyone’s lips in no time at all becoming the laughing stock of relatives and friends already she imagined the face that her sister would have made instead she had a daughter who was a little saint to hear her but go instead to know these little saint what they do at the end because she never believed the saints but in any case at least her sister had to be involved because surely among her many strange acquaintances someone who knew how to find the right person had to be there on the other hand it was only through her that on more than one occasion we had managed to get us out of various messes that had fallen on us because we’d suffer if instead we were waiting for help from his relatives always with a snotty nose and obeying the most elementary and useless rules capable of queuing for the bus even being only two or perhaps paying a bill days before to avoid paying a day late not to mention getting a fine they would consider it a fault of those who are indelible they have fear of everything and everyone and consider themselves superior to all just imagine that their acquaintances can be counted on the fingers of one hand and certainly they are not one of those who can serve anything besides they will still be mad at him for having been with someone like her as if they were then better than her family just because they are all employees between regional administration and other public institutions including him who has a job at the town hall while her relatives have always worked as employees in the private trade but at least they worked and work while like hell those work as well as all public employees who are there only to warm the chairs but then she knows well how they managed to settle all thanks to his uncle the good soul who it does not know for what mystery had managed to become a manager of the regional administration and was the only busybody of the family they were against her from the very start claiming not so covertly that she had framed him with her fuss to grab him and get married while he had been fooled not to marry his high school girlfriend who craved for him and that her father was a tall post office manager but come to think well of it she would have earned if that girl had been the one to take him instead of ruining her life with his ineptitude I get nervous about how she treats him and he who stays there silent and bears it there and then I could not even argue so much her mention of abortion had baffled me and I had not even thought of the possibility of an abortion and moreover of having recourse to someone under the table rather than at a hospital but you know what it matters to me if it later finds out and relatives and friends can speak badly I would care less than a fig while she wouldn’t give a damn knowing that I am in the hands of any butcher in some filthy dump at get his hands on me at the risk of my life because these things happen and often end badly while in the hospital you can be reasonably calm but see if nowadays you still have to resort to mommies for these things so I left them both there and I went to my bedroom but she was still yelling at me that we had to hurry and that she would talk to her sister and that in any case I had been a fool you imagine that she came to the bedroom door and tried to open it to continue to rant near luckily that I had locked it before throwing myself on the bed the who knows if it is male or female but at a guess it should be female since the aunt also has only one daughter and from his part as I found out I have only one other girlcousin unless that wretch man has a host of males on his side maybe it also has her eyes which are blue and green instead of mine which are brown because to be honest if there is only one thing that I envy her is her eyes and I believe that with those she was good and bad with men and surely it must have been for those that he fell for her like a ripe pear the name no instead I would not renew her name even for all the gold in the world with the risk that it would also take her own as a character then yes I would throw myself into the sea but if it were male I would like to renew his name and I would be happy if it takes a little of everything from him except the submissive character the one not for sure that a stronger character would have benefited him in life at least as far as the family sphere is concerned moreover a nice boy would also be an ideal partner for me I would make a great impression as a mother and as a woman going there around with him that by now men have disgusted me and with them I have closed anyway female or male would do the same for me and I would keep it alone and I would grow it alone I would be able to do it basically I am not stupid I did learn something and some work I would also be able to do it especially if I could also graduate maybe taking more time but I wouldn’t want to give it up on the degree and surely he would give me a help in some way even putting himself finally against her if it were necessary I am convinced about this I hadn’t even thought about the abortion and instead she already had her solution ready so as not to end up on everyone’s lips she didn’t even ask me if I wanted to keep it or not as if it wasn’t even a viable alternative but what does she know if I want to keep it or not if I do not know myself and indeed I had not yet asked myself the question when I talked about it with them but I certainly did not expect that reaction of her I had prepared myself to scold and cry at will to the familiar pillory and to follow of all the complete relatives even to explain why I absolutely did not want to hear about that man as husband and father and I did not even want to tell him anything instead none of this apart from the story of imperfection and disappointment to me the very thought of the word abortion is scary I’m here on the bed and my hands are still shaking I would like to sink close my eyes and not open them anymore so everyone would be happier except him I am sure of it and except of course what I carry inside that perhaps it has also warned that it does not seem to be appreciated I do not know if it is able to perceive it or not because it is not said that hands arms heart and head must have already been formed in order to capture these things maybe it is there that it trembles too or those few cells that have aggregated vibrate I have to calm down that it is better to inhale and exhale to inhale and exhale certain that it must be nice to be a mother it no longer feels anything there she will be crying in silence or talking softly on the phone with her sister for fear that the neighbors might suspect something you know that laughing at her reaction if I were to confess that I want to keep it at the very least she would lose consciousness instantly he instead not I am confident that he would embrace me to inhale and exhale to inhale and exhale.Start writing here…