Chapter 1
It’s being a while since I last put pen to paper. I’ll admit last time I brushed the ink through these pages I was not in a good place, nor mentally or physically.
I’ve being feeling better lately, making new friends, hanging out with new people, and overall being more open to social interactions and life in general. I suppose everything is going ok compared to last year, obviously there are days where I condone myself into violent melancholy and despair, but these sudden feeling eventually fade away, and I presume with my life.
Sometime I wonder if my thoughts are being facetious, if I really mean what I think, or if it’s just my conscious trying to punish me for my serenity. When I take in count the prosperity of the moments without suffering, I realise how content I am with my life.
The pain I felt seems so distant now, for at times it comes rushing back like a magnet who lost its partner, and the contemptuous sorrows lingers back in my head ,travel through my veins and reaches my heart.
The intricacies of my mind’s workings elude me, but I don’t mind. For to delve into its depths would be to lose myself in the ocean, and that thought alone leaves me breathless.
But I do struggle to understand this reoccurring cycle of enmity towards my happiness. I dare to infer, after yearning for a miserable fragment of joy , why on earth I search for comfort in sadness. The beauty of letting go of your responsibilities and falling into your old habits just because “ I’m sad” brings a sense of protection perfectly blended with anguish just to reach that euphoric pick of depression and conclude to an epiphany of self-worth and longing for happiness again.
The toxicity of this cycle somehow brings balance to my life. They may be too extremes if I may say, the extreme of happiness who is quickly knocked down by an inconvenience and becomes desperate sadness again.
From the contrast of these feelings surges an addiction of a constant look for a high. Almost like a drug, where you purposely put yourself into a decaying mindset just to wait for weeks until you get that high of happiness again that’ll last for maybe a couple of days or if I’m lucky a week.
Although I have self awareness I struggle to find a balance of serenity, where extreme happiness is not needed to feel content. I lack the resilience of ignoring and avoiding external inputs that output into sadness. I’m too emotional and little things affect me. Not because I’m overly sensitive but because I need an excuse to fall down again, to hold a grudge and deprive myself from sanity.
I create a loop of “what ifs” and live in constant regret, generating millions of possibilities and scenarios, how “ I could have acted” or “ if I didn’t do or say that thing” . Although I am aware that nothing lasts forever and people forget and move on , possibilities are infinite and imagination is unlimited, so sometimes I do question if it really has an end, or does my mind have to switch off to stop this.
But who knows … I’m just a girl at the end of the day, who is gullible and knows nothing, who hasn’t experience enough to know the real hardships of life.
