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Start writing here…
And its the knee jerk reaction to argue with a directive. I am lonely and isolated in my own head. Constant misfiring in my brain that wants to be close to others… but then I sabotage myself.
I always get what I want. The problem is getting me to agree with myself, the problem is getting US to cooperate. Self defeatism at its finest.
No one agreeing and some fighting as a means to an end. Gaps and anxiety ensues as my ego struggles with what “I” and “myself” represent.
There are moments of strong identity, and moments of whirwind mania and fear and gaps in memory. I question who I am, where I am going, memories of carefully crafted desires and wants.
I desired children. So I had them. I desired a home. I have it. But parts of me want to flee here. Some of my reasons are sociological, others emotional, and even more so environmentally… which ties into politics. Which is also tied to religion.
I fear climate change in the sense that I fear for the individuals in each species that will experience the ongoing mass extinction.
Creatures fostered by humans will flourish, even after the humans as a species are gone. Most have developed a sense of awareness and willingness to work together.
Bees will be so docile that their handlers can move and carry an entire hive without buzzed protest.
I am embarrassed for those of my species’ that lack the emotional and compassionate awareness. It has been consumed by rigid adherence to patriarchal and capitalistic demands.
My trauma exposed, drives away those that fear my oddity. My autistic tendencies of chatter and nonverbal querries.
My memory is a sieve because they are divied up and parceled out- and I struggle to keep my emotions under control when awful memories are shoved into a single- tripple consciousness..
And with every moment of reaction or inaction I question if its my fault? If I drove someone away- If I was cruel or manipulative?
Is it manipulation to seek to be loved? Or unacceptable as a nonbinary creature in the curvy female body that is desired by men? Compulsory monogamy that craves to subjugate women and femmes as an extention of the other partner.
I think its religion. Fuck the Catholic church.
そうですね。ばか。
Why are we like this?
