LUKAS
The unforgiving rays of the afternoon sun pierced my skin mercilessly as I continued to walk towards my destination.
“Learn to go through your stumbling blocks, don’t let anything get in the way” Miss Patty said with much emphasis.
I remember her piercing blue eyes landing on mine as the others looked on. I know in my heart that these inspiring words were directed solely at me.
My name is Lukas. I am a long-time resident of the Falling Leaves Behavioral Health Facility FLBHF- having been diagnosed with Paranoid Schizophrenia at age 23. I have had behavioral problems since as far as I can remember and by 18 had full blown schizophrenia. My parents have sent me to numerous therapists through the years and have undergone lots of medication treatments, but nothing worked. When I pulled a knife on my mother one day, I immediately got transported to the puff unit, got myself on a 5150 and ended up at FLBHF.
I did not return to the Facility after my daily 2-hour self-pass to find Miss Patty.
Miss Patty is a Psychologist at FLBHF and has been my therapist since I was admitted. She also has routine groups daily, attended by all her patients that promote healing through interactions with others.
When I met her for the first time at the puff unit, I knew that I had connected with her soul. Her eyes showed the kind of sympathy that I have yearned for but did not get, especially from my own family. Through the years, she helped me go through one crisis after another. She was always there to coach me towards the right decisions that had greatly affected the outcome of my life.
Once established on a treatment plan, I’ve tried my best to reconnect to my family. But since the incident with my mom, I have been unforgiven and deemed nonexistent. Like typical people that are ignorant about mental illness, my family succumbed to the fact that I will always be a physical threat to everyone. What was that common phrase, do not turn your back on a mental patient? So, I have long since learned to live without my family. But at times, I still look for the familiarity, the camaraderie, that people bound by blood have. At one point, when I realized that this was a lost cause, I attempted suicide.
Barely clinging to life, Miss Patty said
“Lukas, doing this will never solve the problem. Remember what I always said, ending one’s life is a game changer.”
From then on, I valued life as it truly deserves because I believe everything, she tells me. Except for Miss Patty, no one will truly care for me but myself. I started an exercise regime, ate right and was cognizant in listening to my body when it comes to my overall health.
Miss Patty’s groups were more beneficial to me than medications which I often cheek anyway, just as I have always done through the years, despite the watchful eyes of the Med Nurses. Besides making me drowsy, those meds slow me down and I want to be alert and wide awake when I attend her groups.
The blasting horn of an angry motorist brought me back to the present as I unknowingly went beyond the lane of the pedestrian walk.
“I wonder how much longer?” I thought.
I have been walking for what seemed like hours nonstop. I was uncomfortable using public transport for fear of being recognized at close range. By now, I am sure that an APB was already generated because of my absence from the facility.
“If you want something bad enough, it can happen.”
Miss Patty said with a smile when we worked a 1000-piece puzzle together. I really need to see her again.
It was a devastating blow when I attended her group a few days ago, and a huge man in his mid-60s was there instead of her.
“Miss Patty is no longer with the Company effective today.” was all he said.
Mr. Gerhart’s voice seemed like white noise as he started a lesson on crisis management. Ironic as that was.
All I could think of was how I could reach Miss Patty, because she will never do this to me. Just up and go without saying goodbye.
“If you don’t understand something, do not be scared to ask questions.” she always reminded me.
That was really very hard for me to do and I’m still working on it. Years of being locked up in a psych facility have taught me not to be an open book. Except for Miss Patty, I was always leery of anyone knowing my business and what I truly felt.
I stayed quiet through the rest of Mr. Gerhart’s group and just spent time thinking of my next move. My face probably revealed everything because all of a sudden, I saw his wrinkly face appear in my vision.
“Is something bothering you Lukas?”
“No, everything’s fine.” I answered and looked away.
“Do you need a PRN?” he added.
“No.” I said with a louder tone of voice than I had meant to. These fools think that the only answer to life’s problems is medication. They never really talk to me like how Miss Patty does. They think they know everything about me by looking at my medical chart.
The class continued as normal, but I felt Mr. Gerhart’s suspicious stare every couple of minutes. I do not know his credentials, but if he was experienced in dealing with people like me, he would have detected symptoms that I’m really not doing well. Miss Patty always did.
