I am not a drunk

Hello. My name is Marta and I am an alcoholic. Am I though? Nah.. I get up every day for work. The house is clean. Kids are fed. I got this shit completely under control.

So I have a little wine every now and then, so what? I'm sophisticated like that.

Just a glass to relax after long day. I wonder how many reasons I can list that I used to have a drink.

1. I had a long day.

2. I had a shitty day.

3. I had a great day!

4. Kids were exhausting today.

5. Kids have been so good all day.

6. I failed my exam.

7. I passed my exam!

8. It's my birthday!

9. It's my birthday week (Monday)

10. I hate my life.

11. I love my life!

12. My husband left his laundry on the floor.

13. Work is too overwhelming.

14. I am crushing it at work!

15. I am so fat.

16. I am looking fine!

17. I just wanna a drink..

There! Obviously this is not an exhausted list of reasons, but it kind of gives a taste of the problem. Every reason is good enough to have a drink.

Honestly, I can't remember last time I had a month without an alcohol. I've done dry January once, maybe in 2017.. so that's 6 years ago. Wow... 6 years sounds like a long time. That's a lot of wine!

How did I get here? How have I become a person who is incapable of going through an evening without thinking about alcohol. How have I become a person who walks to Tesco Express at 9.30 pm in her pyjamas because only wine can satisfy her craving? Years and years of practice! That's how.

I hate the term "alcoholic". I instantly envision unwashed low-life on the park bench drinking beer at 9 am in the morning. No job. No prospects. Just drinking. Ruined his life. I would also associate an alcoholic with the man. Women can't be alcoholics. Women can be victims of the alcohol abusing husbands with anger issues. Women definitely cannot be alcoholics. They sip wine in the evening at home during family dinners, or cocktails on the night in town with friends. What they drink is a measure of their lifestyle. If you sip Merlot at 8pm in the lounge of your three floor house it is because you made it. If you drink beer at park bench it is because you fucked it up. As simple as that.

And where did I get these conclusions from? Television of course!

Also, the world around me. My boths grandfathers were alcoholics. One of them hang himself in the forest after experiencing visions. I was less than three months old, so I can only rely on the stories from my mom, but apparently grandpa Stan was a delight. Beating his wife and on occasion his two daughters. Barely providing for his family because majority of his income would go on vodka. I wonder how he could even hold a job? Maybe in his head he wasn't an alcoholic either? He just liked to get smashed with his mates after work. Mom said that towards the end of his life he started hearing voices and telling her that they are calling him. No-one took him seriously even when he openly said that he is going to kill himself. My parents came to visit with me as their newborn. Grandma was there but as per usual grandad was nowhere to be seen. He eventually turned up, drunk of course, and he asked my mom if he can kiss me goodbye. She didn't want an argument but she also didn't want his vodka breath on me so she let him kiss my foot. They found him three days later in the nearby forest. He used his belt to hang himself.

Grandad Joseph was also a delight. He worked as a chimney sweep which apparently was a great gig back in 70s. He also liked to have a drink after work and then beat his wife and occasionally the kids. My dad never talks about his childhood. Over the years all we got was that he remembered one Christmas when they were cold and hungry, while grandad was entertaining his Mistress and her kids two blocks away. I am not sure how he stopped drinking. Shame he is dead, maybe he could give me some top tips.