I am not a drunk - day 1 of sobriety

We haven’t had sex in almost three months. Not great for the second year of marriage. Of course some fault lays with him. How hard can it be to just not throw dirty clothes next to bed or hallway. The fucking laundry basket is ten steps away! Why if I ask him to put plates in the dishwasher he leaves glasses on the kitchen top? Sometimes I wonder if he is on some sort of spectrum. My OCD can’t take it. I am constantly annoyed with him. It has been a long week and I realised I have been tipsy most of it. Last Wednesday I have decided to stop drinking wine. My complexion suffers from all the sugar, my jawline is covered in spots and I feel ugly. So I bought a bottle gin, because that will make things so much better! And just like that week later the bottle is empty and my face has even more zits.

I keep reminding him we have not had sex in ages. He keeps reminding me I am moaning at him all the time and I am drunk most of the week. I can’t argue with that. It’s time to face the music and sort my shit out.

Day one without alcohol..so fucking boring. Obviously all I can think of is having a drink. It’s not as difficult in the day when I’m busy working but from 5 pm it’s a nightmare. I keep thinking to myself how stupid is this. I enjoy drinking. Shouldn’t I just be happy? But am I? Am I happy? Does drinking make me happy or just satisfies the craving? Once I had few almost every time my mind enters into exiatentional crisis. I start question everything and everything seems just too much. But it doesn’t matter because at least I have a drink so life can’t be that bad. If I can afford wine and gin then the world is my oyster!

This is hard. I wonder if it is because I am addicted or is it because we are programmed to want what we can’t have. If I go on a diet and cut out bread then all I can think if is a sandwich. If I cut out pasta then all I crave is Tagliatelle Arabiatta. I am not addicted to those things, so I am not addicted to alcohol. Sorted. Fantastic.

It’s 10 pm and I am wide awake. I am not used feeling so fresh at 10 pm so I start getting bored and frustrated. If I had a glass of Chardonnay it would relax me and I would go to sleep. Tesco Express is just 1 min walk away.

It’s 11 pm and my mind is all over the place. This is going to the pay off. My suffering. The craving will stop. I am yet again questioning this stupid idea of sobriety in my mind. What is the point of this? I am not gonna last long anyway. Weekend is coming and isn’t weekend just made for wine?

Oh well, at least I made it one day.