I am not a drunk - it's part of the job

From very young age it was clear that I had a potential as a singer. I grew up in the poor household. Parents without education or profession, jumping from job to job to pay the bills and provide best to their abilities. It was difficult for them and it was difficult for me when I became a teenager and started to realise how other kids have more than me. New clothes, mobile phones, computers, those were luxuries my parents couldn’t afford. When all my friends paraded around school with first colour screen phones I had to carry brick Nokia. It was embarrassing and kids are cruel. My parents did best they could and to them my problems were not “real” problems. In our house we would buy what we needed, not what we wanted, at least most of the times.

I had a great singing voice and when I started attending singing lessons in local community center the word spread quickly. Very soon I have been offered to work as a wedding singer. I was only 15 at the time so my parents were quite reluctant, but after begging long enough and promising that I keep up my grades they caved. After all it would be some extra money.

Weddings in Poland are tough for a singer. Usually start around 6pm and finish 6 am. That means around 9 hours of singing. The band is treated like wedding guests. The table is provided with all you can eat buffet, several hot meals through the night and of course as much vodka you can handle. Of course my parents prohibited me from drinking, but as long as I was back home sober they couldn’t have possibly known if I was drinking. You could argue that my band mates, a bunch of older men should take responsibility for the underage young girl and make sure she is as far from the alcohol as possible. After all it is illegal to drink in Poland under the age of 18, and also, they promised my parents to take care of me.

In all honesty I don’t remember if I asked for a drink or if I was offered a drink. Important fact is that by the age of 16 I would drink for hours every weekend during gigs. I don’t know if it was my age or genetic predisposition to absorb large amount of alcohol inherited from my grandparents/alcoholics, but I could drink a lot! And it would affect me the slightest. Singing is actually very physical activity, so when I look back I think it was just metabolising the alcohol quickly during performances. Being a musician in Poland means you drink. It is embedded in job description. It is show business after all. Life of the party.

There I was, young and hopeful, excited to be treated like an adult. Look at all those men wanting to have a shot with me. Telling me how pretty I am and that I have a voice of an angel. It certainly felt great and boosted my confidence. Boys were never into me at school. I was a late bloomer. My breast were basically non existent. I suffered from severe acne and I had a curly hair that would just frizz all the time. My parents wouldn’t allow me to wear any make up, which made me of one the very few girls not wearing mascara at school. But when I was going to sing I was allowed everything. Hair, nails, lips, full shabam. Ugly duckling by day, black swan at night. Gorgeous, fearless and absolutely empowered with vodka. Every weekend we would play and men would shower me with compliments. Guys from the band would proudly point out how I am a such a “drinking machine’, and so I would drink and impress everyone. I had the best time, or so I thought.

If I have only known then that this would start five years singing career and as such five year of regular alcohol abuse. Would I swap to juice? Would I kept my distance from men who were simply predators trying to get to my pants? Would I have saved myself heartbreak after heartbreak when I realised that I was just a fling on the side, and none of them ever cared about me? All the men who groomed me when I was a teen... it is sad that I have only realised in my thirties that it all has happened to me. At the time I believed I was in control of the situation, I seduced them. Now I see that sadly they were using me. Perhaps they truly believed what they were telling me, how mature I was for my age. Age of 16,17,18,19.. All those men at least decade older than me. Did they realise at the time that they are damaging my perception of sex and intimacy for years to come?