Counting Stars

“What the hell is your problem? Why would you even think to do that to me? Why would you even think that was the right time to do that? To tell me that?! I really don’t get you at all Eric. You practically ignored me all throughout high school, when I needed you, then I found out you’re the lead guitarist everyone is going crazy about, and right before one of the biggest performances of my life you decide to tell me that you had a crush on me the entire time. The entire time! WITHOUT EVEN AN OUNCE OF AN EXPLANATION! Why did it have to be right then Eric? Why not when I needed it the most? Couldn’t you have waited just a little bit longer? Why did it have to be doing something so important? Why did it have to be right at that moment? Please, just tell me why?” I yelled before staring at him expectantly. Of course, all I got was mute silence. I groaned as I walked past him to meet the others outside. Joe, our drummer, Steve, our base guitarist, and Silver, the other lead singer and pianist. She was also my best-friend. As soon as I stepped off the tour bus, I immediately spotted Silver and ran over to her bursting into tears. She would understand. As expected, she just rubbed my back and whispered soothing words until I calmed down. When I was calm enough, I noticed the guys were staring at me with a mix of confusion and pity. I rolled my eyes and began to explain to them what happened just before the show.

“Noel, I’m sorry but I really don’t get it. Why did that make you cry?” asked Steve. "I mean I understand wanting to know the answers, but why did you get so upset when you already know you won't get them?"

“I’m with Steve, Noel. I’ve never seen you cry before. Like ever. Forgive me for saying, but you crying isn’t a pretty sight. Plus, I don't like that it was because of Eric.” I looked at Steve and Joe understanding that their words were mainly out of confusion because they didn’t have the entire story. They couldn’t fully understand the hurt without it. I looked at Silver with pleading eyes. I knew she would understand to just give them the gist of the situation. It wasn’t that I didn’t trust them to know the full truth, I just knew that to a certain extent they couldn’t handle it. I lived it and sometimes the full truth still brought me to my knees. It was almost like someone else had lived that life instead.

“You guys just don’t get it. All throughout high school she was basically head over heels for him. I mean she was beyond sprung and for good reason. I’m talking sideways glances and everything. Anyways, one time we were singing, and their eyes connected, and her voice shocked the entire audience. Well things sort of got kind of different after that. Their eyes connected a lot more than usual, but all they did were a simple hi to each other. Matter of fact all they did was wave to each other. No words, no sounds. It was kind of obvious that they liked each other, but we all knew she would never give him a chance. He basically dissed her freshman year. It was brutal. So yeah, after all of that for him to bring back those emotions after she’s been over it and him for a while now… it kind of got to her and she exploded.”

I watched as they slowly nodded their heads in understanding. When they finally did, they looked at me sympathetically. They didn’t even know everything, and they were giving me those kinds of looks that I’ve come to hate. I’ve come too far to still be getting looked at like that. I sighed as I slid down the side of the tour bus. I didn’t want any more sympathy and I didn’t want the pity that came with it. Wiping the tears from my eyes fed up with all the crying that was now being replaced with anger because I realized I would never truly be over it, or him, as Silver came and sat to the right side of me as Steve and Joe sat to my left. “Are you okay Noel?” she asked, grabbing my hand.

“Silver, I just want to know why. Why would he wait all of this time? Why would he even bother? Why now? Four fucking years Silver. He waited four years to tell me that he had a crush on me and that’s not including the four years we were in school together. Besides, when the hell did he learn how to play the damn guitar?” Silver started laughing as I looked at her with questioning eyes.

“I’m sorry.” She said laughing but trying hard not to.

“No, it’s okay, I want to know. What were you laughing at?”

“Remember when the guys brought him here and all we heard was the guitar playing. We got really excited to meet him. When we saw that it was just Eric...the way your face fell was hilarious.” I laughed as the memory played in my head. That same day I remembered why I started liking him in the first place. It wasn’t because of his looks, it never was. It was because he was so mysterious, and I guess that’s what intrigued me the most. For about five to ten minutes, we chatted absentmindedly to get my mind off of things. It was just barely working when he stepped off the bus and brought my attention and thoughts right back to him. Our history, our present and all possibilities of our future. As he walked past me his eyes connected with mine and he smirked. My heart fluttered like it did when we were back in school. Could’ve sworn I felt it skip multiple beats. I hit my head against the bus as Silver laughed. Some things truly never change.

“I hate you bitch.” I said through clenched teeth.

“I hate you too, ya slut.” She laughed.

“Fine with me.” I shrugged.

“Fuck off.”

I shook my head as I laughed at her. It had taken a lot for us to be this comfortable with others around like this and I was truly grateful for it; but it also meant that we couldn’t break when it felt needed. For me, sometimes, I needed it. I sighed seeing that Eric was staring right at us the entire time bringing my attention right back to him. My eyes lingered on his for a moment as he gestured for me to come over there. I groaned, not really sure if it was a good idea or not to go and talk to him at this point. Deciding against my better judgment, I got up.

“Guys, I’ll be right back.” I said heading towards him. I knew Silver was staring holes in my back while mumbling ‘dumbass’, but I didn’t care. For some reason I still wanted to be alone with him. I trusted him that much, which was hard for me, but I did. I just wanted us to ourselves for a little while without worrying about others listening in. I walked slowly and cautiously towards him, my eyes casted downwards. Finally, I was standing in front of him, but I still refused to look at him. For some reason I was expecting some sort of an explanation. One that I knew I probably wasn’t going to get, but I had hope. Instead, he put his hand under my chin and lifted my face up to look at him.

“Want to get food?” he asked in his deep accent that always made me feel like he would end up being my safe place outside of Silver. This time it made me angry though. I felt as anger built up in my veins. I wanted to scream and yell until he understood that he couldn’t just toy with my feelings like this.

When I opened my mouth to speak, all that came out was, “Sure.” Yeah, I definitely had no will power when it came to him, especially since he’s been back in my life. It was really getting ridiculous.

We walked into the only restaurant that wasn’t too far away from the hotel. There were so many questions that I needed answers to, and I was glad the guards sat far enough away that I’d be able to do so comfortably. I knew that he wouldn’t give me a direct answer, but that didn’t stop me from hoping. Trying to shake off this bad feeling that I had, I sighed as I took my seat across from him in the booth.

“Hey guys, can I take your order?” asked the waitress with an attitude and not even bothering to look at us or make eye contact.

“Um, sure. We’ll have two double bacon cheeseburgers, some cheese fries, one vanilla milkshake and a strawberry milkshake please.”

“Okay, I’ll put your order in right now.” She said walking away. I felt myself giggle. I noticed how he looked at me while he was ordering and that made me nervous for some reason. Nervous enough to actually giggle like a schoolgirl. Which I tried to hide but failed too.

“What’s funny?” he asked still smiling.

“Nothing.” I replied shyly as the blush crept onto my cheeks. This was embarrassing.

“Come on tell me. I can take a joke.” He pleaded grabbing my hand from across the table. Immediately my attention was on that simple gesture. I took notice of how rough his hand was against my soft one and how they fit perfectly together as I decided to just answer his question. “This is going to sound like I want to be notice, but it was really nothing. I just thought it was funny that she didn’t even bother to look at us while taking our order. Talk about bad service.” he laughed as I spoke up again. “By the way, how did you know I like vanilla milkshakes? I didn’t drink them in school, and I barely have them on the road.” It was true. I was very picky when it came to my milkshakes and rarely found a place with good reviews on them. However, I knew that changing the subject was our best bet before he found out that the giggle was all because of him. That would be kind of embarrassing.

“I pay attention.” Was all he said, and it was something so simple, but I could still feel my cheeks getting hot. It was like he was hinting to me that he knew why I giggled while still being discreet about it. I’ll never understand how he managed to always do that. We both laughed softly and sat in a comfortable silence until our food came. I didn’t want to bring it up anymore. I just wanted to enjoy this alone time we had together. I doubt it was going to happen again anytime soon.

“Here you two go,” Interrupted the waitress pulling me from my thoughts. “Tips are optional and much appreciated. If you get hungry again, please don’t hesitate to come back to... oh my- oh my gosh! You’re Noel and Eric! You’re in that band GET LOUD! Can I please, please, please have your autographs? I’m a huge fan and I love you. Your songs help me get through the rough days.” She said sincerely. We both nodded with a laugh as we autograph her order taking notebook. It was a moment that made me want to cry knowing that I helped someone just by singing. By doing something that I loved.

“Now that’s something I can never get used to.” I said smiling as she walked away in tears.

“I know it just feels so weird having someone crying because of you.” He agreed and just like that I didn’t want to talk anymore. If only he knew how many tears, I shed because of what was said.

The rest of the time we spent it laughing and talking about nothing really. Well, he did most of the talking my mind was still reeling. I had unintentionally forgiven him, and he knew he was forgiven. Still, I couldn’t help wondering if this was a date or not. Or if I even wanted it to be. It had taken me a long time to even consider the idea of dating, but when it came to Eric, I knew I'd be okay with it.

After we were done eating, we headed back towards the hotel. The night had gone so perfectly that I didn’t want it to end. When he kissed my cheek goodnight and walked away, I sighed heavily. The night was really over, and I was no less confused now than I was before. I felt as a tear slid down my cheek as his words from earlier replayed in my mind. “I know it just feels so weird having someone crying because of you.” If only he knew how many nights, I cried myself to sleep because of the hurt.

Not wanting to be ambushed by Silver, I sat alongside the lake. Nights like this were so beautiful and a great way to relax. The lake was breath-taking under the moonlight, and the stars were visible for once. I smiled to myself, this truly was an astonishing sight to see, and I loved it. I sat there motionless with my knees pulled up to my chest and letting the tears cascade down my cheeks for I don’t know how long. It felt good to be able to break for once and not have someone standing over your shoulder concerned.

“Noel?” asked Steve sitting down next to me. I looked at him with tears in my eyes not bothering to wipe them away. There was no point, he'd already seen them. “Are you okay? It’s pretty late to be out here by yourself.”

I shook my head no and he pulled me closer.

“What happened?” he asked in a sympathetic voice. “For someone who was coming right back, you sure took your sweet time.” He joked earning himself a small laugh from me, quickly followed by a heavy sigh. It was such a Silver-like thing to say and suddenly I felt bad for not just going to my room like I was supposed to.

“Sorry about that and nothing. That’s what happened, absolutely nothing. No answers. No explanations. Nothing. I don’t even know where he stands now. We just had a wonderful time together, and I should be happy. It’s just... I ... I don’t know.”

“Well do you still like him?”

“Yes... no... maybe... hell, I don’t know! I think I might. It’s complicated.” I groaned. Eryk was tied to so much that no one really understood the strength it took just for me to be around him. I was willing to try though. I wanted to start anew. I just couldn’t figure out a way to tell my heart that though.

“Well when you figure it out then we’ll talk. Until then, I’m going to tear you away from this mesmerizing sight. It’s freezing out here and you obviously just need some sleep.”

I nodded my head in agreement before getting up and jumping onto his back. I was probably over reacting to this entire situation as per usual, but I still wanted some answers. I needed them. Thinking about all of this made my head hurt, and I was asleep before Steve ever made it too our hotel room.

***********************************

When I woke up the next morning, I felt as if last night events had been nothing more than a dream. I sat up in a bed that I came to realize wasn’t mines, in a room that obviously wasn’t the one I had been given. Steve really was a lazy bone. My room was literally next door to his. Getting up I headed towards the kitchen of the hotel room and I was surprised when I seen that Eric was at the table eating breakfast. I forgot that the three of them were sharing a room. Even though I was wearing Steve’s shirt, I didn’t really feel awkward about it until I read what the shirt said. Party here with an arrow pointing down. Something was really wrong with that boy. Quickly I ran a hand through my tangled hair attempting to tame it a bit before joining him.

“Good morning.” He said sheepishly “And nice shirt.” I rolled my eyes as he laughed.

“Morning to you too.” I replied grabbing a mint from the candy dish and popping it into my mouth with a smirk on my face. I definitely more self-conscious when around him now.

“So how’d you-”

“Ewwww!” I exclaimed dramatically cutting him off as I clenched my nose closed from the stench of the coffee brewing. I looked up to see Eric trying to hold back a laugh.

“Sorry,” he started laughing. “If I would’ve known that you were here I would’ve waited for the coffee.”

“It’s okay don’t mind me. Go ahead and drink your stinky drink. I’ll just sit here and slowly die from the stench while you continue to laugh at my pain.” I replied still scrunching up my nose. He laughed as he poured himself a cup.

“Okay Dramatic. Are you sure you don’t want to try any though? It’s soooo delicious.” He asked as I playfully shoved him while trying to dodge the cup he kept putting in my face. He kept laughing as my face twisted up from my obvious discomfort to the smell, but I couldn’t help it. The smell was horrid. At least in my opinion it was.

“Believe it or not, I’ve tried coffee before.” I started before laughing as he feigned shocked. “Anyways like I was saying, I’ve tried it and it was most definitely not delicious.”

“Well how did you try it?”

“Once black and the other time with two sugars.” I explained.

“Maybe you’ll like it with creamer.” He suggested.

“Doubt it, but good try.” He shook his head laughing as I gave him a sarcastic thumbs up.

“How did you end up sleeping over here anyways?”

“Oh, Steve saw me sitting by the lake and ended up carrying me piggyback style. I don’t know how long I was out there for, but it had to have been kind of late if Steve was out. I guess the lazy bag of bones was too tired to walk next door.” I laughed.

“That was nice of him. I mean I just assumed you went back when I did. How come you didn’t say anything? I would’ve stayed out there with you.”

“Well I felt like I had been talking your ear off all night, and I was positive that you were tired of me. Or at least getting there.” Immediately I looked down at my hands. I didn’t know whether it was because I was nervous or embarrassed by the hidden meaning behind my words. Before I knew it he was standing in front of me, his arm wrapped around my waist as he put his hand under my chin so that I was looking up at him.

“I had fun with you yesterday. We could’ve hung out a little longer.” He smiled as my insides melted.

“I had fun too.” I smiled back before he pulled me into a tight hug. We stood there for just a few seconds too long. I loved every second of it when he suddenly started laughing. “What’s funny?” I asked.

“Nothing.”

“Tell me.” I whined.

“It was nothing. Just that I spilled coffee on my shirt and even though you inhaled it, it still went unnoticed.” I stopped for a minute and inhaled again before scrunching up my nose and pushing him away from me. Moment ruined and now he knew that I had unintentionally been sniffing him.

“No longer is it unnoticed. Ew!”

We both laughed as I shook my head while grabbing a donut and sitting down just as the rest of my friends joined us.

“Anybody for pizza?” asked Joe earning an all around nod from all of us.

“Who else is coming?” Asked Steve jumping up. I rolled my eyes. Steve hated sitting in one spot for too long and looked for any excuse to get out for a minute, but I’ll admit pizza was a good excuse.

“Not me. I’m going to take a shower. You guys can leave me here. I want pepperoni though!” I yelled heading towards the bathroom. “I’m stealing a shirt and your boxer shorts Joe, Steve’s are too weird.” Seconds later I heard the door slam close.

I was just finishing up getting dressed when someone knocked on the door. I looked up towards the door only to see that it was Eric. I didn’t know he had stayed back.

“Can I come in?” he asked his accent sending chills through my bones causing me to smile a bit. He was still in his plaid pajama pants and now he was shirtless allowing me to ogle his muscular upper body. Especially his abs and toned biceps.

“Sure.” I said sitting down on the bed and crossing my legs.

“What were you doing?” he smiled as he sat next to me. I rolled my eyes.

“Nothing much. Just putting on clothes and what not. Is everyone else still gone?” I asked.

“Yhup. Is the hotel pizza really that disgusting?”

“It really is. Tastes like plastic and cardboard.” We both laughed before sitting in a comfortable silence for awhile.

“Can I ask you something?” He asked randomly.

“I don’t know Eric.” I frowned before cracking a smile. “I’m just kidding. Go ahead.”

“Can I try something?” he asked.

“Um...Sure.” I replied before furrowing my eyebrows in confusion as he switched his position on the bed until he was facing me. I had no idea what he was playing at as he intertwined his fingers with mines.

Before I could even open my mouth to ask him what he was doing his lips were pressed against mines in a heavenly kiss. They were soft and the kiss was gentle. Removing my hand from his I reached up and pulled his face closer to mines as I tangled my fingers in his hair. I felt as his hands grabbed my waist pulling our bodies even closer together than they already were. In no time I was laying on my back as he hovered over me. My lungs were on fire from lack of air, but I didn’t care. All to quickly he pulled back and placed his forehead against mines. My eyes were still closed not wanting the moment to end.

“We should probably stop.” He mumbled his lips brushing against mine as he spoke. “You know before everyone gets back. Otherwise I’ll tell them you’re trying to have your way with me.” he laughed.

“You’re lying on top of me Eryk, but yeah you’re probably right.” I agreed knowing that if they found us like this, they’d blow it completely out of proportion. We both laughed before he pushed his lips against mines one last time before smiling and sitting up. I quickly followed suit. I couldn’t help the smile that had plastered itself on my face.

“I’ve wanted to kiss you like that for a while, but that’s not the only thing that’s long overdue. I was positive you would’ve punched me in a place that shouldn’t be punch if I approached you too soon. Then I started getting scared and needed to get you out of my mind so I picked up the guitar-”

“Eric! Spit it out!” I yelled laughing as I interrupted him. I couldn’t quite figure out why he was suddenly so nervous. I was still high from the kiss.

“Oh right sorry.” He laughed nervously before turning back to me and grabbing my hand once again intertwining our fingers together. I smiled at the simple gesture as I stared at our conjoined hands. I had been waiting eight years for this and I finally got some of it. The kiss and hand holding would just have to suffice for now. “I apologize about freshman year. I didn’t say it, but I didn’t stop it either. It was rude, disrespectful, wrong and just plain inappropriate.” Just like that I was brought back to reality. Why would he bring that up?

“No problem all is forgiven. It’s basically forgotten.” I said forcing a smile on my face. I watched as he sighed in relief. “All I ever wanted was an apology from you two anyways, so thank you.” He smiled as he pushed our foreheads together again.

“We’re back!” yelled Silver just as our lips were about to touch again. I was going to kill her for ruining the moment. Slowly I removed my hand from his as not to seem too eager to get away only to have him pull me back and plant his lips on mines. I wasted no time in responding. It didn’t last long, but it did get me going.

“We’ll talk more later?” I only nodded as he peck my lips one last time and headed out of the room. My cheeks were on fire and my lips were beginning to swell from the force of the kiss that was still running through my mind. Touching my fingers to my lips I tried to maintain focus as I went out to join my friends. I was still a little dazed as I took a seat between Silver and Steve.

“For my munchkin.” Said Steve breaking me out of my trance as he handed me a plate full of pepperoni pizza slices. I barely took notice that he had called me munchkin. Which I hated. I wasn’t even short they were just giants.

“Oh...um...thanks.” I stuttered as I grabbed the plate and began to nibble on the pizza. I couldn’t get my mind off that kiss. It was so unexpected it made my knees weak just thinking about it. I could still see the fireworks behind my closed eyes, feel the butterflies in my stomach and the soft texture of his hair beneath my fingers. I could still taste the mint on his breath and best of all feel the way his lips felt against mines. I sighed as I felt my cheeks begin to heat up all over again.

“Noel?” asked Silver from the side of me as she shook my shoulder. “Are you okay?”

“Yeah, I’m fine.” I smiled looking at her, which turned out to be a big mistake as she grinned maniacally at me.

“Oh baby, you’re better than fine.” She blurted and my eyes widen as Eric started to turn red in the face. I glared at him knowing he was just holding back a laugh, but that only made him redder.

“Silver what are you talking about?” I whined, but lucky me, my voice cracked.

“Don’t play games with me Noel. Swollen lips, blushing and you can’t seem to look me in the eye, never mind the raspberry over there, but I know. You know I know and now I’m going to get it confirmed from you. What happened while we were gone?” She smirked as she raised her eyebrow at me. Joe and Steve were looking back and forth between me and Eric with amusement in their eyes. Eric, however, was finding more pleasure in this than I would like and was seconds away from exploding into a fit of laughter.

“Nothing happened.” I said with a straight face as my treacherous cheeks began to heat up again. I rolled my eyes before once again glaring at Eric. He only shrugged his shoulders before giving me a not so subtle wink. Two can play this game.

“Noel...” Steve said sternly. Everyone was getting too much pleasure from my discomfort for my liking.

“Fine. I was going to take a nap after my shower. I was half way to dreamland when I felt someone lips. Thinking that I was just dreaming I went along with it. I had no idea it was real. He kissed me without my consent.” I pouted.

“Are you admitting that you dream about me?” asked Eric and I swear I turned the color of a pomegranate.

“I-I didn’t sa-say that. You’re putting words in my mouth.” I stuttered. How had this back fired so quickly?

“I was the only one here with you, and you knew that. If you were asleep and felt someone lips against yours I’m pretty sure you would’ve woke up and screamed or something. You didn’t though. Therefore, if said situation happened you knew it was me, but you thought it was a dream. Hence coming to the conclusion that you admittedly dream about me and you wanted me to kiss you.” My mouth dropped as I stared at him in disbelief as everyone else laughed. How the hell did he do that? I groaned as I stood up pulling on a pair of Steve’s sweats and headed out the room and towards the elevators. He was definitely good, I’ll give him that.I was quick to get to the elevators, but not quick enough. Just as the doors were about to close a hand stopped them. As they opened back up I was face to face with a smirking Eric.

“Looks like I’m the one doing the chasing now.” He joked and it took everything I had in me not to smile at him. He sighed as he joined me in the elevator and pressed the lobby button.

“Why did you leave?” he asked breaking the miniscule silence between us.

“Too much pressure.”

“For?” he asked expectantly. I sighed as I looked at the doors of the elevator. Were we even moving?

“To admit that...” I was cut off as the elevator came to an abrupt stop and all the lights went off before flickering back on. I could feel the tears coming to my eyes as my breathing became labored. I hated small spaces. I was stood frozen in one spot. Before long an ear shattering scream was flying from my mouth as I hit the elevator doors with as much strength as I could muster up. I couldn’t breathe as the tears cascaded down my face. I wasn’t having a panic attack, this was full fledge fear as flashbacks of being locked in a dark closet with no lights came rushing to me.

“Noel? Noel calm down.” Said a voice that I knew was close by but it sounded so far away. Someone else was in the closet with me, but that didn’t make me feel any better.

“Help me. Somebody help me. You have to get me out of here.” I cried dazed. I’ll go get help first and then come back to help the other person in here.

“Noel, I’m right here. You have to calm down.”

“He’s going to get me. He’s going to get me. I’m sorry. I won’t do it again, just let me out. Please let me out. Don’t do this.” I cried. The voice didn’t say anything else as a pair of hands wrapped around my arms. Oh no. I let out the loudest scream I could as I fought him. I couldn’t let him take me again. I’d rather stay in the dark closest than let him take me again.

“Noel! Noel stop. It’s me. It’s Eric.” The voice yelled nothing but concern coating his words and slowly everything came to place as what the other person said began to register in my head. I wasn’t in that closet, I was in an broken elevator and I was with Eric. More tears came down my face as I stared into his concern filled eyes. I knew I’ll have to tell him everything now. It was all too much. His beautiful blue-grey eyes were the last thing I saw before everything went black and i passed out.