Moving Mountains

I stood at the opening of the trailer as Noel yelled at Eric. Surprisingly she sounded like she was begging him for more than just a sudden confession. I felt bad for her. I knew what it was like to want someone and still feel like you weren’t allowed to have them. It was how we had been conditioned and it was something that we both hated. I sighed tired of spying on them as I turned and spotted Steve. Steve was the base guitarist of our band and the only guy who I truly felt understood me. He was talking to Joe our drummer. Joe was like the older overprotective brother we loved to hate having. The two still arguing on the bus was Eric our lead guitarist and background singer and Noel. Noel is my other half, best friend, a sister and also the lead singer. I sing also, but I’m the pianist of the band. Just as I was about to join the others, I spotted a crying Noel running over to me.

“Oh sweetie.” I cooed rubbing her back. I continued trying to calm her down by saying sweet nothings as Joe and Steve joined us looking confused. She went into details explaining to them what happened before the show. I knew before she even started that they weren't going to truly understand it.

“Noel, I’m sorry but I really don’t get it. Why did that make you cry?” Asked Steve. "I mean I understand wanting to know the answers, but why did you get so upset when you already know you won't get them?" There were so many things that I wanted to yell at him, but I had to refrain from doing so. I needed to remember that they didn’t know everything. Besides guys like him and Eric would never understand the dramatics they put girls like Noel and I through. It wasn’t fair to us. I could tell Noel was already growing tired of this situation as I tried to explain why the sudden confession bothered her so much without giving too much away. Still, they weren't really getting it, but I understood... they didn't have the whole story.

“Are you okay Noel?” I asked as we all sat down on the pavement beside the tour bus.

“Silver, I just want to know why. Why would he wait all of this time? Why would he even bother? Why now? Four fucking years Silver. He waited four years to tell me that he had a crush on me and that’s not including the four years we were in school together. Besides when the hell did he learn how to play the damn guitar?” Her last question caught me so off guard that I found myself laughing, but I knew that was just her way of trying to change the subject.

“I’m sorry.” I said trying to stop with no luck.

“No, it’s okay I want to know. What were you laughing at?”

“Well remember when they guys brought him here and all we heard was the guitar playing. We got so excited to meet him and when we saw that it was just Eric...the way your face fell was hilarious.” I laughed before the topic of conversation slowly became about the best kind of French fries. Suddenly Noel became quiet as she began staring off. I followed her line of vision until I landed on Eric. I rolled my eyes as I laughed. It was like we were back in high school all over again, but I have to admit, it had always been kind of cute to watch.

“I hate you bitch.” She muttered.

“I hate you too, ya slut.” I laughed some more.

“Fine with me.” She shrugged.

“Fuck off.” Again, her and Eric was staring at each other. I took my chance to glance over at Steve. He was having some kind of whispered conversation with Joe, and I’d be lying if I said that I didn’t wonder what it was about.

“Guys I’ll be right back.” Said Noel interrupting my thoughts. I watched as she headed over to Eric. They talked for a second before walking off. It was like the past hour or so never even happened, but it was for her to deal with. If she needed me, she knew I would come running. I would always come running.

I sighed as I stood up and went to go check myself into the hotel. I needed a minute alone to gather my thoughts. As I rode the elevator up to my room, I couldn’t stop the burn of the tears prickling the corners of my eyes. I loved Noel, but I was experiencing a jealous rage, and I wasn’t sure if Steve had picked up on it or not. At least Eric confessed something for her. At least he’s willing to put his pride to the side for the moment and admit some kind of feeling for her. Whereas I’m sitting here wondering if the person I care about feels the same or am I just some kind of conquest he can’t succeed with. Just as I was closing the door to my suite there’s a knock. I rolled my eyes already knowing who it is.

“What?” I snapped coming face to face with Steve. The last thing I wanted right now was too be face to face with the very person that had me hating myself right now.

“I thought you understood Silver.” He sighed.

“I really don’t want to talk about this again.”

“Silver.” He whined.

“Steve.” I mocked. I really wasn’t in the mood for this conversation, and he was only making things worse.

“Silver you can’t do this to me. We’re still friends at the end of the day.”

“I never said we weren’t.” I snapped. “I just want to be alone right now.”

“Come on Silver just talk to me.” He pleaded. "Please?"

“If I want to talk Steve I’ll talk to Noel whenever she gets back.” I spat and from the look on his face was growing impatient with me.

“Silver, I have a girlfriend!” He yelled. It was starting to sound like he had to remind himself of the fact he kept saying it.

“I’m very well aware of that Steve. Don’t get me wrong I like Sapphire. I could be friends with her in another world. Hell, we could’ve been friends now, but YOU ruined that for us. You just had to kiss me. Remember that, Steve? You kissed Me. For what? You weren’t drunk or anything, but you did it. I would’ve been okay if it was just some bland kiss that ended up meaning nothing, but it wasn’t. I felt something when we kissed Steve and now, I’m starting to think you’ve done this turn around ‘I have a girlfriend’ speech on me because I won’t put out. If that’s the case I’m sorry, but I’m just not ready to have sex. Not with you. Not with anybody and I shouldn't have to explain why. It should just be okay.” I took a deep breath trying to steady myself once more, but I was too upset to do so.

“It is okay, I promise." he sighed. "Look, I did feel something too Silver, but I still have a girlfriend.”

“You can change that though!” I yelled completely fed up with him and this conversation at this point.

“You can’t honestly expect me to leave her for no good reason Silver!” He yelled back. My mouth actually fell opened I was so shocked.

“No good- no good reason. So, I’m not a good enough reason now? Wow Steve.... Just wow.”

“That’s not what I meant Silver and you know it.”

“I don’t care! Damn it Steve I just don’t care anymore. If me not being ready for sex is enough of a letdown for you that you’re willing to keep stringing along someone you no longer want to be with then so be it.”

“Silver-!”

“Just get out! Leave Steve. I’d much rather be alone right now.” I sighed.

“Silver.” He sighed the look in his eyes not changing.

“Go call Sapphire or something. It’s clear who you’ve chosen.” I spat. From the look on his face I could tell that I was hurting him, but little did he know I was hurting myself also. In a couple of hours, we’d be just as pathetic as Eric and Noel pretending as if nothing ever happened and hurtful words were simply a thing of the past.

“Fine Silver. If you really want me to go, then I will.” I hesitated for a moment as I turned back around and ended up making eye contact. I could visibly see him inching his way closer to me, but I was frozen in my spot. I couldn’t move even if I wanted too. “At any point all you have to do is say go and I will.” He said wrapping his arms around my waist. Again, that one simple word got stuck in my throat. I felt like I couldn’t breathe. I wanted to step away from him, but I was rooted to the floor beneath me. All my panicked thoughts ceased the moment I felt his lips touch mine. Electricity flowed through me igniting the fireworks going off in my head as he pulled me closer allowing him to deepen the kiss even further.

As much as I wanted to just stand here and enjoy the moment, I couldn’t stop his words from replaying endlessly in my head. He had a girlfriend and that was something I’d never be for him. As much as it hurt it was the reality of the situation and all the courage that I needed to push him away. I would never be someone's chosen one and it was time I learned to accept it.

“I think you should go.” I said my voice barely an octave above a whisper.

“Silver I’m-”

“Just go.” I mumbled trying hard not to cry. He sighed but did as told. The moment the door closed I was on my knees in tears. I wanted to believe him. I wanted to believe he wanted me for more than just sex, but it just didn’t sound true to me. I could keep telling him I wasn’t ready, but he would never fully understand why until he knew the reasoning behind it. My choice was once ripped away from me already and I wasn’t going to let it happen again. I sighed as I sat on the couch and cried into my knees. I needed Noel right now, but I didn’t want to disturb her alone time with Eric. She’d waited a long time for this, and I wasn’t going to be the one to cut it short. At some point I ended up crying myself to sleep.

*** *** ***

I was awoken by the sound of someone basically pounding on the suite door. I was torn between being pissed at her because it was four in the morning and she didn’t have her key; or thankful because if I had stayed on the couch all night, I would’ve been sore. Still, it was four in the morning and her incessant knocking wouldn’t stop. Part of me was glad that I had been sleeping because I would've freaked out knowing that she wasn't here at four in the morning before remembering she was safe with Eric.

“I’m coming!” I yelled. “Stop knocking already!” Why the hell was she so impatient? If Eric kept her out this late, she knew we’d ramble on about it after we got some rest. Yet the knocking continued, and it was starting to give me a headache.

“Noel I-” my words jammed as I came face to face with a freaked out looking Steve. His shirt was disheveled, and he was sweating like he’d run a marathon. All of this was making me wonder even more what the hell going on and I was starting to panic. Pulling out my phone I noticed I had two text messages from Noel.

Noel: Omg Silver I’m having an awesome time with Eric. Can’t wait to tell you everything. He’s the savior I always thought he could be. Love you!

Noel: Oh, I’m probably going to be back later so don’t wait up. Night.

I breathed a sigh of relief as I pocketed my phone.

“Steve what’s going on?” I asked. “Why are you banging on the door? Is everything okay? Are Noel and Eric not back?”

“Look Silver I don’t want to argue or fight." He started like a man on the mission completely ignoring my panicked questions. "I just need to get a few things off of my chest, okay? I just ran into Noel. She was sitting by the lake, and she was crying. I thought she was hurt or something. In a way I was right. Talking to her opened my eyes to what you meant earlier. It’s not fair of me to have you questioning our situation or my relationship with Sapphire. I mean look at Noel. For her to claim to have had a wonderful time with Eric, yet she doesn’t have any of the answers she wanted. She keeps questioning herself and although I’ve never been a girl, I can imagine that’s not something you’d want to go through. Anyways I’m rambling now. I just came to say that I heard you. I honestly did. Yes, I felt something for you when we kissed Silver, of course I did. Right now, though I don’t think it’s best if we acted on those feelings. I mean think of the band. What if we had a bad breakup and things became awkward because of it? I’d have to leave. I don’t want to lose this friendship or this band, we’ve all been together too long for that to happen. Besides things are pretty good with Sapphire right now and I at least owe it to her to see how far we’d go. Anyways I’m going to go back to my room. Don’t worry about Noel she’s in the suite with us.” He said turning to leave.

“Steve wait.”

“Yeah.”

“That’s not fair. You can’t just say all of that and not give me a chance to respond. Besides the couches hurt and Noel’s bed is empty. You can stay here tonight. Don’t worry I’ll be locked away in my room and I won’t bother you.”

“Silver-” he sighed.

“It’s okay Steve, I understand. You love Sapphire and not me. Goodnight.” I said nothing else as I headed to my part of the suite. I’ve never been happier that the label put us in suites that resembled little apartments. Today it would make ignoring him that much easier. I've nearly felt more unwanted than I did right now.

*** *** ***

I woke up to the sound of Steve walking around. I groaned tossing the cover over my head. I was hoping he’d be gone by now. I still wasn’t quite over yesterday and last night made things worse. I wasn’t quite ready to play nice just yet. I wanted my time to sulk before pretending like this last past year never happened between us. However, like always luck never seemed to be on my side.

“Silver? Silver are you up?” Asked Steve while banging on my door.

“Yes!” I yelled annoyed. “I’m up already Steve now stop knocking on the door.”

“Oh sorry.” He laughed. “Well come on and get ready.”

“Why? Today is an off day. Let me sleep!” I whined.

“Today is a day for exploring. For adventure! Today we’re going out. So come on and get ready so we can go see if everyone else is up.” He sounded excited. It made my heart melt a bit. He was such a fun-loving person making me realize that getting over him was going to be easier said than done.

“Okay I’m up. Let me shower.” I yelled back.

Once I was showered and dressed, we headed over to the guy's room. To my surprise Noel and Eric were sitting together in the kitchen looking very comfortable with each other. It was barely two in the afternoon. I thought she’d still be sleep, but there she was eating her usual, 'just waking up’ donut in a wet t-shirt that was definitely Steve’s. I raised my eyebrow at her questioningly only for her to shrug me off. I sighed. She’d tell me whenever she was ready. Besides I had my own secrets that I was keeping from her.

“Anybody up for pizza?” Asked Joe seemingly coming out of nowhere.

“Who else is coming?” Asked Steve practically jumping up out of his seat in excitement. I shook my head laughing to myself. He really hated the hotel’s pizza.

“Not me.” Cut in Noel. “I’m going to take a shower. You guys can leave me here. I want pepperoni though!” I opened my mouth to decline also but was cut off by Eric.

“I still need to shower. You guys can go ahead. I’ll even keep Noel company.” He laughed nervously. I smiled. He was so cute wanting a bit of alone time with her that would actually be private.

“So Silver are you coming with us?” Asked Joe breaking me from my thoughts. This was definitely putting me in a terrible position. I wanted to be as far away from Steve as possible, but Eric looked so hopeful. Besides, if I declined altogether, they’d be suspicious, and I didn’t need or want that.

“I’m coming.” I sighed. Against my will I made eye contact with Steve who looked relieved as we closed the door behind us. I groaned internally. This was going to be a long car ride. I could already tell.

*** *** ***

The tension in the car was so thick you could cut it with a knife, as I expected. Joe grew so impatient with us he made Steve continue driving, got in the back and put on a pair of his noise cancelation headphones. Here was yet another opportunity to discuss things maturely, but I just wanted to keep to myself. I had nothing to say. There was nothing to say. I couldn’t explain to him why sex was such an issue for me despite the joking around. I had talked about it enough in my lifetime and now I just wanted to continue struggling to move on until I actually do. I felt my breathing grow heavy as flashes of the past was thrown at me. Each one feeling like a gut punch to my diaphragm.

“Silver? Silver are you okay?” Asked Steve literally shaking me from my thoughts. I paused taking a moment to recollect myself. I was so out of it that I hadn’t noticed that he’d pulled over to the side of the road. My hands were gripping the edge of the seat as if I was holding on for my life. My cheeks were wet with my tears as I tried to get my breaths even again. “Silver-”

“I’m alright Steve. Let’s just.... let’s just go.” I sighed.

“Silver-” he said stopping mid reach as I cringed away from him. He looked hurt, but he was mostly concern. I could see all the questions running wildly in his mind, but I had no way of answering them. This wasn’t supposed to have happened. There were no triggers this time. I was just thinking quietly to myself. I felt as a hand touched my shoulder and before I could stop it a scream was leaving me as I turned only to come face to face with Joe.

“Damn it, Joe! I forgot you were back there.” I stammered placing my hand over my chest. What was wrong with me today? I wasn’t nearly this jumpy on a regular basis. That was Noel.

“Are you okay?” He asked.

“I’m fine. Alright? I’m fine. Let’s just go already.” Neither of them said anything else, but it was clear they wouldn’t be letting it go so easily. I was embarrassed as we drove to the pizza parlor and back in complete silence. Once we were in the elevator Steve looked as if he wanted to say something, but Joe stopped him. I groaned.

“Don’t bother pestering Noel about this either. She doesn’t know everything about me.” I snapped throwing a pointed look at Steve. I knew that would shut him up for a while. After all he was the one that wanted no one to know about us. I pulled out my phone and noticed that I had gotten a text from Noel a while back.

Noel: Silver, I’m convinced he could be the one to right what was done wrong too us for me. Maybe he really is my savior. I hope he is.

I smiled not bothering to respond as we stepped off the elevator. I was truly happy for her.

“We’re back!” I yelled as we entered the suite. Noel and Eric was no where in sight. Even though I was happy for her I still thought the text was bit abrupt, but I didn’t know she meant this soon. As we sat down Eric came strolling towards us with a full-blown smile on his face. Was I wrong or had it happened while we were gone? I raised my eyebrows at Joe who was trying not to laugh. What the hell? Did he know something? Finally, Noel came strolling behind him looking all dazed and confused as I began to piece everything together. My eyes widen as she sat between Steve and I. Her lips were swollen. THEY WERE SWOLLEN! That’s what she meant! She’d given Eric her first real kiss. I was both excited for her and a little hurt that she hadn’t just told me. However, I hadn’t told her about Steve so I couldn’t be too hurt.

“Wow.” Whispered Joe as Steve shook his head laughing. I was still in shock as I looked between the two culprits. Noel’s mind was definitely elsewhere, and Eric couldn’t stop smiling even if he wanted too.

“For my munchkin.” Laughed Steve handing her a plate full of pepperoni pizza. She jumped a bit before taking it. I smiled sadly as Steve eyes focused back on me for a second too long. It was clear he was still curious about what happened in the car, but I still wasn’t ready to talk about it.

“Oh...um...thanks.” She stuttered and that was it. My mouth dropped. She hated that nickname, and I was glad she got Steve’s attention back on her. Usually, she’d be chasing him whenever he called her that by now, but she just sat there seemingly stunned. I couldn’t help the giggle that slipped past my lips. Pizza was her absolute favorite, and she was barely touching it.

“She must be relieving it.” Joked Joe as Noel began blushing. Damn Eric lips must be magical. She’s completely zoned out and don’t even hear us talking about her. Eric looked like he was seconds away from passing out he was trying so hard not to laugh. The fact that Noel was oblivious to all of this made the situation that much funnier.

“Noel?” I asked shaking her shoulder trying hard to maintain my composure. “Are you okay?”

“Yeah, I’m fine.” She smiled.

“Oh baby, you’re better than fine.” I laughed as her eyes widen. Immediately she directed her attention to Eric as if he was the one to reveal what happened.

“Silver what are you talking about?” she asked her voice cracking only making me smile harder.

“Don’t play games with me Noel. Swollen lips, blushing and you can’t seem to look me in the eye, never mind the raspberry over there, but I know. You know I know and now I’m going to get it confirmed from you. What happened while we were gone?”

“Nothing happened.” She lied her face turning red.

“Noel...” said Steve frowning.

“Fine. I was going to take a nap after my shower. I was halfway to dreamland when I felt someone lips. Thinking that I was just dreaming I went along with it. I had no idea it was real. He kissed me without my consent.” She pouted. I had to cover my mouth with my hand to keep from laughing. From the mischievous look in Eric eyes, she was going to regret saying that.

“Are you admitting that you dream about me?” He asked as I threw my head back and laughed. This was epic. The only one actually teasing her was Eric and she just kept making it worse. I was so happy to have Steve's attention off of me that I wasn't paying attention to how it was affecting her.

“I-I didn’t sa-say that. You’re putting words in my mouth.” She stuttered as I shook my head finally calming down.

“I was the only one here with you, and you knew that. If you were asleep and felt someone lips against yours I’m pretty sure you would’ve woke up and screamed or something. You didn’t though. Therefore, if said situation happened you knew it was me, but you thought it was a dream. Hence coming to the conclusion that you admittedly dream about me and you wanted me to kiss you.” For a moment she just sat there stunned before groaning and stomping out of the suite. I sighed shaking my head. We shouldn’t have been messing with her. I knew better.

“Eric she didn’t know we left you here with her.” I said remembering the text she sent me. No way would she be confident enough to text that with him right there.

“I know that. I thought she would’ve called me out on it.” He said confusion in his eyes.

“I’ll go get her.” I said standing up.

“No let me. I mean she left because of me. The least I could do is apologize.... again.” Before I could stop him he was already gone.

“Again?” Asked Steve and Joe simultaneously as I just sat back and smiled. Maybe letting him go after her alone wouldn’t be too bad of an idea after all.