Chapter 1
Sometimes I wonder if joining the AA would really be of benefit for me. I have been considering this idea for almost two years now. What stops me? As much as I recognise that drinking alone at home is a bit of a problem for me, I most certainly don't want to stop drinking during social events. Wouldn't that just be an admission to everyone who knows me that I have a problem? Drinking is so embedded in our culture these days. The second you say you don't drink it unleashes the myriad of questions and unwanted comments.
"Are you pregnant?"
"What's wrong?"
"You can have just one"
"Don't be boring"
I should know, since for years I was the one to throw them at people. Tables have turned.
Joining the AA would make me feel like a failure. I understand the bravery of admitting the issue, but also, that would be a final admission that I am unable to sort this on my own. Ultimate admission of lack of control. I can't handle that. I don't want to have to handle that.
In the last 10 days, at least once a day I would think of wine. I didn't give up. I pour Italian Soda in a wine glass in the evenings to keep an illusion of drinking. Perhaps it's not healthy either, but I feel it helps me. I made it to day 10 for fucks sake! I read that quitting alcohol should improve your sleep, but so far my sleep is awful. I keep stay up late, wide awake. A glass of wine would make me sleepy in no time. Tesco is opened till 11pm. Chardonnay is 2 minutes away. So tempting. I resist though. I don't want to dissapoint myself again. The sacrifice will pay off.
It is actually already paying off in the way. I have lost 3lbs. Controlling what I eat has become easier. No more cravings.. Well, not for food anyway. The house is spotless. I keep dusting and cleaning the shit out of it almost every day. I am not sure if it is because I have all this extra energy, or am I just subconsciously trying to keep my mind off booze?
Today I felt tired after two late nights of work. I thought I will have a treat since my diet improved so much over the last 10 days. A bag of sweet chilli Sensations crisps sounded like a great idea. As soon as I finished the 700 calories of saturated fat I felt the urge for more "treats". Crisps go so well with wine. The crispy taste of Chardonnay would get rid of the saltiness my mouth is filled with after Sensations. It's almost 5pm and I have done so well for the last 10 days. I feel the urge and anxiety and I know that the answer is just 2 minutes away, chilling in the fridge at Tesco Express. Just one glass after whole week of work is not a sin? But I have to be honest with myself. It wouldn't be just a one glass. It would be a whole bottle probably followed by doner kebab delivery at 10pm. I would start reminiscing on how awful my life is, because few randos in Instagram are traveling the world or have better body than mine. I would watch some grand gesture in a TV show and start picking on my husband because he is just so unromantic. Typical post-wine breakdown.
But what if it's actually not like that this time? Perhaps I can show how much control I hold by indeed only having a one glass? I could just buy one of those small 175ml bottles. They are not very economical though, buying a big bottle is much cheaper. Oh decisions, decisions..
It is 6pm and I poured myself a glass of blood orange Italian Soda hoping it will suffice for the rest of the evening.
