Damaged

Cien woke up with a start. He immediately felt for the other person beside him but his roving hand only encountered the cold, rumpled sheets. He got up fast, ignoring the sheets tangling around his nakedness, and shot out of bed. He immediately searched the condo for that person who should have been still sleeping next to him. He knew that Win had a rough day after that major quarrel with Jones over staying with Nuclear Fall-out, their pop-rock band. He should still be resting but now he is gone, after everything that has happened between him and Cien last night.

A couple of minutes of futile searching proved Cien’s greatest fear; Win is gone. But where did he go? Would Win dare come back to Jones after sleeping with him? Cien thought in frustration. He entered the bathroom and saw that the tiles were still wet. Win must have taken a thorough bath before leaving to remove all the traces of what happened between them last night. Cien berated himself inwardly for being a heavy sleeper. He shouldn’t have let Win go. But he could not hold Win against his will. He loved the man too much to get in the way of his happiness. And if going back to Jones would make Win happy, then why should Cien get in the way? Cien opened the shower and drowned his tears under the steady stream of tepid water.

What happened between them was just a mistake. He was Win’s mistake and Win remains to be his weakness.

Win got out of the cab nervously. He smoothed his still-damp hair back from his forehead and remained standing on the pavement, debating on whether to ring the bell or use his key. He glanced at his wristwatch. Jones must have gone to work by now. Win thought before fishing for his key in his sling bag. He was about to insert the key into the key slot when the door suddenly opened to reveal Jones, eyes puffy from lack of sleep, wearing just a terry bathrobe tied around the waist. He looked both surprised and relieved as he quickly pulled Win inside the house before pulling the latter close into a crushing hug.

“I was so worried about you! I have been calling you since I got home from my shift last night.” Jones whispered hoarsely into his ears but Win still felt numb. He is still hurt by Jones’s harsh words during the band’s practice. He was also angry at the fact that Jones humiliated him in front of their bandmates just because Win does not want to leave the band just to appease Jones’s fragile ego.

“Battery got drained. I forgot to charge my phone.” Win mumbled against Jones’s shoulder and Win instinctively braced himself for the scolding that was sure to follow. When Jones did not say anything, Win’s chest thumped hard in fear. Did Jones know? Can he tell? Win took great pains in scrubbing himself clean before leaving Cien’s condo. He was thankful that Cien was sensible enough to use a condom or things would have been a lot harder to clean. Win was pulled back from his reverie when Jones gently rubbed circles on his back.

“I’m really sorry, babe. I shouldn’t have done that. I shouldn’t have shouted at you in front of our bandmates. I guess I was just so jealous of Cien.” Win flinched at the mention of the name and he pulled back to look at Jones’s face. He didn’t see any malice or sarcasm in them, just plain regret. Guilt punched him hard in the gut at the look of concern on Jones’s face.

“Why would you be jealous of Lucien?” Win forced himself to sound unaffected even if his heart is hammering hard against his chest. If guilt is poison, Win would have dropped dead on the spot.

“Well, he is so popular. He can practically have everyone he wants. And I heard Mike and Gerry tease Cien that he looks good with you.” Win clenched his jaw at that. Seeing how clueless Jones is about what happened last night further magnified his self-reproach. Jones was right to be jealous, I should not be trusted because I am a slut. I did the very thing that he warned me about. Win thought to himself before hugging Jones back.

“Well, you are my boyfriend and not him so you don’t need to worry about that,” Win said with assumed sincerity. His conscience is bugging him right now. He wanted to come clean to Jones but he was afraid to break whatever good mood Jones was in right now. It’s unusual for his lover to be understanding and open to him. Win figured that it was jealousy talking all those times and thought that maybe he should do some sacrifice of his own to somehow atone for his sins.

“About the band—“, Jones gently led Win into the couch and as they sat side by side, Jones exhaled harshly before continuing his sentence. “I decided to let you stay with the band.” Win’s heart almost dropped to the floor and he was quick to reply with a straight face despite the uneasiness building up inside him.

“No, you were right, Jones. I should leave the band. It would be hard if both of us will still be involved in the band’s activities full-time. Since you are about to graduate in a couple of months, I figured that I should focus on finding a part-time job to help with our expenses, “ Win said with a determined look on his handsome face.

“No, Win. I don’t want to hold you back from what you enjoy doing. We can manage.” Jones is already working shifts in a 24-hour diner aside from the money they earn during gigs. Win had just been cut off by his family when they learned that he decided to drop out of school so he could focus on their band and move in with Jones. Without his parent’s support, Win wouldn’t be able to pay for his school expenses with the irregular money he earns from their band gigs. Win didn’t warn to burden Jones more after everything his boyfriend has done for the both of them.

“I insist. Besides, I’m getting tired of wracking my brains to be able to write fresh new songs. And I would need to be with Cien a lot when we brainstorm for the new songs. I don’t want to make you feel uncomfortable again.” Winston lied through his teeth. He liked writing songs, he liked brainstorming with Lucien to give the songs a fitting melody. But Win knew that after what happened, Cien would be demanding an explanation. It would be better to avoid the other man completely since being with him always leads Win to question his decision of choosing Jones as his lover just because he couldn’t be sure of Lucien’s feelings for him at the time.

“Are you sure, babe? I don’t want you to regret anything.” Win smiled bitterly. Jones had no idea how much Win is regretting his cowardice before. If only he dared to confess to Lucien instead of just waiting for someone to hit on him then he wouldn’t be in this mess. Win has always masked his low self-esteem with a false sense of bravado and recklessness. But this time, he realized that he really bit off more than he could chew.

Win put on his sweetest smile for Jones. “Of course, babe. I won’t regret a thing.” And as Jones pulled Win closer for a kiss, Winston closed his eyes and saw a different set of Bambi eyes and cupid bow lips pressed against his own.

A few months later…

“Get up, Win! You lazy slowpoke!” Win felt damp hands yank at his feet which were sticking out from under the covers. Win groaned and covered his eyes with the back of his hand to shield them from the harsh natural light flooding the room through the newly-opened curtains. He was able to make out Jones’s form, clad only in a towel wrapped around his waist as he hovered over Win.

“What the fuck, Jones!” Win blurted out in annoyance and was rewarded with strong hands grasping a handful of his hair and yanking his head up, exposing his long smooth neck littered with reddish marks. Win gasped at the sudden onset of pain as he stumbled into full consciousness.

“How dare you answer back like that!” Jones hissed in anger while bringing his face close to Win by grabbing Win by his hair and yanking his face closer. Win let out a pitiful whine at the pain that radiated from his scalp and his lower extremities. He tried to voice out a plea but his voice came out sounding like a pathetic whimper.

“My body is still sore.” Win bemoaned and Jones let out a huff of annoyance before letting go of Win’s hair causing the latter’s head to fall back against the pillow. Win ran a hand through his hair, gently massaging his abused scalp. Recently, Jones has been pulling at his hair a lot even for the most mundane of reasons and most frequently during sex. His lover’s sadistic kinks in the bed have been surfacing a lot recently leaving Winston battered and bruised afterward and sore until the next day.

“I don’t care. I have a gig later so I need to be there early. You know how Lucien hates it when people are late for practice.” At the mention of Cien’s name, Win’s heartbeat easily raced and he tried to haul himself out of bed. Jones continued pacing back and forth in the room, collecting items and stuffing them carelessly in a small duffel bag. The wheels in Win’s head are turning as he watched Jones go about aimlessly. Maybe Lucien can help me. I actually owe him a lot of explanation after bolting out on him like that and cutting off all forms of communication.

“Can I go with you to practice?” Win tried with some effort to sit up and winced at the pain from his abused bottom. Jones had been relentless in pounding into him last night, uncaring even if Win was already crying in pain. Knowing that he is hurting his lover seemed to be an added turn-on for Jones who seemed to relish in the power and control he holds over Winston. Win has started to detest the man he used to trust with his own life before. But no amount of hate could surpass the disgust that Win felt about himself.

“No.” Jones’s answer was flat and emotionless but with finality. Win knew that it would be useless to argue with Jones whenever he is dead set on something but he still decided to give it a go. But would Cien even give me the time of day after I ghosted him for months? And how would I even find the opportunity to talk with Cien when Jones watches my every move? Win’s head was playing out scenarios before mumbling a feeble response to Jones’s outright rejection of his plea.

“But I miss the guys too.” It was a half-truth because Win truly missed his bandmates with whom he hasn’t had communication since he decided to leave the band. But the underlying truth is that Jones had tampered with Win’s phone and blocked all the numbers of their former bandmates. Win was furious at first but eventually relented when he remembered that he is still keeping a terrible secret from his lover.

“We have replaced you already. It wasn’t even hard to replace you.” The words stung and Win reeled from the impact. It further reminded him that he was not special at all, that he is not indispensable. It’s a thought that has hounded him all throughout his childhood and low self-esteem has always been his major obstacle in reaching new heights in life. Coming from Jones who is supposed to be someone who values Winston more than the others, the words were knives that cut deeper than intended.

“I’m not saying I want to join the band again. I’m just saying that I miss our friends. I haven’t talked to Mike and Gerry for a while.” Win deliberately did not mention Lucien in fear of stirring up old animosities between them. Lucien has always been a sore spot in their relationship. For Jones, Cien was that rival who he never could defeat in any field that he held the man in both high esteem and contempt. For Win, Cien would always be the reminder that cowardice would not get you anywhere in life and may even lead you to make wrong decisions based on unfounded assumptions.

“If you’re thinking about seducing Lucien, don’t waste your time. He is busy and has no time for the likes of you. Men and women would literally fall all over him, why would he want someone like you?” Jones scathingly remarked and Winston flinched at the implication of those words.

“Why would you say that? What are you implying?” Win asked in genuine confusion. What is Jones getting at? Why did Cien get dragged again into the conversation? He watched as Jones shed the towel to put on black briefs as his nakedness seemed to taunt Win. His lover’s naked body was only able to stir up feelings of disgust and resentment from Win as he was reminded of how that body abused him on an almost daily basis, both physically and sexually.

“Come on, Win. I know you have liked Cien for a long time now. I saw the way you looked at him whenever you two are writing songs. I’m not blind, you know.” Win paled at that statement as Jones continued to get dressed. He pulled on a pair of faded rip jeans and casually reached for one of Win’s favorite shirts when he used to practice with the band. Jones always liked wearing Win’s shirts whenever he attends band practice and Win just realized that this might be his way to spite Cien indirectly, rubbing into his face that Win belongs to him and only him.

“Then why were you so persistent in courting me if you knew that I liked Lucien?” Win asked Jones in an irritated tone. He did not like where this conversation was heading to.

“I was just trying to see if you would wait for him to confess or go for someone who has an apparent liking for you. You never struck me as the kind who would be brave enough to confess to someone like Lucien.” Win’s heart sank. All the remaining self-worthiness he still possessed seemed to drain out of him. And he thought that Jones really liked him before and just became abusive because of his own shortcomings.

“So, I was just a trophy to be won?” Win said in a broken whisper laced with indignation.

“Don’t flatter yourself too much, Winston. We did not fight over you because you handed yourself to me on a silver platter. I didn’t even have to put too much effort into courting you.” Tears stung the back of Win’s eyes. Never had he felt so dirty and useless as much as in that moment.

“I thought you really liked me, Jones. Was all of that a ploy to lure me into your life?” Win said in a cracking voice, near tears. Jones scoffed at the sight of Win still bundled up in the bed, with disheveled hair, still naked, and smooth skin littered with purplish and reddish marks.

“Don’t play the victim here. You just accepted me because I showed my clear intentions toward you. You needed to feel important, Winston. Because that is how touch-starved you are.” Jones laughed at his own words while tears slowly slid down Win’s smooth cheeks.

“How can you think so lowly of me but still keep me caged here like an animal?” Win seethed with fury. He remembered the times that Jones would lock him up inside the bedroom to starve him whenever they got into one of those big fights. And he couldn’t call for help because Jones has erased all the important numbers in his phone contacts. He was lost in his thoughts that he did not notice Jones come closer to him and grabbed him by the hair again. Win yelped in pain as Jones pulled him closer to his own face so that Win can smell the aftershave that Jones used earlier. Jones looked at Win’s eyes menacingly before whispering against Win’s bruised lips.

“Because you are my bitch. You are mine, only mine.” Winston shuddered in fear as Jones ran a finger down Win’s smooth throat before clamping on his neck with his calloused hand. Win tried to reason out to Jones in a pleading voice. Jones always liked it when Win begs him for something and Win tried to use his lover’s sadistic kink to his advantage.

“Please, Jones. Let me go. I promise I won’t tell anybody about what you did to me. No one will ever know.” Jones looked at Win’s face in disdain before abruptly releasing his neck and hair causing Win to drop like a rag doll on top of the sheets.

“Of course, you wouldn’t tell anybody, Winston. You wouldn’t want the world to know how disgusting and pathetic your life is right now.” Jones then stood up and looked at Win who was holding his neck with both hands protectively. He looked at his wristwatch and grimaced in disdain. “I can’t wait for you lazy ass to cook me breakfast so I will just grab a bite on the way. I can’t keep on riling the high and mighty Lucien Estrella or I might get kicked out of the band too like a certain Winston Victorio.” Jones laughed heartily at his own joke while Win mumbled something under his breath when Jones turned his back on him to leave the bedroom.

Win plopped back on the bed, defeated and drained. He couldn’t shed a tear anymore because of how empty he felt. What did I get myself into? How can I escape this hellhole? Win remained in that position for several minutes before his phone rang, the sound shattering the suffocating silence in the room.

Thinking that Jones forgot to mention something to Win, Win lethargically stretched his body across the bed to reach for his cell phone. As he saw an unregistered number displayed on the screen, his heart pounded erratically. Who could it be? He immediately pressed the answer button and held the gadget to his ears without speaking. He waited with bated breath as the call commenced.

“Hello, Win?” It was a female’s voice. Win furrowed his eyebrows as he tried to recognize the voice on the other end of the call. He can’t remember any female friend who has his number. It wasn’t one of his sisters too. And they are too angry to ever initiate contact with their prodigal brother.

“Speaking. Who is this?” There was a squeal of excitement on the other end and Win deduced that many people are listening in on this call. “What do you want from me?” He quickly added while assuming a stern tone just in case this was a prank call.

“Don’t you remember me? It’s Lilia. Gerry gave me your most recent number and I just tried if it will work with my phone since nobody can contact you anymore.” Win smiled to himself. It felt good to hear familiar voices other than Jones’s.

“Oh, Lilia, It’s nice to hear your voice again.” Win tried to keep his voice from cracking but he felt too overwhelmed with emotion considering what had transpired earlier with Jones.

“Glad to hear your voice again, too. Uhm, Win, can we meet?” Warning bells sounded at the back of Win’s mind and the first thought that came to mind was Jones. Jones wouldn’t allow me to meet with anybody. But his other side was nagging him to accept the invitation. Stop being a coward, Winston. Look at what playing safe has brought you. Win took a deep breath before answering Lilia’s question.

“Tell me where and I will text you the date and time. I have to do a rain check first.” Win said with more bravado than he actually felt. It is time to start fighting for what he truly deserved. He finally got up from the bed and walked towards the bathroom determinedly for the first time in many weeks. He forcefully pushed the door, eager to rid himself of all the filth he felt accumulated from his body until deep into his soul.

Winston gingerly pushed the double glass doors forward then looked around the café apprehensively before going straight to where Lilia is seated. Despite the humid weather, Win was wearing a light grey cotton hoodie with long sleeves, and at his best friend’s questioning look, Win answered with a small smile that did not even reach his eyes. As he took his seat opposite the young lady, Lilia slid a still-warm mug of hot chocolate towards him, and Win graciously cupped the mug with both his hands, inhaling the sweet aroma. Then he felt Lilia’s eyes on him and he smiled sheepishly. Lilia reached out and placed a hand over Win’s own that are still clutched protectively around his mug.

“Why do you have to endure this, Win?” Win did not look at Lilia but instead looked at the steaming mug in front of him. When he finally met Lilia’s eyes, there was a distant look in his eyes.

“I have nowhere left to go, Lilia. My family threw me out a long time ago when I quit school and moved in with Jones.” Winston took a tentative sip from his mug after blowing at the surface of the steaming liquid. Lilia cocked her head to the side with a disapproving look.

“You did not need to quit school at that time, Win. You did not have to give up everything for Jones.” Win sipped his drink silently, feeling the bittersweet liquid tease his tongue before sliding smoothly down his throat.

“But I did,” Win said simply before continuing to sip on his drink. Lilia shook her head in dismay and cradled her face with both her hands while her elbows are resting on the surface of the table.

“You were doing well back then, you were your own person. You used to be a member of the band and not just a babysitter who waited for your ward to finish practicing.” Win looked at Lilia’s pretty face and couldn’t reconcile that face to the harsh words that those pretty lips are spewing right now. Win inhaled deeply before speaking in a slow yet unsure manner.

“Jones was working at the time and he was also studying while playing with the band. Someone has to make the sacrifice to keep things in order, Lilia.” Even now those words tasted synthetic in Win’s mouth and he fought the urge to gag. When did I start to believe those lies that I have been feeding myself? Just to atone for that one mistake, I gave in to all of Jones’s wishes and where did it lead me? Winston, stop being a coward just this once! Win berated himself inwardly.

“But why did it have to be you?” Lilia looked at Win straight in the eye and Win had to look away. He knew that Lilia can see right through those lies. As one of his closest friends since Senior High School, Lilia knew him too well to miss the tell-tale signs. Win chose to spew the rehashed statement that even his mind refuses to believe.

“Because I wanted to. I did not want to force Jones to sacrifice his dreams for me. He was just preparing for our future.” Lilia rolled her eyes at that and Win felt like puking out the hot chocolate he just drank because of self-disgust. Really, Winston? After everything that Jones has done to you, you are still holding on to that shit? Win thought inwardly and was not prepared when Lilia asked another question.

“Do you still see yourself staying with Jones for the next couple of years, Win?” It took Win almost a minute to come up with a vague answer.

“Why not?” Lilia leaned back and crossed her arms against her chest before regarding Win in a scrutinizing manner. Win almost shirked at the pointed appraisal of his appearance but he knew that Lilia was being hostile to him for a reason. His friend rarely frowned but at that moment, anger is definitely written on her usually soft features.

“Look at you now. Wearing a sweater in hot weather like this. What are you trying to hide Win?” Win discretely pulled his sleeves further to cover the fresh bruises on his wrist. Jones had been angry again last night because Lucien was being hard on him during their practice. He blamed it all on Win. He blamed Win for everything, even his own shortcomings.

“Nothing,” Winston mumbled before taking another sip from his now tepid chocolate, the bittersweet thickness disgustingly coating his tongue. Win took a swig from a tall glass of water near Lilia who had just finished whatever pastry was placed in the now-empty saucer before her.

Lilia shook his head in pity then secretly slipped a slim box towards Win while looking nonchalant about it. At Win’s questioning stare, Lilia smiled innocently.

“It’s from all of us. An advanced birthday gift, should I say.” Lilia whispered conspiratorily and Win was evidently confused.

“What is this?” Lilia smiled again in that child-like innocence that has sent many hearts a flutter before. Except for Win who only had eyes for Lucien at that time.

“A lifeline.” Win furrowed his brows and pouted unknowingly but ended up shrugging his shoulders nonchalantly.

Win quickly slid the small box into the pocket of his hoodie, contemplating what could be inside that might equate to a lifeline. He spent the whole hour talking to Lilia about a lot of things, catching up on the latest gossip about their common friends, and secretly wishing that he can still go back and finish his course.

“Lilia, do you think I can still catch up?” Win said in between chewing a piece of deliciously made macaroon. It’s been a while since he has treated himself to sweets because they always have to watch their expenses. Jones is extra strict when it comes to finances which is understandable because he has spent his life crunching numbers as an accounting student. He was lucky enough to immediately land a job in a private accounting firm upon graduation.

“What do you mean?” Lilia said while holding a piece of macaroon propped next to her mouth. She bit at the sweet treat after speaking.

“I want to go back to studying but I don’t know if Jones would approve.” Lilia almost choked so she immediately drank from the tall glass of water near her. After clearing her throat, she said simply.

“And if he doesn’t?” She asked in a nervous tone.

“Then I have no choice but to be miserable for the rest of my life. It’s different when you have a degree, you know?” Win was surprised when Lilia reached out and placed her hand over one of Win’s hands lying atop the table.

“Of course it is, and it’s not too late yet. I can help you prepare the requirements for re-admission.” Lilia said excitedly and Win immediately felt a rush of exhilaration surge through him at the thought.

“Really? But what if Jones disapproves?” Lilia rolled her eyes adorably and Win cannot hold back a smile. He was not aware of how he answered and was a little surprised when Lilia reacted like that.

“Win, this is your future we are talking about. If Jones really loves you, he would understand why you need to have a degree. Are you resigned to being dependent on him for the rest of your life?” Win went back to autopilot mode at that and he got ready to spew out the rehashed lines that he had been telling himself all these years.

“Jones has sacrificed a lot for the two of us, he worked while he studied so that we can get by.” Lilia tutted at the words that sounded so connived even in Win’s mouth. She just shifted in her seat before leaning close to whisper to Win.

“Speaking of that, I talked to your mother.” Win was caught off guard by the information and he almost fell from his seat if he wasn’t able to compose himself quickly before muttering an exaggerated reaction.

“You what?” Lilia just smoothed her hair back like what she said was not earth-shattering for Win. Then she leaned forward again before speaking.

“Have you been receiving the money that she is sending you every month?” Win’s chinky eyes blew wide open with genuine surprise. What is Lilia talking about? Is this some kind of a sick joke?

“What money?” Win asked, evidently shaken by the implication of the new information. Lilia straightened up in her seat then placed an elbow on top of the table and held her face up with her palm.

“She said that she can’t go against your father’s wishes since he really can’t accept a gay son as of now but she is so worried about you that she contacted Jones so that she—“ a shrill ringing interrupted Lilia’s words as Win jumped at the sound. With shaking hands, he fetched a cell phone from his clutch bag and gingerly lifted it to his ear. He then winced at the loud voice from the other line.

“Where are you?” Jones sounded drunk and furious. Win inwardly shivered with terror at the thought of seeing Jones in that state. He shot a look at Lilia who thankfully looked away to give Win a bit of privacy to talk with his lover on the phone. Win started to speak in a low and polite tone.

“I just went out for a bit and—“ A snarl from Jones immediately cut off Win’s words.

“Do you know what time it is?” Win pulled his sleeves up carelessly to look at his watch, inadvertently exposing the purplish bruises on his wrist partly covered by the wristwatch. He shot an alarmed look at Lilia who was looking at his wrists intently but said nothing and just looked away anew.

“I’m sorry I lost track of time.” Win felt the panic building in his chest. I shouldn’t have gone out today if I only knew that Jones would be coming home early. What if he locks me up again?

“Get home. Now!” Jones’s words are a bit slurred but still evidently angry. Win stuttered a reply that he thought might appease Jones a bit.

“Oh, okay, see you later.” Win was trembling as he ended the call and it did not escape Lilia’s eyes. She laid a gentle hand on Win’s still trembling hand, her face full of empathy for the other.

“We can help you. But you need to help yourself first.” Win was trying hard to calm himself down but he can’t stop himself from trembling with fear. He was able to voice out a single word

“How?” Lilia smiled charmingly before answering.

“Use the lifeline. Remember, you have to be firm about it or everything would be useless.” Win knotted his brows together in bewilderment. Why is Lilia speaking so cryptically today?

“What do you mean?” At the question, Lilia’s face suddenly turned serious before speaking in a firm tone that left no room for misinterpretation.

“Leave him. Report him to the authorities. He is destroying you, Winston.” Win’s breath hitched at the direct words coming from a gentle soul like Lilia. Win stuttered as he shifted to his autopilot mode, unwilling to let his true emotions surface.

“No, it’s my fault, really. I shouldn’t have stayed out too long. I did not consider that he would be coming home to an empty house. He must be really tired and hungry.” Lilia just brushed aside his robotic declarations before going back to her intended topic.

“Anyway, you need to ask him about the financial support.” Again, Win was flummoxed with the new information. His tone slightly went higher in his utter amazement.

“The what?” Lilia pressed her lips together and widened her eyes at Win as if pushing him to reveal something but since Win doesn’t really know anything about what Lilia was referring to, she just shrugged her shoulders before continuing.

“The money that your mother is sending him every month. Didn’t Jones tell you about that?” Win’s spirit fell with a crash. So that is how we managed to scrape through quite comfortably even if Jones always insisted that we are short on money. Things are starting to come together now and Win felt his chest constrict with conflicting emotions.

“No, he never mentioned it.” Win simply said, unwilling to divulge more as he tried to sort his feelings through.

Lilia sighed in frustration. “Win, I know it won’t be easy but please. Jones is not good for you. You deserve someone who will really love and support you each step of the way.” Win felt a lump at the back of his throat as he forced the next words out of his mouth.

“Jones loves me.” The words sounded so fake even in his own ears and Win had to hold himself together so he would not start bawling pitifully in front of his friend. Lilia’s expression softened with empathy and gently rubbed the top of Win’s hand with her thumb before speaking in a hushed tone.

“Don’t come home to him anymore.” Win was taken aback by the direct words. Lilia has always been the diplomatic and nurturing type but she is not one to mince words either.

“What?” Win asked in puzzlement and Lilia furrowed her brows in a show of concern before speaking.

“I’m scared for you. You need to get away from Jones.” Win’s heartbeat started to race at the prospect of escaping Jones and the hellhole that he is currently in but he knew that it wouldn’t be easy at all. He voiced his concern to Lilia.

“Where would I go? Jones knows all of my friends. I do not want to burden anyone of you.” Lilia arched her brow knowingly before speaking with an unmistakable gleam in her eyes.

“I know someone that even Jones wouldn’t dare cross.” Win’s breath hitched at the implication of her tone. He can’t deny that the thought certainly crossed his mind several times before but he did not want to get his hopes up unnecessarily.

“No, I can’t.” It was all that Win could say at the moment. He is getting overwhelmed with all the information and options running through his head.

“Why?” Lilia asked simply, wondering if she and Win are talking about the same person. Win gently shook his head.

“He can’t see me like this. Jones’ pride would never live it down.” Win was surprised when Lilia forcefully slammed an open palm into the top of the table, jolting his thoughts into further disarray.

“Stop thinking about Jones, he never thought of you in the first place when he uprooted you from everything that you valued, everything that you loved,” Lilia said emphatically and Win can only mumble a short retort.

“I can’t.” Lilia was about to speak but another familiar voice sounded from the way of the café’s door.

“Why can’t you, Win? Don’t you trust me too?”

Win and Lilia both whipped their heads back at the source of the voice. Win felt his blood run cold at the familiar sight of the tall, broad-shouldered handsome man that is purposefully striding toward them. Conflicting feelings started to stir in the core of Win’s gut and all he could do was mutter a single word as the newcomer stood in front of him now, eyeing Win with fire in those hauntingly beautiful eyes.

“Lucien.” Win breathed out that single word like an answered prayer.

Lucien nodded to Lilia who made a space beside her for Lucien and the others to sit on. Mike and Gerry came with Cien and all of them made themselves comfortable around the small table. Win suddenly felt overwhelmed with everything and everyone that he started wheezing harshly. Lucien was the first to notice Win’s unusual reaction so he casually put an arm around Win and whispered in his ear.

“Relax, breathe.”

Winston closed his eyes and felt a strong warm hand squeeze his own as he tried to slow down his intake of air and breathe out gently through his mouth. Lucien ran his hand across Win’s back reassuringly, firm yet gentle and Win felt safe in that little space for the time being. Lucien continued to whisper reassuring words to Win while gently stroking his back and hand simultaneously with both his hands.

“We’re here. We’re all here for you. No one’s gonna harm you.” Lucien repeated the words like a mantra and Win felt tears prick at the back of his eyes. His emotions are in turmoil and it is close to overflowing now.

“Lucien.” Win was trying very hard not to break down into tears, everything is just too much for him to take right now but Cien kept him grounded in reality with his reassuring touch and calming words.

“Shhh, slowly breathe in….then slowly exhale…that’s right.” Win grasped Cien’s hand that was still squeezing his other hand and looked at the other man’s face now close to his own. I missed staring into those eyes. I can forget the world when I am looking into those hauntingly beautiful eyes. Win thought but decided to ask a different question.

“How do you know about this?” Win asked and Lucien just pouted before shrugging his shoulders nonchalantly.

“I’m a Psychology major remember? And I know a panic attack when I see one.” Lucien smiled at Win gently and Win felt his heart flutter in response. He just shook his head to remind himself of the issue on hand. Focus on what he is saying, Winston. Not at him. Win gently reprimanded himself before speaking in a shaky voice.

“But this has never happened before,” Win mumbled and Lucien smiled warmly at that and spoke in a tone that is usually used when speaking to little kids but not in a patronizing manner.

“Because you rarely interact with other people nowadays, Win. Of course, you would feel overwhelmed.” Cien explained in a patient and reassuring tone.

Win felt the natural rhythm of his breathing gradually return. The constricting pain in his chest also gradually dissipated. He looked around and saw the worried faces of Mike, Gerry, and Lilia who are still seated around the table. Only Lucien was near enough to hold him because he almost fell from his chair when the attack hit him.

“Thank you, Lucien. Thanks to all of you.” Win looked around at the worried faces of his former bandmates and friends. Mike smiled at him before speaking in a reassuring tone,

“We are your friends, Win. We want to help you.” Then Gerry interjected immediately, his shoulders resting fondly against Lilia who was dwarfed by her taller boyfriend.

“But we can only do that if you choose to help yourself.” Win narrowed her eyes in puzzlement.

“What do you mean?” This time it was Lilia who spoke up again in a firm yet gentle voice.

“Win, you have to leave Jones.” Win lowered his head to avoid looking anyone in the eye. He can feel everyone’s piercing gaze on him especially from Lucien. Without lifting his head up, he answered in a defeated tone.

“How can I? After everything he has sacrificed so that we can be together?”

Lucien grabbed Win’s arm and harshly pulled up the sleeves of Win’s hoodie up to his shoulder. Several fresh purplish bruises dotted the usually smooth skin of Win’s arm.

“Has he been hurting you?” Win frantically pulled down the sleeves of his hoodie to cover his bruises but not after everybody saw them. Win’s voice took on a defensive tone when he spoke.

“He only does it when I do something wrong. I can’t blame him, though. I can’t do the simplest chore right so he ends up doing more after coming home from work.” Win bowed his head in shame then Mike spoke in a chiding manner.

“Listen to you, Win. When did you become like this? You never tolerated injustice or inequality before. What happened to the feisty pre-Law student who aces debates and oral arguments like a pro?” Mike argued but Win just shook his head.

“He fell in Lilia, I guess?” Win’s voice was barely a whisper because he can’t seem to force the lies out of his mouth.

“What’s love got to do with that? Love is not like that, it is not abusive or destructive.” This time it was Gerry who spoke then looked at Lilia fondly urging her to speak. Lilia nodded in agreement before speaking directly to Win.

“Win, I think you know what you need to do,” Lilia said in earnest.

“We would be here for you, we would support you.” Mike chimed in before looking at Lucien who seems to be contemplating on what to say.

“But you have to make the choice, Win.” It was Lucien who said that before looking intently at Win and Win felt his cheeks heat up at the intensity of that gaze.

“What do you mean?” Win said, trying to sound as calm as possible even if he can feel his heart hammering against his chest. Mike placed a hand on Win’s shoulder. Win looked at Mike as Mike spoke in an assuring voice.

“You have to make up your mind, Win. We can’t make that decision for you.” Mike said before nodding to Lilia who spoke next.

“But if you do decide to leave him, we are just a phone call away.” Win furrowed his brows in confusion as he voiced out his concern.

“But Jones checks my phone, the messages, the call logs…” Then realization dawned on Win and he fumbled for the small box that he hid in the pocket of his hoodie. He opened it and took out a small cellphone, not a smartphone but the old model cellphones with keypads. It was small enough to fit in the palm of his hand unnoticed. So this was the lifeline that Lilia was talking about. Win thought to himself. Lucien put a steady hand on Win’s shoulder.

“If you still decide to go back to Jones today, we will not stop you. But if you need help, I can come with you and—“ Win’s answer came out faster and harsher than intended.

“No! I mean…I cannot implicate you all in this. Jones is not reasonable when he is angry.” Lucien’s eyes narrowed in anger at that but his voice was calm when he spoke.

“Are you sure?” Win nodded eagerly. Jones would have to go through me before he can even come near to you, Lucien. Win thought before smiling and looking at everybody reassuringly.

“Yes, we still have a lot of things to talk about.” Win thought about everything that Jones might be keeping from him after hearing Lilia’s revelation earlier. He had never dared to pry on Jones’s life but Jones knew everything about Win. His chest constricted anew with the realization coupled with an array of emotions that gathered in it. What else could Jones be hiding from him?

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