Creaky Wood Floors

I had not foreseen this issue when I invited Gavin over. Well, he kind of invited himself.

It was around eleven pm when he hit my phone.

Hey Miranda, you up? He asked. I jumped at the notification and switched from Spotify over to his text. I frowned at the screen for a while before I managed to answer.

Yeah.

I waited a minute, mindlessly nibbling on my nail. Was this okay? Talking to him again after all this time. I rolled my shoulders and checked my screen. Nothing. I got out of bed and did a few stretches, then a few squats. What is he even doing? I thought before my phone chimed.

Great, I’ve been meaning to talk to you recently.

I stared at the notification on my screen. I pondered what he would have to say to me. We’ve been broken up for three years. A clean break, so there isn’t anything he could possibly have to say.

Say it then.

There was a lapse of time between my text and his.

Ft?

I hit the call button on his contact and placed the phone on top of my dresser. Gavin answered quickly. A smile stretched across his face.

“Hey.”

“Hey,” I answered back and cleared my throat. “What do you want to say?” I asked and fixed my hair using my reflection. He ran a hand through his shaggy blonde hair and took a seat. He looked to be sitting outside on his back porch. I shouldn’t remember it so well, but it was hard not to when my name was etched into the wood of the cabin wall.

He pointed at it and smiled wider.

“Remember this?” He asked. I scoffed and fluffed the roots of my brown hair. “You scratched our names into the wall the first time we came here.” He said. I nodded solemnly and sighed. It was so long ago that I barely remember it.

“I thought we’d get married.” Gavin nodded and pulled a bottle of gin out of the cup holder in his chair.

“We should have.” He said. I lower my eyes at him. Was he telling the truth? Did he really want that?

“What did you want to say to me, Gavin?”

“I’ve really missed you, Miranda.” He started. I held up at hand and he stopped talking.

“Gavin, let’s not do this.”

“Come on Mira, give me a minute to explain.” I weigh the options of letting him talk. For all I know he is about to tell me he wants to be friends again or something stupid.

“Go ahead,” I said giving in.

“I’ve really missed you, and I know that we ended things mutually. Or what sounded mutal…but our break up wasn’t fair.” I raised my brows and dared him to say something left field.

“Oh really?” I asked.

“Of course, it wasn’t.” He took a deep gulp of his gin. “I mean you gave everything back, except for one thing.” He said. His face was growing slightly peach-pink. I could tell he was starting to get buzzed.

“What exactly was that? I sent it over-”

“My heart Mira.” He said cutting me off. I tried to think of something to say, my head spun and the air around me got harder and harder to breathe. “Oh, sweet Mira.” He whispered.

“Gavin that’s not fair,” I say my voice cracking. Why’d he have to say that? Why’d I call him? Why am I allowing him to control me like this?

“I know I was wrong Mira, my love. I know I should have just accepted that you wanted so much more from me. You wanted a love that I wasn’t providing. The assurance I never gave and a family.” He frowned and tightly closed up his half-drained bottle of Gin. “Allow me one chance, my sweet Mira. Just one chance to make it up to you.”

I resisted the urge to cry but my hold wasn’t enough. Hot, wet tears slipped past my lashes and down my face.

“My sweet Mira.” He mumbled again. He let out a deep sigh and rested his head on the back of his chair. “Every night I come out here and look at this wall. Missing that gorgeous smile of yours. Missing all those really terrible dad jokes you used to tell. Missing the way you held onto my hand so that if the floor caved in beneath us we would never be separated. Mira I fucking love you with all of my heart. Every thought of you makes me tremble. Every moment I realize you’re not here I want to curl into a ball and disappear.” He pauses to look at me.

I try hiding my tear-streaked face.

“Mira please give me one more chance to give you everything you asked of me. Let me love you Mira, let me hold you and wish away your fears and kiss away your demons. Baby please, take me back.” He said.

Once I had pulled myself together I cleared my throat.

“I don’t know if I can do that Gavin. You hurt me so badly. But I’ve done worse.” Gavin shook his head.

“No baby, no you treated me so good. I took you for granted.”

“Gavin!” I yelled and then regreted it. I paused for a moment listening to the silence of my house.

“This isn’t about our relationship. It’s about what happened after.” Gavin sat up in his chair suddenly very alert.

“What? Are you okay…did you hurt your-“

“No, geez I told you I refuse to ever do that again.”

“I’m coming over.”

“No.” I hissed quietly.

“Then tell me.” He said standing up and walking back inside his house. The lighting changed giving me a full view of his handsome face.

“I really can’t tell you over the phone. Maybe another time.”

“Fuck Miranda. You can’t just say shit like that and not allow me to come over. I’m worried.” He said honestly, his dark brown eyes shiny like jewels.

“Alright…then come over. But don’t be loud and turn your lights off when you pull in.” He gave me a weird face and nodded. He said goodbye and hung up. I stare at my wallpaper for a few moments before the screen goes back and shows me my reflection.

I get up and pace back and forth. This is the right thing to do Miranda. He should know about what I did. I sighed running a hand through my hair. I sit down on my bed and think about all his possible reactions. I couldn’t help but rock back and forth until I heard the tires of his pickup truck on the gravel driveway.

I get up and wipe my face. I didn’t bother washing it, I would most likely cry again.

“Hi.” I say opening the door. Gavin stood in the doorway, wrapped tightly in a brown peacoat with a brown beanie over his messy, short hair. I stepped out of the way and let him inside. His boots clicked lightly against the wood floors.

“What did you do?” He asked pulling his peacoat off and hanging it on the rack. He reached past me. I backed into the end table, and held his gaze. He dropped his keys in the bowl and backed away. I clutch my chest and turn away quickly.

“I’ll just um show you,” I said hurriedly. My feet slide quickly on the floor because of my fuzzy socks. Gavin’s boots thudded against the creaky wood floors making enough noise to wake the neighbors. I turn to him wincing.

This was my fault I invited him over. I shouldn’t have. I turned around to stop him but he had already stopped walking his eyes staring intensely straight ahead.

“Gavin can you walk-“ I started.

“Mommy?” A small voice called cutting me off. My heart stopped and I turned around. Oh no. God no.

“Hey baby, what are you doing up?” I ask sweetly walking over to her and crouching down. Valeria clutched tightly to the elephant stuffed animal I had given her when she was born. She shook it lightly signaling she was uncomfortable. I didn’t risk looking back at Gavin.

“Let’s get you to bed. But first, say hello.” Valeria squeezed her elephant before mumbling so low almost I couldn’t hear it.

“Again.” I said. She understood and raised her eyes to look at Gavin in the face.

“Hello.” I kissed her cheek and pulled her up on my hip. She clung to me desperately hiding her face in the nape of my neck.

I got her settled back in bed before switching on her nightlight and refilling her cup of water.

“Good night mama.” She muttered turning towards the wall and pulling her stuffed animal closer.

“Good night baby.”

I returned to the hallway to see that Gavin had plopped down on the sofa.

“Is she what you wanted to show me?” He asked the instant the noisy floorboards gave me away.

“Um…” I looked at my hands and thought of the proper words.

“Why didn’t you tell me?” he asked softly. He pulled his hands from his face. His eyes were bloodshot, and tears stained his face.

I rushed over to him and reached out. He reeled back and glared at me.

“I did four times.”

He scoffed and wiped at the tears on his face. Red puffy splotches lay in their wake.

“When?” He asked. I cleared my throat and wished I had poured myself a glass of water.

“At your sister’s wedding. That’s when I found out.” He frowned and tried to think.

“When else?” He asked. I stood up and grabbed some cups from the kitchen. Gavin followed me and leaned his muscular frame against the archway.

“At William’s birthday. I was about two months then.” I said. He shook his head.

“Willam’s my best friend and I was very drunk during both events.”

I grit my teeth.“What about on my birthday? When I called you eighteen times and you let it go to voice mail. I told you then as well.” I said. He was acting like such an asshole! I defiantly told him on multiple occasions. This is just the first time I’ve admitted I went through with the pregnancy.

He shook his head. “What sane person is going to listen to twenty voice messages from their ex?”

“The one who said that I could talk to him about anything,” I said. I stood up. The water wasn’t helping. My armpits tingled from my anxiety. I swallowed past the blockage in my throat.

“That was a post-break-up courtesy. You broke my heart Miranda!” I grabbed his arm and pulled him off the wall.

“Be quiet,” I said and pulled him towards my room. The floor creaked under the weight of our fast-paced steps.

Once I had shut and locked the door I turned back to him. He was sitting on the edge of the bed stiffly with his back eerily straight.

“I told you the day I went into labor.” He shook his head. His brows tugged together as he was deep in thought.

“It was your birthday,” I said. The words came out timidly. He looked up from the ground and into my eyes. He inhaled sharply and bolted to his feet. The rug drowned out the sound of his stomping.

His hands roughly snatched up my arms and he pulled me close.

“We share a birthday?” He asked. His voice cracked and a tear slipped down his cheek. I nodded. Gavin closed his eyes and released me.

“I think I kind of remember that phone call. But the details are super fuzzy.” He said. I pat his shoulder and pull his chin with two of my fingers.

“I never hid my pregnancy from you…I didn’t think you wanted to be a part of her life. So after you didn’t show up to the hospital, I just gave up trying to tell you.” Gavin nodded.

“I’m so sorry, I should have been there. We shouldn’t have broken up…I,” Gavin reached in his pocket and pulled out a small navy, velvet box. “I’ve had this since our tenth anniversary.” He mumbled. I stared unbreathing at the box.