Arcane11

There’s something about giving up. I don’t mean like giving things up, possessions as such. Just giving up in general. This isn’t me doing a New Year’s resolution, or Lent, it’s just accepting things how they are and having no issues with that, no desire to change it.

Really I should be grateful, or consider myself lucky at least… nothing bad has every happened to me, not really. I haven’t had it easy sometimes, but I definitely could have had it a lot worse. I’d like to tell you something fucked up happened to me, and that’s why I am like I am, why no one really cares about me, or why I don’t feel special, but the truth is nothing has happened, and I am okay.

I have a very normal family, living a very normal life, and that’s okay, I guess that’s just how it is meant to be for me. Nothing extraordinary happening to a normal person, and that’s okay. Or at least if I keep telling myself that, maybe I will begin to believe it.

That’s why I am staring at the back of Toby Jacksons head, wishing he’d notice me the way I want him too. He’s managed to make me feel like some high school kid again, or some love-sick teenager in college. I’m not. Love-sick that is, I am in college, we all are. I am a little obsessed with Toby, but he doesn’t know that. Only one more term to go and we break up for the summer… ready for university, the creation of a new me and a new life where I am extraordinary, where I have the chance to be, and I can be more than just okay.

Toby and I are good friends and we always have been, or at least that’s what it feels like, like I have known him forever. He’s just so easy to be around… and he makes me laugh. Between him and Rose I really don’t need anyone else, although they don’t get on at the best of times, meaning I have to split my time or feel guilty for neglecting one of them… although Toby has all his rugby lads to keep him company now, so since starting college we haven’t been able to spend as much time as I’d like together. To be honest though I don’t think he’s notices, between sports and the many girls that fall at his feet he doesn’t really have time for me anymore.

I’m not a nerd or whatever and I don’t get bullied… I’m that kid who has like one close friend and then just gets on with everyone else if I need to, but never really fitting in, and that’s okay too.

“Quinn,” Rose whisper shouts to me from across the desks, “Earth to Quinn”.

“Ssshhhhh… I am busy daydreaming about Toby doing me over this table,” I wink over to her. I’m not, I mean I am fantasising about him, but no guy has even touched me let alone gotten close enough down there to do that… and why would they want to? Isn’t it a bit gross?

I like teasing Rose though, she’s known me since we were twelve and knows I have a healthy guy obsession.

“You’re fucking gross, he’s like our brother,” she whispers back to me, before going back to the text book we were trying to get through in our business class. I mean, he is like our brother in the sense that we have all literally grown up together, but what started as my first crush ha grown into something more… and I definitely don’t see him as my brother.

“Don’t interrupt me when I am fantasising then,” I snort back. I have always fancied Toby, but it became abundantly clear that he was not into me soon after we met, so I’ve settled for the friend-zone and witnessing a long line of his utterly gorgeous girlfriends.

I look down at my notebook, luckily already filled with notes on this topic from the extra work I did last night. I am not a nerd remember… I just like studying and getting good grades. God knows what I want to do when I go to uni and eventually graduate so I need the best grades I can get to give me the most options.

While everyone is working through the examples I take the time to draw the best doodle of Toby I can, in all his naked glory with me sucking him off. That should entertain Rose I smirk to myself. I fold it up and throw it at her, before she creases onto a fit of giggles, quickly avalanching into hysteria.

We are so childish and I love it.

Unfortunately her hysteria was enough to grab Mr. Potts attention, our tutor, who turns the most amazing shade of red at my - dare I say it - amazing artwork.

“That’ll earn you some extra work over lunch Quinn,” he points at me, “come back at 12:00”.

“Thanks loser,” I half laugh, poking my tongue out at Rose who is still trying to stifle her laughter. It was totally worth it.

As I walk back into the business block at lunch I notice Toby already sitting in the classroom speaking with Mr Potts, and a blush creeps up my chest over my cheeks. Shit, did Mr Potts tell him what I drew? Why is he here? Shit, shit, shit!

I clear my through as I enter the class, hoping to announce my attendance without having to speak, not trusting my voice anymore. Toby has literally no idea about how much I like him, like his face, his hair, his eyes, the way his muscles pull over his tops like they are trying to escape. Yeah, it’s gross really.

“Ah, Quinn, finally,” Mr Potts sighs, as if I am actually late, which I’m not.

“I came straight from fourth period sir,” I mumble, annoyed at his insinuation, I’m never late.

“You and Toby here will be sorting through the business supply closet before term ends… all the books we’ve had returned need to be sorted ready for the new year and I can’t find a bloody thing in there. It shouldn’t take you too long, with the two of you I expect it to be done by the time I am back from lunch”.

“Yes sir,” I mumble back, eyeing Toby up. Why was he here? Although I’m not surprised. He’s not a trouble maker, but he has this cute cheeky side that always ends up getting him in trouble because he always seems to get caught. Okay maybe he was a trouble maker.

“I’ll be back at the end of lunch to make sure it’s all done, otherwise you can both come back on Monday to finish it up,” he stated before leaving the room.

Great.

“Better get started then hadn’t we,” I speak to the room, trying to avoid Toby’s gaze. It’s been hard to be around him since I know we are both probably going to end up at different universities and the probably end up as people we both use to know. It’s like I am trying to wean myself off of him.

I step into the supply cupboard, and look around the confined space. There’s no light bulb and one small window at the top right corner that’s glazed over. God knows what they use to use this room for.

“Right, pass me the books that are okay, I’ll stack them in,” I stated assertively.

“Look at me Quinn,” Toby smirks almost pleading. The first time we’d spoken in over a week. I couldn’t look and I didn’t. I hardly moved. I could hear my heart beat in my ears, adrenaline racing through my body, wanting to be as close to him as possible, knowing I shouldn’t, I wasn’t allowed, his latest girlfriend, Cynthia, would skin my alive if she knew we were here, alone together. Psychotic controlling bitch.

My eyes whipped up to meet Toby’s at the sound of his laugh. Shit, had I said that out loud?

“Who’s a psychotic controlling bitch?” He questioned, raising his eyebrows at me.

“You’re latest arm candy,” I winked back at him, never one to lie, not to him anyway and not to Rose.

He hummed in response, “I guess you’re right, she is a bit crazy”.

“A bit?” I squeaked, “are you blind, dead or stupid, or all three? I’ll make sure to add that onto the doctors notes when they admit you into a psychiatric ward”.

“Ouch Rivers, remove your talons from me,” Toby joked back. This was how it was meant to be, this was how we were, I couldn’t help but smile as our exchanged moved back into comfortable territory.

Toby handed me the first few sets of books, allowing me to reach up and stack them away, that by the time we were almost done - ahead of time too! - there was about five left to put on the higher shelf.

As I tried to rest of the shelf to pull myself a little higher to stack the books, they all fell on top of me.

“Fucking hell!” I shouted, ducking down as more books toppled onto my head, “Toby! Don’t just stand there and laugh, help me!” I snorted, trying to be angry.

“It’s not my fault you are small,” he teased.

“I am not having this conversation again, you are tall, I am average. End of story.” I snarked, folding my arms across my chest.

He walked into the cupboard and bent down to pick the books up whilst I stared at the top of his head. His hair was so gorgeous and it looked so soft, my breath hitched as I wondered what is smelt like, what it would feel like running between my fingers.

“Enjoying the view up there?” he asked, still picking the books up.

“It’s not like we can both bend down in here is it, you should have waited until I moved out the way, now your giant head is blocking me from moving,” I murmured, still mesmerised by his brown wavy locks. I couldn’t help myself, but reach out to touch it.

I almost choked when Toby replied, almost too quietly for me to hear, “to be honest, the view isn’t too bad down here anyway… You’re such a tease”.

“Fuck off Toby and put these away,” I signed ignoring his comment about me being a tease, knowing no one thought of me that way, especially not him. As he stood up, his chest brushed suggestively against mine, until his chest was level with my head, easily reaching up to place the books on the higher shelf.

I froze. We hadn’t been this close in a long time, not since we stopped it. Just two friends messing about drunk is how we rationalised it to each other, but I couldn’t forget, and my body was longing for more of his touch, his closeness. I could feel the hairs along my arms beginning to rise, as if they were reaching out for him.

As he reached down to get the last of the books he grabbed my ankle making me scream in surprise.

“Stand still,” he said stiffly, “your lace is undone”.

Why did he sound so awkward? So uncomfortable? Did I make him feel like this? Like he didn’t want to be near me? Because that’s how it felt, the cold way he was almost frustrated that once again, he was helping me with something I couldn’t manage on my own.

The thought make me feel sick, and sad, but was quickly pushed aside as he kissed the inside of my shin.

What the fuck?