Chapter 1
Insecurities, inhibitions, wants, needs, desires; they all make up our DNA, it’s all a matter of what we’re willing to act on. From religious guilt to social norms, we shape our desires to fit in with the so-called normal people. But deep down in that primal place that never sees the light of day, we’re interested in the salacious, dying to hear a juicy secret, and will hide our own deviant desires and wants. But why are we so quick to hide our true wants and desires rather than be honest with our partners and share what we really want? What exactly are we hiding from?
Wouldn’t it be more fulfilling if we could find a partner with whom we can share all those things we feel the need to hide? Shouldn’t our “mature relationships” include a trust and bond where we can share these dark secrets? We all want or need something, so why aren’t we being honest with our lovers or with ourselves? This is where our journey begins. Everyday men and women being honest with their wants and needs and learning to find a voice.
Let me be the first to welcome you among the ranks of the inappropriate and perverse. Whether you’re already familiar with the territory or you thought you’d come along for the freak show tour, you’re here now, so settle in and get comfortable. It’s safe to assume that you fall into one of the following categories: some sort of masochist, seriously deviant, voyeuristic, or maybe just curious. Whatever the reason that brought you here, buckle in and hang on, because the ride is going to be full of unexpected twists and turns, and no matter what, it will be entertaining.
Before we jump in to the deep end, I’m going to take a moment to elaborate on what this book is about – sure there’s fun and frolic, but ultimately it’s about showing you, the reader, you’re the one in control. Whether you’re in a relationship or single, hooking up or still looking for that perfect match, relationships are complicated, and they become even more difficult when you fail to be honest – not just with your partner, but with yourself. We all want the same thing – happiness – and hopefully what you read here will help you find a pathway to yours.
The last thing we need to touch on before moving forward is judgement. It’s clear that you picked up this book for a reason, I’m assuming it is because you’re ready to test your personal boundaries and expand your horizons. There are going to be things contained within that may make you uncomfortable or cringe, all I ask is that you keep an open mind and try not to judge. Remember, each individual draws their own line in the sand, and just as you wouldn’t want someone to dictate or judge you for where you draw your line, offer the same courtesy to everyone else. Now we can openly discuss relationships.
All healthy relationships have the following key aspects in common: trust, respect and communication. Trust is the first and most important characteristic in a healthy, mature relationship, but what does trust mean exactly? The academic definition is “a psychological state comprising the intention to accept vulnerability based upon positive expectations of the intentions or behavior of another.” Our need for trust arises from interdependencies with others, and is only established by honesty and trustworthy behavior. Our trust in another is based on evaluating their ability, integrity and concern for others. The more we see these positive characteristics in another person, the more our trust in them is likely to grow. Trust takes time to build in relationships, and should not be given lightly, it should be earned.
In a healthy, mature relationship, both partners need to be mutually respected and seen as a value to the relationship. Mutual respect is the foundation for honesty, trust and meaningful communication. Respect, in its clinical definition, is “a proper regard for the dignity of a person or position. It is the value we see in the other person.” Healthy relationships build you up, not tear you down, and respect from others comes from respecting yourself. One must trust their own feelings and believe in their own worth to be worthy of others.
The last component is communication. The definition of this is “a means, both verbal and non-verbal, by which information is exchanged between individuals through a common system of symbols, signs or behavior.” To communicate effectively you have to understand how you relate or don’t relate to others, and how comfortable you feel doing so with others. Open and honest communication builds trust and respect, and is key to a healthy and mature relationship with your partner. Relationships are like a fine engine, they have many moving parts to them, and in order for them to work properly without problems all the parts have to work together. In the case of an engine, you need spark, air, fuel and lubricant, all of these apply to relationships.
Spark is what ignites the fire; much like in an engine, it’s the same thing for a relationship. You need a spark to get love started, and you won’t keep it going without. But spark is just a moment, possibly a glance, a simple attraction, but it’s where every relationship lives and breathes. Without a spark, there can be no fire, and anyone who’s ever tried to start a fire knows spark is crucial, but without air, spark is nothing.
Respect is air. Air is what keeps your fire burning, and respect – mutual respect – is what takes that spark and ignites your relationship fire. Respect is what takes simple attraction and turns it into something more, that possibility of a new relationship. Respect means you value the other person as equal to you; you don’t own them and they don’t own you. If your partner abuses you, uses you, or only calls when they want something, they don’t respect you. Consequently, if you respond with only frustration or aggravation, there’s a good chance you don’t respect them. Much like a fire, respect and lack of respect can either burn down the forest or suck the oxygen out of your fire.
Trust is the fuel that feeds your fire. It’s essential to build on the respect you have and trust each other enough to discuss issues as they arise. Trust is knowing the other person is going to be the same person away from you they are with you. And it’s this respect the other person has for you that inspires the integrity you feel in them. Trust can fill your sails with air and carry you both to the shores of happiness, or it can punch a hole in your boat and let you sink to the bottom.
Lastly, communication is the lubrication for your relationship engine. Every relationship needs maintenance, and you need to grease the wheels every now and then, and this requires communication. Open and honest communication keeps the wheels turning and moving in the right direction. Much like our engine analogy, without communication, your relationship will stall and die.
Now that we have a clear understanding of what relationships need, it’s time to focus on what this book aims to do. Most of us have many relationships in our lives, so we’re familiar with all the key components to making them work. What this book focuses on is one component that seems to be the most problematic for people – communication. There have been many publications on how to communicate, and tips on how to be better, but the one thing we miss is honesty. There’s a long list of things that keep us from being honest, and each person has to define what their reason is, but it usually boils down to fear. Whether that’s fear that someone won’t accept you for who you are, you’ll be laughed at, or rejected, we have to move past fear and face it head on. That’s what this book is for. We all have demons, and fear is something that puts everyone on an even playing field. The only difference is how we react. Some folks run for the hills and others embrace it – either way, it helps define who you are as a person.
We’re so concerned about what people think, don’t think, what might happen, or might not happen, that we scare ourselves into inaction. The more we overthink fear, the more power we give it, and the less we’re willing to face. The fear grows with each passing day, month, and year, until you wake up wondering, “how did I get here?” To be clear… fear is not an enemy: inaction is. How much fear you’re willing to hold on to is a personal choice.
I could sit down and list everything I think is right and wrong with this world, but where would that get us? Truth is, I started thinking about honesty and my own personal lack of it because my life wasn’t all I had dreamed it was supposed to be. I’m guessing if you’re reading this, your life probably isn’t perfect either. More than once you’ve probably gotten to a point of frustration or sadness that has made you question the very nature of your existence. On the extreme side, you’ve probably had a little temper tantrum, indulged in risky behavior (sex, drugs, alcohol, etc.), maybe even offered up some meaningless promise of an arbitrary reward for the Universe’s help. Face it, there is no Faustian deal to be made here, and if you’re anything like me, the Devil isn’t answering your call for help because you’re already a minion, or maybe that promise isn’t enough for Heaven and Earth to split apart and make that celebrity fall in love with you. Sorry to burst the bubble on the Cinderella syndrome, but Disney isn’t producing a prototype Prince (or Princess, as the case may be) Charming anytime soon, so you’ll have to start basing life on reality. And, if you haven’t already guessed it, reality bites. I know, I know, that doesn’t inspire any real desire to move forward, but there is good news. Reality may bite, but in my opinion, it’s mostly due to a severe lack of honesty. That’s where this book comes in.
I’m just like you: a cog in a great big machine called life. I grew up being told I was special, and the world loves an underdog: I now know that is complete and utter bullshit. I’ve spent years trying to understand why I look at happy couples and wonder why that isn’t me. I’m a kind person, I have friends, and I try to be good, but maybe all the fairy tales were fantasy, and there isn’t some handsome prince out there waiting for me. I started to think maybe all the adults in my life had simply lied; fairy tales aren’t real, not everyone gets a happy ending, and there is no magic in this world – now, there’s a truly disturbing thought for you. But I digress, you should be wondering why you should even listen to me, and here’s the rub: I’m not asking you to. Instead, I’m asking you to listen to your fellow man (and woman) as they answer the questions that were posed. Flaws and all, it’s all here for you to read.
I’d like to point out that there was – and still is – dual purpose to each question. Sure, I wanted answers for publication, but I initially wanted people to take time from their busy lives and search themselves for answers. I truly believe if you take time while reading this to search for your answers you’ll receive the same benefit that I and all the original participants received – enlightenment. I feel I know myself better than I ever have before. I know the things missing in my life that I’m unwilling to do without, and I feel motivated to make them a reality. In my opinion, there is one way to make the world a better place; start with what Shakespeare knew as an undeniable and quantitative necessity… know thyself.
Facing yourself, your insecurities, your inhibitions, is one of the bravest things you can do in life. It doesn’t cost you a thing, and you reap nothing but benefit from it. You don’t need an audience, and you don’t have to put yourself on the line for it; simply put, it’s important. Hopefully, through the voices contained herein, you’ll see there are no colors, there is no religion, there are no boundaries… we are all the same. Look to yourself for the strength you desire, infuse your life with action. Whatever your beliefs, honor your creator, not by passively waiting for grace to come to you, but by doing what you can to make grace happen. To be yourself, completely yourself in a world that is constantly trying to make you something else, would be your greatest accomplishment.
So, like Tina Turner said in the introduction to ‘Proud Mary’: “I think you’d like for me to start off nice and easy.” But there’s just one thing, I never do anything nice and easy. I will, however, give you a general idea of what to expect. Chapter titles will be the questions that were posed and will be followed by my thoughts on the subject. The very first response will be my personal answer to said question, and will be the only name you find on any answer. I tried to leave the gathered responses in their original form, but I am a charter member of the Grammar Police, so there are spelling and grammatical revisions – although, nothing that would change the nature of the answer over all.
From time to time, I added commentary to the responses, which may be pithy, sarcastic, or even sympathetic in nature. I’ve formatted these in bold italics and set them apart from the responses. Just a reminder, I think I’m funny, and I try to show my love by being a smart ass, so if I commented on something, it was only because the answer stood out from the crowd, so please don’t fire off a flaming email… Holy Crapmonkeys… accept that I deemed the response worthy of my pith and sad attempt at humor, and tried my very best to offend you. If I don’t comment… get over it… I’m lazy. Last, but not least, I occasionally offered some sort of closing thought to a chapter, if I felt it warranted further commentary. But again, I’m lazy, so don’t expect anything.
Please note: I don’t control the content of the answers, so there will be views, comments and answers considered to be offensive or even obscene. If you are easily offended, or a big- whiny- sensitive-baby, then please, by all means, put down this book and read something else. Please do not email, call, or write to me about your hurt feelings and offense for two very valid reasons: 1) You’ve been respectfully advised there is adult-only content ahead and you have made the conscious choice to read it; and 2) I really don’t give a flying fig about someone’s inability to be an adult, especially, when they’ve been advised – so get over yourself – I’m not inclined to be all warm and fuzzy about little butt-hurt comments, so you’ll find no sympathy here.
It’s your choice, either be an adult and read it and let it go, or don’t read it… either way, I’m not going to read your email anyway, so save yourself the frustration.
If one is forever cautious, can one remain a human being?
Aleksandr Solzhenitsyn
