1 Lost
Opening my eyes, I can’t help but smile. Rolling over, my arms reach out to cuddle Jackson but there is just empty space. My mind races forward, memories of yesterday plaguing me. What have I done? My head hurts so much, but not as much as my heart: that is now in pieces. I can’t see a way to fix it, a way to fix anything. Jackson’s offer is in my mind, the one about taking a stand and telling me I have a decision to make. It is his way to give me both of them, yet I don’t feel right agreeing, not at all. It would be like saying our marriage means nothing, yet it does.
I hate this! I hate what they have done to me! They have destroyed me just by giving me love. Now the result is three broken hearts, a fucked-up situation and destruction. How can this ever be fixed? How can I walk away from one knowing I’ll be killing the other? I can’t do that, yet I have to. I have to find a way to choose but I don’t want to.
Tears start to fall. That’s all I ever do because nothing is going right. When I find happiness, there is something waiting to destroy it. I hate them both for causing this, yet I can’t help but love them. The whole thing is fucked up and right now I can’t see a way out.
The door opens. I don’t want to look up. I don’t want to see Jackson’s pain, his hurt, his anger. I certainly can’t cope with seeing his heart broken again. He is my Master, my husband, yet right now, I don’t know if any of that still stands. So how did I get to this point? Well, me and Jackson were doing great. Sure, we had our fair share of issues but I love being his submissive. He then invited Marcus, a friend, to play. Marcus is truly amazing. The problem is he fell in love with me. He couldn’t help it and without even noticing, I fell in love with him.
Yesterday was the breaking point, the point where everything came together and crumbled at the same time. I pushed Marcus away when he kissed me. I couldn’t hurt Jackson like that, but then when Jackson told me that Marcus was leaving and moving out, I felt heartbroken. I still do. Even Jackson said he noticed I loved Marcus before I did.
Jackson left us to say goodbye. The thought of never seeing Marcus again hurt so much. We couldn’t stop ourselves, sleeping together for the first time without Jackson’s permission. I officially cheated. I thought Jackson would hate me, yet he doesn’t. He blames himself for bringing Marcus into the situation.
So, what now? Well, I have the option of having them both, staying married to Jackson and still being his submissive, just with Marcus involved as much as I want him to be. To me that doesn’t feel right, but I don’t want Marcus to leave either.
Jackson is still standing at the door, his breathing hitched as he waits for me to respond to him walking in. Reluctantly raising my head, I look at him. My heart shatters seeing his pain and hurt. I am evil. How can I do this to him?
“Come on, babes, let’s talk.”
Looking at him, I can’t, I physically can’t. There is too much there. I feel like I am drowning in thoughts, memories, their pain, my heartbreak, everything. I can’t ask him to take me to the playroom. We have the girls, so I can’t drink. How do people deal with this daily? How do they manage to get through the pain and find an escape to those thoughts? With Max, I just locked myself away for months and months till they left me alone. I can’t do that now because I am a mum, yet there is no other way either.
“I can’t. I just can’t, Jackson.” My head drops, his body walking towards me. How can he still be so nice to me?
“Okay, we don’t talk. I want to punish you for sleeping with Marcus, for fucking him without me saying. Maybe after that you can talk. Go get ready.”
Looking up at him, I am not sure what to do. Does he mean it? I have no issues with him punishing me. I just don’t want him doing this to help me rather than it be a punishment.
“Kitten, move it now. I will be in the room in five minutes.” He walks out. Looking at the empty space where he was stood, I can’t say no.
The whole thing will help. It will take me to my subspace, giving me a few minutes peace from my thoughts that I so desperately need. It will also be a punishment, which he needs to do to be able to move on. Getting off the bed, walking slowly to the play room, I see Marcus coming out his room. Stopping for a second, I look at him. His face is filled with pain. I can’t do this. I can’t say anything. It feels wrong. Walking past him, I reach the playroom. Opening the door, I look back at him. He is still standing there staring at me
Turning my head, I walk into the room. Taking my clothes off, I grab the blindfold. Now naked, I kneel on the floor, waiting for the punishment I deserve. He hates punishing me. He hardly ever does it because he hates it so much. The sound of the door opening warns me he’s here. His hands grab mine, pulling me up. He is guiding me across the room.
His hands grab mine and the metal cuffs lock on my wrists. His hands lift mine and lock them above my head.
“I am going to give you six whips. You will count with me. I won’t hold back so be ready to say the safe word.”
A snicker escapes my lips. He always says he won’t hold back and yet he always holds back. I have never felt his whips full force. “Okay, Sir.”
Standing waiting, I can hear him grabbing the whip. I can hear it swinging in the air. The sting hurts. Jumping on my toes, I bite my lip, trying to stop my screams.
“Count.” His growl is low, reminding me I have forgotten to count.
“One.”
Standing waiting for the sound of the air around the whip makes, my body tenses and gets ready, bracing myself for the sting. The screams escape my lips at the pain caused.
“Two.”
He isn’t holding back. For the first time he is not holding back and now I see why he would never hit me full force. It hurts so much! My screams get louder as the next one hits. I can literally feel it pierce my skin.
“Three.”
My mind is empty, nothing there to think about. All I can think about is the pain. Screaming again as the next one hits, I know I can’t take more. The pain is unreal. I can feel the cuts from the whip, yet I begged him before not to hold back. Now I know why he did.
“Peach!”
My scream is loud. This hurts so much! I was not expecting it to. The sound of the whip hitting the floor makes me jump. His hands release mine. Carrying me to the bed, my mind is free - the pain, heartache, memories all gone. I cannot think and talk. His hands wipe a cloth across my butt cheeks.
“I am grabbing some ice. I’ll be right back.”
He walks out. Staying on my stomach, the thought of touching my ass scares me. He walks back in. Sitting next to me, his hands place the ice packs on my ass. I scream from the coldness and pain. His hand strokes my back, so gentle and soft.
“Right, now you can talk.” His voice low and quiet. “Do you want to talk to me alone or would you rather Marcus was here as well?” His question makes no sense; we need to sort this without Marcus.
“Just you.” Lying here I wait for his next question, while the pain is being numbed by the ice.
“Okay, so what do you want, Alena?”
I know what I want. It is easy. “I want things to go back to how they were. I want us to be married, me your sub still. I just don’t want Marcus to leave and never be involved again. I don’t want him to be my partner or anything. I just don’t want to lose him.” Waiting, he doesn’t talk, so I guess I will go on. “I don’t think I love Marcus like you. I think in my mind he is, in a way, like my Dom, just not really one, if that makes sense? When I think of him, I don’t think of him as someone I can connect with like you. I see him like when you’re in your Dom space, when you’re authoritative. That is how I see Marcus.”
He moves. His whole body changes at my words. “You love him like a Dom, not like a couple, a partner or a husband? What if you don’t just be my submissive? What if you’re his as well, Alena? I can discuss how it would work, but that is something I know I am okay with. Rather than the thought of you two making love, I can see it like any other D/s relationship. Yes, you love each other, but not like ours. It is like a traditional D/s relationship.”
That would be good. It still feels wrong, but it is better than trying to call it a relationship. I don’t want to sleep in Marcus’s bed. I don’t want his love. I just want him.
“Is that even a thing and possible? How would it even work?” The thought, though, relaxes my mind. If it can work, that would be amazing.
“Let’s talk tonight with Marcus once the girls are in bed. We should be getting up; you have work soon.” He removes the ice. His hand puts bandages onto it to cover the cuts.
“I am sorry for hurting you, Alena. I don’t like punishing you at all.”
Turning to face him for the first time, I smile. “As painful as it was, it helped. My mind’s still free and I now know why you wouldn’t hit me full force. I know why you refuse to not hold back, so I won’t keep pushing for you to.” He laughs at my response. I am not sure why it was so funny.
“I know, Kitten. I will see you downstairs.” His lips press against mine before he gets up, walking out.
I feel awful. How can he be so nice? Sure, he’s partly to blame for me loving Marcus but not for me sleeping with him. I don’t feel like that punishment was enough. I should have forced myself to take all six whips. Getting dressed, I walk downstairs. Jackson is sat with the girls. Walking into the kitchen, I begin cooking. I watch him walk over to me, then his arms wrap around me and his lips press against my neck.
“I still love you. We’re still together and married, so don’t be afraid of touching me, please, Kitten. If we can’t be like we were, that would hurt more then you walking away.”
Turning to face him, I wrap my arms around his neck, pulling him to me, kissing him. Why do I feel like I have not kissed him in ages? My breathing is hitched, my heart racing.
“Calm down, Kitten.” He pulls back, kissing my forehead.
“Okay, the first rule, you can’t both call me Kitten. You two can sort that out yourselves, but it doesn’t feel right anymore.” It doesn’t, and it needs to change.
“Okay, Kitten.” I burst out laughing at his response. “Sorry, old habits die hard and all that.” He turns to walk back to the girls.
Finishing, I plate it up and place the five plates at the table. Jackson walks over, looking confused.
“Oh, as you said, old habits die hard. I’m used to cooking his breakfast.” Picking up the plate that is for Marcus, I put it on the side.
“I was thinking.” Jackson’s voice is quiet. I look up at him as I sit. “Well, you have, in a way, been his submissive already. You have served him his food, cooked for him, cleaned him up after the crash. You have been like his sub in so many ways already.”
Thinking about it, I have. I haven’t exactly been his submissive in a sense he tells me what to do or chooses when we play, but I do treat him like my Dom. I look after him as much as Jackson outside the bedroom. I know full well if Marcus asked or told me to do something, I would. If he was authoritative enough like Jackson after the crash, I know I would have listened to him and gone to the hospital, but he didn’t.
