Remember
In the dimly lit room, the atmosphere is heavy with unspoken words; the silence between them that was once comfortable has turned to sadness. “I am not myself right now.” He finally broke it. He is a mess, his head full of everything and nothing at the same time—a painful cluster of thoughts his own brain could not decipher, let alone articulate.
Her lips curl into a strained smile, a facade to hide her emotions, a mask that might fool another but not him. A liar can always spot another liar. “I know. I felt it long before you realized.” Her chest rose with a deep inhale, as though summoning the strength to keep her mask.
“I love you.” He turns his face away from her, words that stir a whirlwind of emotion inside him. Is it Anger? Despair? It is what he always wanted—acceptance for the parts of him that are far from perfect. And yet, it is not relief he finds, only the pain of disappointing the people he loves.
Once he was a fool, a boy who thought love would turn him into the person he wanted to be, that it would give him strength or reason enough to rise above his weakness. A child who dreams of being a hero, but playing hero is not for the weak, and he is the weakest of them all.
“I know this would hurt you.” He keeps his voice low, and his tone is even gentler. “If you find someone better, leave me.” His words hang in the air, a plea for her to seek happiness elsewhere; he could not live for himself. To think he was delusional enough to believe he could live for someone else. He is a boy who could barely shoulder his own burden but thought to help carry another’s.
“No one could love me better.” He meets her gaze; there is not a hint of lying in her words, and her eyes are sincere. And yet it only cuts him deeper; those words remind him only of the scars she carried and the depths of her pain. He manages a smile; only broken people understand broken, yet that does not mean she deserves anything less than perfect.
“Then promise you will leave if I cause you too much pain.”
“You worry when you are incapable of hurting me.” Her words are a testament to the resilience she’s built over time and the strength to endure the storms that have battered her before. He is incapable of hurting her in the ways of her family; he is not the person who could hurt the people he loves. Not physically at least.
“My absence saddens you; is that not pain?” She turns away, a hint of sadness and hurt flickering through her face. His bruises and wounds healed, some leaving scars, and yet he would endure it all again, for that kind of pain is trifling. But pain of the heart? That bleeds forever, and he is bleeding all over her.
She meets his gaze once more with a renewed smile. The same fake smile she hides her pain behind. “You always return; that is all I ask, so come back to me.” He closes his eyes; he has drowned in the darkest depths of the abyss, so close to the calling. That inviting offer of peace, and yet he always finds himself clawing for the surface when he is a breath away from it.
“Don’t settle for this just because you’ve endured worse; you deserve better, and I can only dream of giving you better.” A frustrated chuckle escapes him; he cannot tell if he is genuine or lying. Is he pushing her away for her sake or his? How can he fade into nothing when she clings to him so tightly? How can he leave her after taking on the role of a hero?
That is betrayal—a betrayal that he himself never recovered from, though she had survived it well. He would not be the one to inflict such pain on another, let alone the person he loves most. He will not become the monster he has hated all his life.
“You have been getting better; would you let a decade of efforts be in vain now?”
“I will never get better, not unless I forsake everything and the future I imagine for us.” Is this regret? For all the things that went wrong and for the decisions made to survive, if only the circumstances were better, Maybe things would not turn out this way. No matter how hard he tries, it will not undo the fact that he was born unlucky.
“Then so be it.” His eyes were wide with surprise. For once, there was someone who didn’t mind him letting everything go, and more importantly, someone who didn’t take him up on a promise he made out of ignorance. “I never asked you to give me the world; it makes me happy, true, but I can do without. But I can’t without you.”
“You deserve so much more.”
“Yet I do not want more. I want this.” He places a hand on his chest, his heart beating at the touch. “If I wanted the world, I would have chosen him. But he doesn’t have your heart, so don’t lose it chasing the world for me.” A shed of tears escaped him.
“You are too good for me.” He will fight until there is nothing left of him, that is certain, and yet it would bring him comfort to know she could live without him—a peace of mind for the inevitable moment that he withers away. “I love you with all my heart, but the moment I lose everything, what will you do?”
“I’ve endured worse circumstances without anyone by my side; I don’t mind going through it once more. This time, I will at least have you.” A chuckle escapes him. Is this what unconditional love is? How could a failure ever deserve such a thing? “You think me a damsel in distress, when in truth I was doing fine on my own before you came sweeping in. You wanted me to be a princess; did you forget who I was before that?”
She smiles—a smile that could light up the world. His memory has failed him too often; why does he keep thinking that he has to do everything alone? And to act as if he has something to prove? His love for her was enough; he never needed to prove it by giving her the world. He always seems to forget that, just as he forgot that she was once Miss Independent. “Thank you for reminding me, I hope you never tire of it.”
