Clouds

I took another deep breath in the scent of the warm autumn air. But I couldn’t stop looking at the clouds, which slowly moved at the speed of light. The wind was a gentle breeze, making the scene more comfortable and enjoyable. Why can anyone else see the majesty of clouds? I grabbed my journal and sketched the sky; the aura made me want to sleep on the clouds. “Iris! Come inside! You’ve been out there for hours! Don’t you want to play Xbox with us?” Carlos moaned. I nodded no. Everyone in the past hour has been begging me to go inside. If only they were me. At some point during the day, I went back inside. Everyone was clapping and cheering. I rolled my eyes and went to my room. My pet goldfish was swimming around constantly. “Neptune, if only you knew. No one comprehends why I use clouds as an escape in my life. What’s the point of socializing if you have clouds?” I sounded stupid saying that. But I treat it like a valuable piece of treasure. A treasure that only I could keep. A soft knock was on my door. I unlocked the door, and Mom was holding a cold plate of green peas and a 1/3 of some stake. “Iris, are you sure you don’t want to join us?” she pleaded. “We’re watching Stranger Things.” I looked at the TV in my room and nodded no. My Mom slowly closed the door and whispered, “She’s shutting everyone out.”

The sky was dark as an eclipse when I woke up. It will be my first day in High School, and I should start considering my future. I started looking at the starry night sky, hoping the clouds would be up soon. Another gentle knock was coming from my door. Before I could go back to sleep, Mom opened the door. “Get up, Iris. Aren’t you excited? High School is a big change.” Why would I be happy? I don’t want to leave. I want to be with the clouds. “Yeah, change. I’m pretty sure only you are excited about that.” She giggled and pulled the blankets off my bed. “I’m serious. Get up.” but she continued laughing. I got up on my own and left the room. My reflection in the mirror, my messy brown hair, was covering my face. I walked over to the bathroom and grabbed my hairbrush, slowly straightening my hair, just like clouds do to me, making me comfortable in all my surroundings. But did I want to begin that ‘new chapter’ in my life? I have already been through a lot. Why develop more stress? “The Clouds will help you.” I kept whispering. “The Clouds will help you.” I looked in the mirror and asked myself, ”Why was I made this way?”

I felt like sitting in the car for hours, turning, stopping, or being lost. “Mom, are we there? I’m starting to become dizzy.” Mom didn’t say anything. Her attention was on driving. “Mom? Didn’t you hear me?” My voice became quiet once I said, ”Did you hear me?” We arrived at Lincoln Larrison High, where kids go inside, trying to be on time. “Iris, this is it. The start of your is the future.” What? She just started talking? I wanted to say something, but all words vanished. I left the car. Escaping from the conversation. "Wasn’t that harsh?” I put one foot in the building. It became like a scream fest. Words were rushing at once. No one had a chance to speak. I tried getting past the crowd, but it came at me. “What?” I nearly shouted. The bell rang, and so many kids hit me like the world ended. I tried to run with them, but I came last. I reached my classroom, and my eyes were staring at me. ”What should I say?” I thought. Before my mouth could open, the bell rang. I quickly found an empty seat in the middle row. A girl that looked like Regina George, but she had a bazillion bracelets on. She gave me a stink eye, which was my way of saying, ”What are you wearing?"

I didn’t demonstrate any feedback. I grabbed an old brown journal. That belonged to someone special. Someone important. Beautiful hand-written poems. My new favorite ′Clouds’ Before I could start reading it, ’Regina George snatched my journal. “Hey! Give that back!” I almost yelled. She kept flipping the pages until she reached the ‘private page’ in the journal. “What’s this? Ms. Shallow is insecure about her..” She couldn’t say anything else after. She quickly gave the journal back. Her cheeks were bright red like someone pinched her too hard. A small smirk formed on my face. Telling her, ”Do you still mess with me?”

The torture of High School hasn’t ended, and I’m never bringing my journal here again. The bell rang, and the students unhurriedly left the classroom. ‘Regina George’ still kept looking at me. What did she want? I wanted to say something, but I couldn’t say anything. ”Gosh, what was wrong with me?” I wanted to go to the bathroom to calm down, but the building was enormous. And students needed to get to class on time. I went inside the crowd, pushing everyone out of my way. I saw the bathroom in the distance. Before I could get there, ‘Reina George’ stood before me. “Listen, what you did to me was wrong,” she said aggressively. I mumbled, “What did I ever do? You started it.” Reina grabbed me from my collar and put my back on the wall. “What did you say? Speak up!” A fist was developing, but a teacher arrived before I got harmed. “Lydia! Let go of her!” she shouted. Lydia dropped me, making me smirk again. Wow, I’m good at that! “Leave her alone. She did nothing to you.” She was the same teacher from the class I’d just been in. “Thanks... I never had anyone stand up for me.” The teacher said it was no big deal. She walked away, giving me a note. I opened it. Big, bold letters were ”Pay it forward.” It was cringy but worth maintaining. The time lunch started, I looked up at the glass ceiling. There were clouds! I felt so relaxed and calm. I wasn’t looking where I was going and ran into Lydia. “Whoops! Didn’t see you, make sure to go around me.” I mumbled. Why did I say that? It wasn’t her fault! It was mine! Due to my cloud obsession, I’m getting bullied! Lydia rolled her eyes and slammed her lunch on an empty table. She wanted to yell, ”Speak up!” But she couldn’t. Gosh, I wonder where she gets her attitude from.

A table in the corner is a perfect place for me to sit. Once I sat down, I could finally write in peace. I wrote a poem called ”Rough”. It goes something like this.

ROUGH:

By: Iris Synder

First day of high school,

A new beginning, so not cool.

But as I walked through those halls,

I felt like I was going to fall.

The students rushed past me,

Like I wasn’t even there, you see.

I tried to keep my head up high,

But the bullies made me want to cry.

Their words cut deep like a knife,

Making me feel like I had no life.

I tried to ignore them and be strong,

But it felt like everything was going wrong.

My journal was my only escape,

Until Lydia made her big mistake.

She read my private thoughts out loud,

And suddenly, I was the laughing crowd.

But I won’t let them break me,

I’ll keep fighting until I’m free.

I’ll find my place in this school,

And show them that I’m nobody’s fool.

The road ahead will be rough,

But I won’t give up, that’s enough.

I’ll face the bullies with all my might,

And make it through this fight.

I felt happy about my poem. If only he is here to see it. I closed my journal and ate the cold cafeteria food, which rumors said they never warmed. The cafeteria was a noise fest. To see who could talk the noisiest. I squeezed my eyes tight, trying to avoid the noise. But it became louder and louder. I looked up in the clouds, the slow movement like a Lofi beat. I suddenly forgot about all the noise and looked at the clouds. The bell rang, and my cold taco hardly got a bite. I grabbed my backpack and followed the crowd. Soon to realize, another was forming behind me. "Get out of line! Get out of line!" a thought almost became a yell. I pushed myself out, making me the only person in the cafeteria. Well, it was worth it.

Once I reached home, a party was for me. Everyone was holding sparklers and cheering. The blasting music was the pace of my heartbeat. “Happy first day, Iris!” everyone yelled at once. My Mom seized my hand, which I tried pulling back. A vanilla cake with candles made everyone clap. “Blow it, Iris! I got it on video!” Carlos said with lots of enthusiasm. The tension on everyone, the noise, the laughing and cheering, made me run away. “Iris-” Mom started. “Save it, this extra clapping and cheering... is just..” I couldn’t complete it. I sat outside, glancing at the clouds. “Iris, please. It’s the only time you spend with us. Why do you like these ridiculous clouds? It’s-” My heart sank when she said "ridiculous clouds..″. My blood was raging with anger. My heart was thumping more quickly than ever before. I even started to hyperventilate. “Clouds... are... not... STUPID!” I punched my Mom directly in the chest. Tears gushing like a waterfall. It just made me- lose control.

I ran to my room and locked myself in. Telling myself, ”It’s time to write a poem." I grabbed a worm pencil from under my bed. I released the brown journal in the bag and sat on my bed. My hands were shaking. I never had the conception or inspiration to write. My ideas went away, and the clouds weren’t even out. I never felt this way before. I closed the journal. ”Maybe it’s not a good time to write.” Ignoring dinner, I went to bed. I still had all the anxiousness in my head. But it should be gone by tomorrow. I woke up, but the sun didn’t come out. The clouds were pure black, and rain was gushing out non-stop. I had never seen the clouds so- angry and dark. Was it me? Did I do something wrong? Or it’s God, which is just feeling a little blue? I walked inside, glancing one look at Mom. Reflecting on our ‘friendly chat’ yesterday, we didn’t talk to each other. But I waved to her, and she waved back. Until a conversation started, in which she asked about High School. “Did you socialize yet? Friends can be a good bond throughout the year. After-school clubs? Maybe Drama?” I didn’t say anything. I could never, and would never, do or be a part of these things. I looked at the time, and the clock said 7:20. “Sorry, I need to go.” I closed the door, seeing Mom’s uneasy look. I needed to figure out my problems with Mom somehow. But not now, I need space. And more time to think.

"Great, back to the dreaded hallway," I complained inside of my head. I pushed through the crowd, thinking that it was all over, but it wasn’t. My clumsy self bumped into someone, and all my books and poem journals dropped! “Listen, I’m so-” I paused. Something changed. Something felt different inside me. The temperature of my body became hot. “Don’t sweat it! First day?” I nodded no. “It’s my second, and worse. So, what do you do around these parts?” He helped me pick up my books, and then our hands touched. We started laughing, but it became different. A new feeling came to my body, and I couldn’t wait to write it out. “What’s your name? I’ll start. I’m Iris.” He let his hand out. “Jacob.” We shook hands. But held on to each other’s hands for a while, ”Gosh, awkward!" I waved goodbye, and my cheeks were red hot like I ate multiple Takis. What was up with me? I sat at my desk, forgetting about Lydia the Lizard sitting near me. I tried ignoring her, but she started a conversation with me. I locked my mouth shut like I had a big secret... but I felt like I did. “Looks like the poem girl is back! Are you going to write another poem about me?” Everyone was laughing, and I slid under my desk. I couldn’t write my feelings now, maybe when I get home.

I rushed to my bedroom and locked it. I couldn’t wait to write how I felt about Jacob. Was I experiencing love for the first time? It’s not possible. I’m always lonely and unlikable. I’m guessing it was a coincidence. I opened the journal and grabbed the nearest pencil. And my hands started to dance away.

Unthinkable Love

By: Iris Synder

Iris, oh Iris, so lost in love

Her heart flutters, like a dove

For Jacob, she feels a love so true

But her thoughts are muddled, what to do?

His smile, his eyes, his gentle touch

All the things she loves about him so much

His kindness was like a warm embrace

She longs to see his loving face

But she’s confused, and filled with doubt

Her heart and mind are in constant bout

Does he feel the same as she?

Or is it all just fantasy?

She writes in her journal, pouring out her heart

Hoping that someday they’ll never be apart

Her feelings for Jacob, so pure and bright

She hopes that he’ll feel them too, in the night

She dreams of him, under the starry sky

Wishing he’d be by her side, and never say goodbye

But she’s afraid, and filled with fear

That her love for Jacob, he’ll never hear

So Iris sits, lost in thought

Wondering if what she feels is for naught

But deep down she knows it’s true

Her love for Jacob, forever and always through

So she takes a chance and speaks her heart

Hoping that Jacob will never part

Her love for him, a precious thing

That makes her heart soar and sing

And when he hears, his heart will know

That Iris’ love for him will forever glow

As they walk hand in hand, under the moon above

Iris and Jacob, forever in love.

I blushed at how the poem turned out and looked at the clouds. And said, ”Thank You.” I put the journal away, only thinking about Jacob, me, and the clouds. I pinched myself if I was dreaming, but I wasn’t. My High School experience was becoming a fantasy or a drama novel. I’m not letting anyone destroy it, not even Lyida the Lizard. Before I could begin reading it, Mom opened the door. I quickly hid the poem journal and gave all my attention to her. “Yes? Is it dinner? I’ll be ready-” She gave me a picture. I never thought of seeing it in years. It had Mom and him. “Mom...” I sobbed. “Where-where did you find this?” Mom hugged me tight and said, “It’s going to be alright.” That ‘he/him’ is Dad. Dad was one of the most admirable people I knew. When I was little, he assembled the best life for me. We would always laugh and play and never miss a moment together. One day left for a business trip. And we heard the most terrifying news. Dad died in a car accident on the way back. It was a hit-and-run. Since that day, I never told anyone. I always became alone and kept all my feelings to myself. Locking people out, just like I heard Mom say.

I found his poems in his office, and I never knew that Dad was a poet. He would always write about his life, but one thing he loved was his admiration for clouds. Like me, who always stares at it. And watch them for hours. That’s why I use poems and clouds as an escape from the trauma from the past years. “Mom... thank you for showing me this. I never assumed I would see this photo. The past has been a mystery, but it’s time to set it all free.” For now on, no more hiding.