Lost in the Park
There is a place in a park near my home where the veil between the worlds is very thin. I have been there. I have returned, and I bear the scars that prove it. When I woke up that morning, my wife of over twenty-eight years was still not home. She had left the day before. She had needed space and time to process what I had told her a few days earlier. I had recently confessed to her a fifteen-year romantic affair that I had carried on with a woman I had known for over forty-five years. It was over now, and I had broken all contact, but my life was in turmoil and I had no way of knowing at that moment whether or not my marriage was over. I woke up angry as she was still not home. I tried once again to contact a marriage counselor, but I kept getting voicemail. My anger grew.
I checked my social media. My eldest adult child, my princess, had posted a meme about people who make their partners cry, and I felt attacked. More anger. I sent them a message. I asked them not to give up on their father. They demanded to know what I had done, assuming the worst. I wanted to explain, but they were having none of it. They finished the conversation by telling me not to hold my breath and they may or may not show up to demand an explanation. My anger was near the boiling point now, and I stormed upstairs in a rage. I yelled something vaguely intelligible at my sleeping teenage son about going for a walk and slammed my way out of the house.
My wife was not responding to my texts and my confidant, the girl with whom I had struck up an online relationship a few months prior was nowhere to be found. In a barely contained rage, I took off on foot, no destination in mind. I headed east on 13th street and then north on Oliver. I had to cool my rage and I was not sure I would be able to. The feet, then blocks began to fade behind me as I continued north along the road past the university. At least I had a destination in mind now. The park – the one my wife and I had spent many good hours in – was only a couple more miles north.
I kept walking. The anger had given me a boost of energy that I had not felt in a very long time. As I crossed the street toward the park, the brisk walk was beginning to have at least some of the desired effect. As I turned down the road that led into the heart of the park, I began to slow as my anger began to slowly abate. I reached the trailhead and breathed in deep the damp smell of fall and the tree-lined creek. I started down the familiar trail with the intent of making the circuit and maybe finding a place to sit and brood. I was still walking quickly as my energy had yet to abate. I passed the usual contingent of elderly couples, walking together, old men or women with their dogs, families with little children, young couples in love (making me scowl unreasonably) and of course, the wedding/engagement parties taking pictures along the quite picturesque creek.
I was marching along, destination unknown, when I paused at the opening to a path, I had passed many times before, but never actually bothered to investigate. I say opening because the trees here bowed over the path around five feet above me, forming more of a tunnel. The light filtering through the grey branches and sparse brown leaves infused the passage with an eerie quality that intrigued me. I stepped off the path and headed south through the tunnel of trees, toward the creek. It took only minutes to reach the end of the path where it terminated at the creek, and I stepped out on a stone outcropping, feeling the wind in my hair and beard. The air was chill, but not cold and felt actually quite refreshing. I stared down at the water, about three feet below, losing myself in the way the sun played off the ripples of the slowly moving creek.
Not sure how much time had passed, but the sun had definitely passed its zenith and was closer to the horizon than I expected. I looked back the way I had come and was surprised that though I had not come far, I could not see the main asphalt trail that I had left. I shrugged, leaving it up to the vagaries of the trail and its probable slight curvature. I did not really care. I was absorbing the energy from the natural world around me...something I did not realize was possible. Something I did not realize how much I needed. For so long, I had taken my energy, my ability to recharge from other people – from friends, family and especially my wife. It was a drain on all of them and that realization felt like a slap in the face. I sat down on the flat stone and stretched my legs out in front of me. I had fucked up royally and was at a loss as to how I was going to bounce back from this one.
I sighed heavily, closing my eyes to the glare of the sun as it shown along the path of the creek and between the trunks of the trees. I leaned back with my hands behind me – popping my back in the process. Man, I needed exercise. 2020 started so well, but when everything went to shit with Covid-19 and shutdown, I had kind of given up. I was getting fat again – not that I had ever been thin. Rapid thoughts flitted through my mind and I tried to slow them down, pick them apart. There were too many things and they resisted being pinned down. There were thoughts of ##### my former romantic partner. Surprisingly, not as much hurt there as I thought there would be. It had been such a casual thing – intense feeling, but little more. Then there were thoughts of @@@@, the young woman I had been chatting with during the long nights of COVID-19 self-isolation that had been keeping my wife and I apart. Finally, there were so many thoughts about my wife, $$$$$$. Was that over? Was there any hope? The thoughts were intertwined and difficult to pull apart, but the process was relaxing, and I could feel my heart rate steady, and my breathing becoming deep and regular.
At some point I must have fallen asleep, because when I next opened my eyes it was dark. It was very dark. No moon shown above me as if blocked by a heavy layer of dark clouds. And quiet – very quiet. There were no sounds, not even they breeze stirring the branches. But it was cold – several degrees colder than when I had sat down. I zipped up my black hoody, wishing now that I had dressed a little warmer as I secured the hood around my ears with the cloth drawstring. I pulled my phone out of my pocket, squinting my eyes at the brightness of the screen. I thumbed down the brightness and started at a plethora of missed texts and the time – 12:00 AM. Jesus, I had slept all evening and half the night. I shivered and stood up, turning the flashlight on – on my cell phone and looking around. I was quite astonished that no one had roused me. The park closed at dusk after all.
The light gleamed dully off the grey tree trunks on either side of the path as I perused the missed texts. First there were the texts from $$$$$$:
$$$$$$$: (4:17) I’m done up here. I’ll be home in a couple of hours.
$$$$$$$: (6:31) I’m home. Where the hell are you? !!!! is freaking out.
$$$$$$$: (8:00) Are you okay? Are you coming home?
$$$$$$$: (10:08) Where the hell are you! No one knows where you are! Now you’re just pissing me off. You’ll be lucky if I don’t change the locks before you come home.
$$$$$$$: (11:35) I’m going to bed. Hope you found somewhere to sleep.
Next, I checked the texts from my daughter, %%%%:
%%%%: (3:17) Fine, I’ll come over, but you better have good fucking explanation.
%%%%: (4:08) Where are you? What the fuck?
%%%%: (5:23) I’m going home. Text me if you want to talk. I can’t fucking believe you.
Then there were the texts from my son, !!!!:
!!!!: (3:31) Dad, where are you? Dani said she’s coming over and she is pissed. What the fuck happened?
!!!!: (5:37) Are you coming home? Dani is really pissed now. What are you doing? Why do you pull this shit?
!!!!: (7:09) Mom’s home and not happy. Where are you.
!!!!: (11:55) TEXT ME GODDAMN IT!!!
The family group chat also had a few messages on it. I couldn’t believe I had missed this whole thing:
$$$$$$$: (6:45) Has anyone seen Dad? He’s not answering my texts.
!!!!: (6:48) He’s not answering my texts either.
%%%%: (6:53) I don’t know, and I don’t care. I have to work.
!!!!: (7:01) Shut up %%%%, I’m worried.
$$$$$$$: (7:00) He’ll be home. He’s just being an ass.
%%%%: (7:21) Did he come home.
%%%%: (7:37) Fuck.
$$$$$$$: (10:17) ^^^^^ doesn’t know where he is. ******* doesn’t know where he is. He hasn’t talked to his sister or your granddad. I don’t know where he is. Hope he doesn’t die.
!!!!: (10:30) Not funny, mom. I’m going to look for him.
Finally, there was a single text from @@@@.
@@@@: (10:38) I’ve been asleep. Text if ya want. Bye.
I shot a text to the group chat and copied @@@@.
I waited about five minutes for a response, but when none was forthcoming, I held my phone before me and started down path back the way I’d come.
I had walked for about ten minutes along the gentle curve of the path when I realized something was wrong. I should have encountered the asphalt path about five minutes before. What the hell? I thought for a minute, trying to remember if the covered dirt path continued beyond the asphalt path. I thought perhaps it did. Did I just cross right over it? I really must be zoning. That is when my phone buzzed with a text notification.
!!!!: (12:21) Dad, thank Christ. What park?
Me: (12:22) Chisolm Creek. Great Plains.
!!!!: (12:24) The fuck? I looked there. I went all over. Do you want me to come get you?
Me: (12:25) Was off the beaten path by the creek. Yeah, meet me in the parking lot.
!!!!: (12:29) k
I turned around and headed back the way I had come. I had to have crossed the path. Ten minutes later and I was back at the creek. What the actual fuck? I must have been out of it. Sighing, I once again turned around and started back in the direction that just had to be toward the asphalt path. Ten more minutes later, my phone buzzed again with a text notification.
!!!!: (12:47) I can’t get in. The gate is locked. You’ll have to walk out to Oliver.
Me: (12:48) Um. I’ll try. I can’t seem to find the path.
!!!!: (12:51) What the fuck does that mean?
Me: (12:52) Nothing. I’ll be there in a minute.
I kept walking north. I must have misjudged the distance to the path from the creek. What other explanation could there be? Ten minutes later, I still had not found the path. Genuine fear was beginning to replace the energy I had absorbed from the surrounding park. I could feel the panic rising inside me and I clenched my teeth against it. Hastily, I texted my son.
Me: (1:01) Dude. Something is fucked up. I can’t find the path back to the parking lot.
!!!!: (1:03) What the fuck, my dude. You’ve been here like a million times.
Me: (1:04) I know. I know. It must be the way these lowered clouds are blocking out the moonlight.
!!!!: (1:07) What the hell are you talking about. You been smoking weed? There’s a full moon and the sky is clear... and it’s fucking cold.
Me: (1:09) That’s not funny. It’s cloudy as all fuck. I can’t see a goddam thing.
There was a long pause before I received the next text from my nineteen-year-old son.
!!!!: (1:14) No, Dad, it’s not. There is not a goddam cloud in the sky. Hell, I can see the streetlight at the bathroom by the parking lot from where I’m parked. What. The. Actual. Fuck.
I did not know what to say to that. The fact that he was right – there was a streetlight next to the bathroom building that stood just north of the covered picnic area that was right next to the parking lot where I had come in. Even through the trees, I should be able to see it from here. I could not. I stood there shivering looking up at the trees that bowed together over the path. I could see nothing past them, and somehow, in the light of my cell phone’s flashlight, they seemed somehow far more menacing than they did earlier that afternoon. I moved to the west side (or at least what I thought was the west side) of the path and looked at the thin, closely bunched trunks that lined the path. I wondered briefly how difficult it would be to venture through the trees, right off the path and head straight west. I knew for sure that in that way lay the parking lot and the blessed streetlight. My hopes were instantly dashed, however, when the white beam glinted from the metal of a barbed wire fence that appeared to be woven among the trunks and ran parallel to the path. What the hell? Where did that come from? Had it always been there? Did I just overlook it before? The thoughts were coming hard and fast and I recognized the rapid surge of a panic attack. That just would not do.
I my eyes, took a deep breath and rested my forehead against the rough bark of the nearest tree. I was interrupted by another text notification.
$$$$$$$: (1:27) What’s going on? !!!! Paul said something crazy about you being lost in the park. Are you drunk?
Me: (1:29) No. I am not. I’m freaked to be honest. Trying hard not to panic.
$$$$$$$: (1:30)Where are you?
Me: (1:32) Chisolm Creek park. I think. I fell asleep and now...I can’t find my way out. Wait. Is it cloudy where you are?
$$$$$$$: (1:34) What? No. I don’t think so. I’m in the basement.
Me: (1:36) Never mind. I need to think.
There was another pause while I stood there in the eerie silence. Then I got two notices almost simultaneously.
!!!!: (1:45) I’m coming to get you.
$$$$$$$: (1:45) !!!! parked his car in the drive, in front of the gate and is coming to find you. Stay where you are.
Me: (1:48) Okay. I hope he can.
After that, my phone went silent for a long time. I stood there for a few minutes. Eventually I turned off the flashlight to conserve the charge, and I sat down on the dirt path with back against a tree. I had to think, but the rising panic was making that difficult. I opened my eyes as wide as they would go, but the darkness was complete. I have remarkable night vision, never need a nightlight when I wake in the middle of the night, but I could not see my hand in front of my face. I tried, multiple times, but no amount of blinking or rubbing my eyes made any difference whatsoever. The darkness was absolute.
I have never been afraid of the dark. I have never suffered from what one would consider traditional fears – even during childhood. Instead, I suffered from crippling anxiety that manifested in the form of an existential fear that was unnamable. So, the darkness surrounding me did not frighten me, but because it was so entirely impenetrable, I had no idea what might lie beyond the darkness – and that terrified me. I am not sure how long I sat there before I realized the silence was absolute as well. I realized I was holding my breath and let it out loudly as I cleared my throat. The noise was ridiculously loud, but at least I knew I was not deaf. I tried to slow my breathing and that helped some. At least with the medication that I was taking, the anxiety was not becoming overwhelming. When I took my phone out of my pocket and activated the screen, I saw that it was nearly 2:30. Even dimmed, the light from my phone seemed incredibly bright in the darkness surrounding me yet revealed little. There were no additional messages and I thought of sending another text, but hesitated. It had been almost forty-five minutes. How had !!!! not found me yet?
I stood up, bones creaking with cold-aggravated arthritis. It was very cold, even with my hoodie zipped up to my chin and the hood tied tight around my head. I realized I was shivering. Slowly I thumbed a text in the group chat.
!!!! where are you?
!!!!: (2:35) Where are you? Been all over the park and I can’t find you!
$$$$$$$: (2:36) You haven’t found him yet?
!!!!: (2:36) He’s not in the fucking park. Dad, where are you?
I turned on my phone’s flashlight again and shined it in all directions. I was still on the covered path, trees on the east and west, darkness extending north and south.
Me: (2:40) Where that path goes south to the creek. You know, the path that looks like a tunnel.
!!!!: (2:41) Dad. I’ve been down that path twice. All the way to the creek and back. You are not there. What is going on?
I had to think. That did not make any sense. Whatwasgoing on?
$$$$$$$: (2:43) Are you sure you are at Chisolm Creek?
Me: (2:45) I think so, but I’m really beginning to wonder. !!!!, go down the path again. Meet me at the creek.
!!!!: (2:46) ’k
I turned toward what I assumed was south and made my way hastily south, the beam of light bouncing before me. It took me a little more than fifteen minutes to reach the creek once again, but !!!! was not there yet and I breathed a heavy sigh of relief that at least the creek was still there. I sat down on the flat stone once more and pointed my light back down the path as I texted my son.
Me: (3:03) I’m here. Are you close?
There was a long three-minute pause before he responded, and I grew extremely concerned.
!!!!: (3:06) Dad. I am here. I’m standing on the flat stone that overlooks the creek.
That was impossible. If that were true, !!!! would be standing right on top of me. I did not know what to say. Something was very wrong.
$$$$$$$: (3:07) Did you find him? Did he find you?
Me: (3:08) No.
!!!!: (3:08) No.
Me: (3:10) !!!!, go home. I have to figure this out. You are not going to find me.
!!!!: (3:10) I’m not going anywhere.
Me: (3:11) !!!!. Go. Home.
$$$$$$$: (3:11) I’m calling the police.
Me: (3:12): OK.
That was my last text for a very long time. I did not know what happened. I did not what the police would find. What I did know, that five minutes after I sent the last text, my phone beeped, and I looked down and saw that I no longer had a signal. I had gone from five bars to zero bars in an instant – without moving. The battery indicator showed that I still had approximately a fifty percent charge. I did not know what was going on, but I had a bad feeling that I was not in Kansas anymore.
