Chapter 1. A Glimmer
Marcella had shut up her heart for good. Losing her husband, Mitchell, had broken her. They had been together a year, married for almost five months of that time. Then, tragedy had struck. He had been killed in a car accident. The love of her life was gone in a flash. At least she had kissed him goodbye that day. They had exchanged ’I love you’s at the door. They had that at least. Her best friend Sofia had been able to pull her out of her depression and get her back into some semblance of her old life. Sofia who had similarly lost a husband and daughter to an accident and who Marcella had helped encourage to start dating again after she had found Mitchell, had found love again in her new husband, Richard. She had been their bride’s maid at their small wedding a few months before her own marriage.
The wedding, ironically, was where she had met Jonathan, Richard’s college friend who had drugged her with the intention of raping her after the reception. Marcella had managed to get away thanks in large part to Sofia’s older brother, Robert. Robert had taken her home that night, drugged out of her mind and put her to bed.
They had always been friends, but they had bonded over that moment, Marcella had been so grateful to have him as a friend. They had gone out together with Sofia to London a few times, but she didn’t know much about his life except what Sofia shared with her from time to time. After Mitchell died, she had hardly gone out of her apartment, let alone made the trip to London as she once had.
The problem was her life was merely trudging along. She didn’t take much joy in things. She knew Mitchell was looking down on her, particularly on a beautiful sunny day and particularly when she was out in nature as they had both liked to share. She was still giving wildlife and birding tours of Sherwood forest and other tourist spots near her home in Nottingham as she had when she’d met Mitchell, but her heart was broken and empty. Life, although she had made the most of it, was just not very vibrant to her any more.
Her tours were more popular in the fall with the changing colors of foliage that brought so many tourists to the area, as well as in spring and summer. Now that winter was nearly upon them, her business was slow. Some days, she didn’t bother changing out of her pajamas.
One day, her doorbell rang making her jump. Usually, the gate buzzer would need to go off first before someone got to the door of her flat. She wasn’t expecting anyone and might have ignored it, but it buzzed a couple more times and she became curious. Luckily, this day she had changed into some decent clothes and remembered to comb her long chestnut hair.
She unlatched the door, undid the lock and the dead bolt and opened the door to see Robert, Sofia’s brother, standing in her doorway. She had forgotten how tall and good-looking he was. There was a little gray in his dark brown hair and his eyes crinkled a little as he smiled.
“Hi, Marcella. Sorry, I got through the gate when someone else came through,” he said, looking out of place in what looked like a fine suit and coat.
“Oh, Rob, I… I didn’t realize you were in town. Sofia didn’t mention…,” Marcella started.
“Oh, well. It was last minute. I didn’t tell her.”
“Oh.” She looked at him as they stood awkwardly in the door. A cold breeze blew into her flat through the open door. She shook her head. “I’m sorry. Do come in and get out of the cold. Would you like some tea?”
“No. That’s not necessary.” He stepped in and put his coat on a hook at the door for the purpose and wiped his smart shiny shoes on her doormat.
“Oh, it’s no trouble.” Marcella shut the door, then hurriedly went into her kitchen to put on a kettle to boil. She pulled out two mugs and set them on the bar area where she usually sat to eat her meals by herself which she could reach from inside the kitchen through an open portion of the wall. Then she went back out to Robert who was leaning on her bar counter, watching her carefully.
He looked spooked somehow, so she went up to him, touched his arm and said, “What’s wrong?”
He sighed and looked at her squarely. “Look, I know you’ve been unhappy.” Marcella gasped. She wanted to back up to get away from the memories this discussion could bring on, but there was only a stool behind her. “Sofia told me about Mitchell and his passing. I am so sorry for your loss.” She closed her eyes and pulled herself up into the stool and sat. Her breathing was unsteady. Sitting on the stool gave her a little more room away from him, but now when she opened her eyes she was level with his face and looking more directly at him. “I’ve waited… I wanted to…” He took a deep breath. “I want to invite you to stay with me in my flat in London, get away. Maybe this weekend? You could come Thursday night, or Friday, whichever day you can. I know you don’t give many tours during the winter. Maybe it will do you some good. It’s been, what, over two years?”
Marcella looked away from him into her apartment not seeing her living room and tried to think about his offer, but the memories of her lost life were starting to funnel back. These always threaten to stifle her, gag her, and hide her away, maybe forever. Her heart still felt empty inside her. How could he know that she would never feel anything again? How could she explain this to him? As she turned back to him, Robert had pulled in close to her, between her legs and against the stool.
She blinked and took a breath, mind rushing to find the right words as she looked into his eyes. They were a blue with dark blue around the edges. He smelled nice of some expensive body wash. Then he moved forward very slowly and kissed her lips. She closed her eyes. His lips were warm and gentle and she found herself responding to him.
He didn’t touch her elsewhere, only their lips met and their chests where they brushed together. As the kiss deepened, Marcella felt something stir inside her. Something she didn’t think she would feel again, ever. How long they kissed, she could not have said.
Robert broke away and looked at her. Her eyes were still closed. When she opened them, she found she still could not find the right words. She couldn’t tell how long they looked at each other, but suddenly, he pulled away and said, “I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have come.” He turned and strode away.
“Wait,” she said, her voice was barely a croak, and it was too late. The door was swinging closed behind him. She reached out to where he had been. She could still smell the nice body wash in the air. “Wait,” she said again more clearly. She was staring off after him still shocked at the glimmer of feeling she had felt stirring. The whistle of the kettle brought her back to the present and she jumped up to turn it off. Shaking her head to herself, she ran out her door to the gate, but it was well and truly too late. He was nowhere to be seen. ‘What is my problem?’ she thought. ‘What is wrong with me? Did I just ruin that? Did I want to ruin that?’
She shook her head to clear it. She would have to think things over - very carefully.
Something shifted within Marcella that day. It wasn’t a replacement of feeling or a rebirth of feeling. It was decidedly something different. ‘It is lesser,’ she thought to herself sadly. But she suddenly felt it needed pursuing. A glimmer is something. She felt lighter inside somehow. ‘Is this what happiness feels like? Surely, I haven’t forgotten it?.’
Clearly Robert’s visit had not gone well. She hadn’t said a word and he’d just left. Well, perhaps she could salvage the situation. Had he really invited her for this weekend? She flipped through her calendar of upcoming appointments.
“Darn!” She had a small travel conference coming up that weekend. Between setting up the booth and manning it she would not have a bit of free time. If only she had been able to react while he was here and not sit like a blob. She sighed. Well, it was up to her to get back to him. She made up her mind and when she’d worked up her courage, she called him. Unfortunately, he didn’t pick up and she had to leave a message. She was flustered but thought she had gotten her message across in the end…
“Er… hi, Robert. Uhm… this is Marcella. I was hoping to catch you in, well… anyway…. I just… I needed to talk to you about when you came to Nottingham, to my flat, to see me. So… I’m sorry, but I can’t come to London this weekend. I just can’t and I hope that… well, I was hoping that we could… well, postpone until the week after. I already had a commitment this weekend that I can’t get out of, but I could come next week. There’s a train that would get me into London around 7 on Thursday. I’ll meet you then, unless it’s a bad time for you — just let me know. Otherwise, I’ll see you later…. Bye!”
Marcella put the phone down hurriedly, her heart pumping. Marcella heaved a big sigh of relief. She had rambled a bit, but she got there in the end. ‘I probably should have called back right away. No, no, it’s okay. I needed to think things over and not take this lightly. This is alright. It’s only a couple days later after all,’ she reassured herself.
Later that day… Robert was surprised to see a message waiting for him on his home answering machine. He was just settling himself down with a whisky after a long day at the office. He was doubly surprised when he recognized Marcella’s number on the recording. She may not have my cell number, he thought, idly. He pushed the button to start it and tensed as he heard her voice wavering on the recording. ‘I can guess what this will be about,’ he thought sourly. When it got to where she said she wouldn’t be able to come, he huffed. “… I just can’t and I hope…” he clicked it off.
“…and I hope we can still be friends.” Robert finished. “God, I was such a fool! She’s a beautiful young woman and I… she probably thinks of me as a kindly father figure. Oh, well, with the merger moved up I’d hardly have time for her. It was a silly idea anyway.” He groaned to himself and took some little comfort in his drink as it slid silkily down his throat. “Women!” he shook his head thinking he had enough to do without worrying over the fairer sex.
