Des Parados

"I know all your tricks, sunshine, now stay right there and don't move, y'here!" Sean shouted to a woman who was curled against the far side of the kitchen floor. The young man slowly backed into the living room, his revolver pointed at her before quickly rushing up the stairs.

The closer he made his way up the louder a moan could be heard echoing down the hall.

"Oh for the love of… Clancy! Clancy we gotta go!" Sean yelled. He continued down to the source of the noise, standing just behind the door.

"Hey! Hey shit for brains, I'm talking to you!" Sean once again hollered out while the walls rocked and swayed.

After a moment an exasperated voice responded. "J-just give me five more minutes…" alongside another moan from a woman.

"Are you fucking crazy! We ain't got five minutes, the sheriff's on his way!" Sean said while looking down the hall. He'd tighten his grip on his gun and reach down to the door knob, trying to open it but the door was locked.

"Oh I'm fucking alright. So what if he shows up, I'll smoke him all the way 'till Sunday!" Clancy shouted back. The moaning would stop for a moment. "Now baby, y'know I'm just joking…"

Sean banged his gun against the door.

"Don't make me come in there, I said we gotta go now!"

"Well fuck me alright I'm coming, okay! At least let me put on some pants. Hey baby, I really enjoyed your company tonight, but I gots to go."

The floorboards creaked as Clancy made his way to the door, jiggling the handle until it swung open. He'd lean into the doorframe with his arms stretched out.

"Pardon me Miss Mary, if I'd a known we'd be getting some room service I'd have freshened up more." He smiled at Sean with a toothy grin.

But the young man's face was as red as a cherry, absolutely livid. He'd look past Clancy to see the woman laying in a messy bed. Her focus on trying to light a cigarette.

"What? Oh, you musta wanted some too. Well say no more pal, all you had to do was ask. Causing all that fuss." Clancy tapped Sean's chest before stepping forward to leave the room. He wasn't wearing a shirt and his pants were hardly on right.

"I knew this wasn't a good idea, I just knew this wasn't a good idea." Sean shook his head.

"Hold on. What's got you so worked up, man? All I did was a little love making. That ain't a crime."

"But fucking the sheriff's daughter in broad daylight might as well be!" Sean shouted at the top of his lungs, spit flying out his mouth.

Clancy would raise his hands in the air, getting defensive. "It was your idea, Sean, why're you mad at me?"

"Because I was joking! I wasn't expecting you to win her over!" He said. Soon headed to the stairs.

"Hold on just a minute. See you around!" Clancy waved at the woman. "Well that's your fault for underestimating Bulls Eye Clancy. Why are we in a rush?" He'd quickly follow behind Sean.

The two would go down the steps and be in the living room.

"Well, as I was waiting down 'ere, the sheriff's wife came home, and obviously freaked out seeing a strange man on her furniture. Drinking a cold beer—"

Clancy's casual stride dropped after hearing this, the young man grabbing Sean by the collar.

"What in the hickory fuck did you do?"

"I panicked, okay! I tried to explain that we were friends of Sally, Samantha, whatever her damn name is—"

"Her name's Susanne!"

"Doesn't matter! Either way, she was cool at first, telling me that she was gonna make me a sandwich for my drink, went to the kitchen, and I caught her calling the sheriff on the phone."

"So you shot the sheriff's wife?!?" Clancy screamed. Shaking Sean back and forth.

"N-no! Of course not! I don't shoot women, period!" The young man yelled back. "All I did was smack her with my gun."

Clancy dropped his buddy and ran to the kitchen to see the woman holding her head on the floor. Wincing in pain.

"C'mon Clancy, we gotta leave before the sheriff gets here!"

The two men would look at each other, both having fear in their eyes. "Fine!"

They ran to the front door, racing out the house to the end of the front yard until the two both stopped. Ducking behind a car that was parked in the driveway.

A shotgun fired into the air, echoing around. Clancy would peek out to see the sheriff standing next to his mailbox. Still in uniform with shades over his eyes.

"You mind telling me why you boys were in my house?" He said rather plainly.

Clancy's eyes widened as he looked at Sean. "Fuck man, he's already pissed off. You think I should tell him the truth, or would that make it worse?"

"You boys coming up with a plan back there? I assure you, the longer you wait the more holes I'ma load in you. Y'got 'till three. One…" He cocked his long gun. "Two…"

"Alright, sheriff, we yield okay! We were just passing on through and saw some strangers snooping around. So we took it upon ourselves to chase 'em off!"

The sheriff raised an eyebrow and chuckled to himself. "Oh really? My bad boys, I didn't realize I had a bunch of heroes on my hands! Tell me, what did they look like, these strangers."

Clancy spoke up, following along.

"Well… for starters, they were about as dark as that tire, a-and tall as that tree right there. Unlike us! We ain't nothing but some 'orry fish sticks!"

"Mhmm, sorry's right." The sheriff grinned. "Don't worry I believe you boys, come on out here so we can take this inside."

Sean poked his head out from behind the car. "Y-you're not gonna shoot us?"

The sheriff lowered his shotgun to his side.

"Now why would I do that, you just told me who my culprits were! My wife was damn near dying on the phone trying to get a hold of me. Now get on out so I can get a better description."

The two glanced at each other and slowly stood up from behind the car. Both of their hands raised in the air for the sheriff to see.

"Well I'll be damned, it must be a coincidence seeing you two knuckleheads again. But I suppose I'll just let the past be for now, come on we ain't got all day. Them boys could be gone before sundown." The sheriff would take a step towards his house.

Sean would step out first, regaining his composure and confidence while Clancy stepped out alongside him. They'd both have a smile on their faces— until Clancy noticed the sheriff had stopped walking.

"What's the matter, sheriff?" Sean asked.

"Nothing really, I just have a question for you there with no shirt… Why are you wearing my daughter's slippers?"

Sean looked down feeling like he had just thrown up a ghost. "Ah… Shit," the young man next to him whispered under his breath.

"I guess I was in a rush and grabbed the wrong shoes," Clancy laughed, but the sheriff couldn't even respond as a woman's voice came through the front door. Everyone turned to see the sheriff's wife leaning against the wall for support. Her hand was still on her head.

"Don't listen to them, they almost killed me!"

The two men would duck behind the car again as the sheriff shouted at his wife to get back inside. He then fired at them, shooting the back of the car and shattering the side window.

"You laid a hand on my wife! I'll kill you sorry sons of bitches!" The sheriff howled like a wolf. Firing another shot.

Sean would take out his revolver and shoot out in the open, hitting nothing.

"You've got it wrong Doc, all we did was pat pat her with a gun!" Clancy shouted over the yells of the sheriff while he patted himself down.

"Fuck me, I left my gun upstairs."

The young man would dash out from the cover of the car, getting focused by a spray of slugs.

"Where the hell are you going?" Sean yelled, firing another shot at the sheriff who was behind a tree. The young man ran after Clancy who was running to the back of the house.

"What the fuck are you doing!"

"I'm getting my gun back, I can't leave without it!"

"J-just use my gun, I'll buy you a new gun for fuck sake!"

"Ion want your shitty gun, I want mine!" Clancy ran beneath the upstairs window. Trying to get Susanne's attention.

"Hey baby, baby I think I left my gun in your room. Can you toss it to me?"

"You're fucking crazy!" Sean yelled, firing another shot at the front of the house. The sheriff was still yelling in the background.

Clancy watched as the window opened up.

"Why should I?" The woman said, blowing smoke out the window.

Flabbergasted, the young man threw his hands up in the air. "Because it's mine… sweetheart!"

She narrowed her eyes at him, going for another puff. "You gonna marry me?"

Sean looked back, stumped by what he was hearing. "What the—?"

"The fuck would I know, baby, we just met! I wouldn't be against it but decisions like that take some time to think over!"

She'd lift her hand, dangling a silver peacemaker out the window.

"Sounds like an excuse to me, and my daddy sure is angry."

"Just give me my gun, that thing ain't a toy, it could kill somebody."

"Sure can…" she'd say, before ducking as Sean fired a shot near the window. Causing her to drop the gun.

"There!" The young man screamed, "Now let's get a move on! The cars this way!"

Clancy went to pick up his gun, looking up one more time to see Susanne with a fist in the air.

"Go to hell, Clancy! You better hope I don't get pregnant! I'll find your sorry ass!"

Meanwhile he just waved her a kiss. Beaming at her. "Yeah, well good luck with that, baby! I shoot blanks!"

Clancy would follow after Sean as they both swung around back to the front of the house. With the sheriff nowhere to be seen.

"Quickly!" Sean yelled. The man ran out of the driveway and down the road to a car that was parked on the other side. By the time Clancy made it to the passenger seat, they could see the sheriff exiting his house with a rifle in hand, aiming at their car.

"Get down!" Sean screamed. Both ducking. The windshield shattered as he started the car.

"You think I won't chase you down!" The sheriff yelled. He'd charge the rifle again, now running out of his driveway.

Sean floored the gas pedal which jerked the car forward and another shot was fired, followed by a scream as the sheriff fell to the ground holding his arm. Clancy smirked and blew at the tip of his gun.

"Hold on, partner, stop the car…"

"Well ain't that something, you got him!" Sean glanced at his rear view mirror. Then turned to Clancy with a crazed expression. "What is it now?" He huffed. Slowing down to a halt.

"It's just one more thing, I promise. Hey sheriff, your wife's an ugly bat and I fucked your daughter real good! Drive, Sean, Drive!"