NO TURNING BACK

gladys

I released a sigh as I stepped out of the office and directly into a chilly gust of wind. Shivering, I pulled the front of my coat tighter around me.

Despite being a Colorado resident for three years now, my body still wasn't quite adjusted.

"Gwen, wait!"

I paused and turned to face the voice. A coworker of mine, Jesse, stood in the doorway.

"Sorry, I meant to grab you before you stepped out, but I got stuck in an exam room," she said.

"No problem." I smiled. "What's up?"

"That Halloween party at the bar is tonight. Wanted to see if you were interested? It would mean so much to me if you were my plus one!"

Damn, I forgot about that. She asked me a few weeks ago and I told her I'd think about it.

I made of habit of dodging social outings and anything that risked bringing people too close. Automatic deflections and excuses were just instinct now after resigning myself to live in the shadows.

Unlike usual, however, I struggled to feed her my usual excuse. Typically, I said I had to take care of my sickly father.

Uncle Ben thought it was hilarious that I used him as an excuse, especially because he was in better health than me most days.

No one ever tried to get around it or talk me out of it. They just took my obstinance as daughterly obligation. It was basically foolproof.

But it only worked if I got the freaking words out.

"I don't know . . ." I bit my lip. "I'm pretty tired."

Jesse pressed her palms together in prayer. "Girl, please! I'm begging now. I can't go alone. I'll get preyed on by some creep."

I took a deep breath. Jesse would be fun to go out with. I deserved a little break after being on lockdown for so long.

Besides, she said she needed me. I didn't want her to go out alone—what if something happened to her? I'd feel horrible.

"Please, please, please," Jesse begged.

Chuckling, I nodded. "Okay. Text me the details?"

"Hell yeah!" She pumped her fist. "I can just pick you up, if you want. We can carpool."

"Sure, that works," I said. A more genuine smile filtered across my face. Now that my mind was made, I was excited.

She winked. "See you later! And wear something sexy!"

I waved her off and rolled my eyes. She retreated into the dental office as I headed down the sidewalk.

It had been years since I'd gone out with friends. The last friend I had was Megan and that was years ago now.

I thought about her sometimes. I wondered if she tried to find me, or if she ever even noticed my disappearance.

I thought about the only other friend I'd ever had, Brant. My least expected ally, captain of the football team and valedictorian.

I'd looked him up online once but he deleted all of his social media. I worried something happened to him until I saw saw he updated his LinkedIn a few weeks later. He worked for his father's company now.

I wondered what he did when he never heard back from me. How long did he try to find me before letting go?

Not being able to say goodbye to anyone when I left with Uncle Ben was probably one of the hardest things I've ever had to do. I regretted leaving every day.

I was doing the best I could with what I had, but my life was not the same as it was. And it wasn't even that incredible before. I just wanted to be happy and it felt like happiness would never again be in my cards.

Shaking off the self-pity, I sucked in a breath and focused on the pavement under my feet. I was about halfway home when the hair on my arms stood straight up. The feel of heavy eyes on me made my heart jump.

I glanced around to survey my surroundings, my fingers itching to grab the small switchblade in my purse. I didn't see anyone, though. The small town roads were busy with Friday night rush hour traffic.

My legs burned as I increased my pace. I just wanted to get back to the house already. I usually enjoyed the walk to and from work. It gave me time to mull over the day and be outside for a little while.

The oddly familiar sense of being followed draped over me like a wet blanket. I bit my lip, cursing all the memories that resurfaced at the thought.

He's in prison, I reminded myself. Where he will continue to be for another seven years. He's not here. He never will be here.

Hot tears pricked at my eyes. I gritted my teeth and angrily wiped the wetness away.

Soon, I reached our modest two-story suburban cottage in the back of our modest suburban neighborhood. Like everyone else, our lawn was neatly clipped, the hedges trimmed, the sidewalks freshly pressurized.

Our home looked like every other cookie-cutter residence in a five-mile radius. Which, I guess, was exactly the point.

Ben was seated on the couch as I closed and locked the door behind me. He lifted his beer to me in salute.

"Hey," I said with a small smile.

My mind was now focused on strategically planning the win to this argument we were undoubtedly about to have.

"How was work, kiddo?" he asked.

"Fine." I shrugged. "You?"

He rolled his eyes. "Fine. It's always fine."

"Well, it is," I said.

"How about 'good' or 'slow' or 'really shitty' or even 'fucking fantastic'?"

I gave him a flat look. "It was a standard, perfectly average day. Sounds like yours was not, though."

Kicking off my shoes, I plopped down on the couch beside him.

"No," he said a bit too quickly.

“Now who’s lying?” I challenged him.

He crossed his arms defensively. Before he could feed me some excuse, my phone dinged with a text.

I leaned over to pull the device out of my pocket and saw a text.

JESSE: picking you up at 7. text me your address pls

7? Shit, that meant I only had like an hour to get ready.

Tucking my phone away, I glanced at Ben and realized he was giving me his famous pretentious look.

"What?" I said.

"Who're you texting?"

"No one," I sighed. "Tell me about your day."

"I wasn't born yesterday, Gwen," he reported. I grimaced at the name.

I hated when he called me that. I knew he had no choice in public, but I despised hearing it behind closed doors. He knew it got on my nerves, too.

"And it is my business, actually," he tutted. "Don't want you getting any fancy ideas that might put either of us at risk."

Might as well just get this part over with.

"I'm hanging out with her tonight," I said.

Both of his wiry gray brows shot up. "Oh, you are, are you?"

"Yes," I said calmly, "I am."

"Well, I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but no, you're not. You're gonna stay in this house where I can keep my peepers on you."

"I don't need your peepers on me. I've played it painfully safe for years now. I can go out with my one barely friend one time."

"And one time turns into two times which turns into five times which turns into someone finding out something they're not supposed to."

I shook my head. "It's not like that. I have no interest in going out. This is just for Halloween."

"Sure," he snorted.

"Come on, Uncle Ben," I said. "I'm 21. I've wasted two years of my twenties working and doing absolutely nothing else. I don't have a social life and I'm in the prime of my life. I just want to get out, this once."

"It's too dangerous."

"I disagree. It's been three years. We're safe here. No one is ever going to find us." I knew my last words sounded bitter so I tried to mask it with a deep breath. "Look, I'll have my phone on me. I'll update you every hour so you know I'm alive."

"No."

I rolled my eyes and stood up. "I don't even know why I try to reason with you," I muttered, storming off to my bedroom.

I went straight to my closet to find something to wear. Because fuck that.

I'd been playing it safe for a long time now and my goddamn soul was shriveling up. I hardly even recognized myself anymore.

Realizing I didn't have a single even remotely sexy thing in my closet, I yanked a handful of hangers out and threw them on the ground. I wanted to stomp on them but instead, I cried.

I sat down on the edge of the bed and pushed my face into my hands.

What am I doing? What kind of life is this?

He was the one in jail, yet I’d lived every day since him like a prisoner. I might have been physically free but I was still emotionally and mentally and legally enslaved to the past.

When I lifted my head from my hands, I jumped at seeing a figure in my periphery. Ben raised his hands in surrender.

“Didn’t mean to scare you,” he said from where he leaned against the threshold of my room.

His face and body language were surprisingly relaxed. His eyes even glimmered with something that looked like guilt.

“Look, I’m sorry,” he told me. “Can I come in?”

I nodded. He walked over and sat down beside me. Wrapping his arm around my shoulders, he pulled me into his side. My eyes burned but I refused to let any more tears fall.

“I’m always so focused on survival that I forget you’re still just a kid,” he said. “You haven’t gotten to live, really at all. And I’m sorry for that. I know none of this is your fault.”

My chest felt heavy with disagreement but I said nothing. I felt responsible for everything, even though, logically, I knew it didn’t make sense.

He pulled away and tilted my chin up. His eyes were smiling, which was a rare occasion on all accounts.

“Go and have fun,” he said. “But be safe. I want one text each hour, so set an alarm or something on your phone. Don’t get too friendly with anybody. If you run into trouble, call me. Okay?”

A watery smile filled my cheeks. “Really?”

“Yeah, kiddo. Really.”

I threw my arms around him and buried my face into his neck. “Thank you.”

He chuckled and patted my back. “Don’t thank me for letting you leave the house. It makes me feel like you’re my hostage.”

I pulled back while we both chuckled.

“I’ll let you get ready,” he said and left my room.

I took a deep breath and then nodded to myself. I had nothing to wear and had no idea how I would do my hair or makeup with what limited things I had, but it didn’t matter.

I was leaving my little prison and I was going to give myself the best fucking night of my life.