Chapter 1
Madison
The floor is made up of a glistened marble, more like my damp eyes that ran out of tears, bright and lonely. The amount of times I wished not to live, not to breathe was not more than the ones filled with beautiful moments, the moments that could make me believe in the sincerity of a soft smile and hug. Because I knew for a fact that the only thing that could take me out of this gutter was some time. It has always been the way it was, actually. I always waited for these moments to come to an end, even though I had no clue about what was waiting for me. It was either followed by an ebullient mood or a softer type of depression.
Today is one of them. I am desperately waiting for this to end. I am tired, hopeless, and full of hatred. I hated God for putting me in such a condition where I couldn't be myself. I am not myself for most of the time. I don't hate God anymore though, neither my parents because I am more than tired. It feels as though if I search for more truths and reasons, the more I will lose my mind and eventually that would make us two. Me and the monster inside me. She is the craziest creature I've ever known.
'Madison, where are you?' my mom shouts across the hallway.
'In my room. I don't feel like eating.' I reply even though she practically didn't ask any questions but I know she meant the dinner thing.
The footsteps of my mom's high-heeled shoes echo through the walls as she makes her way into my room. The sound kinda of relaxes me but I don't admit it.
'Honey, I am not gonna be home tonight. I will be with some friends. You can put the food in the microwave if you feel like eating. It is your favorite. ' she leans over to kiss me on the cheeks and I don't pull back, I don't feel like making a fuss about it. I let her kiss me.
'You don't have to lie, Mom. It's okay for me. You can date whoever you want. It's not like my dad died yesterday. It's been years, you are free to enjoy your life.' I say, even though she tries to interrupt me amidst the sentence.
I am too much accustomed to her gestures, I almost know them by heart. She always takes a deep breath when her little secrets are revealed which is what she is doing now, then softly opens her eyes so that she can see me entirely, more like she is ashamed, and finally starts to bite her lower lip.
No, mom. You deserve everything. You deserve to feel happy.
'How do you know that?' she finally says.
'I accidentally eavesdropped you while you were talking over the phone...Come on, it is cool, go live your fucking life. It is really good to see you smile.'
'Okay, but have to promise me, you will be happy too, my little baby.' she says and I nod vigorously.
Because I know I never will.
