Prologue
If many things can be changed in this world, then there must also be something that will never change. And the answer to that is ‘me’. I am something that will never change.
Let me tell you the story about us - an unnecessarily long and unbearable story that involved two pointedly foolish individuals.
We were like fire and ice; the north and south pole; as different as chalk and cheese; need I say more? We were just that incompatible. And yet, like an unbreakable curse, we kept crossing paths as if we owe each other a fortune in our previous lives, like two strangers meeting at the subway station every day, never engaging in conversation, simply going about their lives with a defined purpose.
He spoke right from his heart and I responded with words that contradicted my own feelings. I was a bad liar, and he was as dumb as a post. He hated me with a passion and I wished I could hate him the same way. He was the person who gave me the most pain and the person I wanted to forget most. He was a nuisance - the annoying bit of gum that got caught in your shoe and wouldn’t come off. But towards the end of it all, I still loved him.
Like the hands of a clock that can’t be stopped, I ended up flowing with time.
Not knowing where we started, we strolled together towards the boundary facing the sky. The road behind us seemed to drift away, but I didn’t feel compelled to turn around. After all, I was the type of person who never looked back to see what I dropped behind.
I know I should’ve just run away when I had the chance, should’ve pretended not to have noticed, but life isn’t a game and it’s not like I can restart it now.
Ah, to hell with it all!
My name is Zenjee. I already know how weird my name sounds so there’s no need to point it out to me. I’m a twenty year old third-year university student, pursuing B. Tech in Architecture Engineering. What a bland way to introduce oneself, I know, but it’s the only thing I recall learning from an English teacher in my first year of university. Everything that comes in the subsequent years is a complete blackout to me. Did I also mention I have short-term memory loss? I do, but I haven’t tried going to a doctor. Waste of time and money.
In addition to being a social reject and a profoundly introverted, misanthropic weirdo, I am also a freelance ghost-writer and a horror enthusiast. Mangas, manhwas, and dramas are just a handful of things I cannot live without. Why? Because they give me ideas for my next book, but being a ghost-writer doesn’t help much. Well, I don’t mind as long as I get paid. Clients bring money, hence making them satisfied is my number one priority. But that doesn’t stop me from concocting my own fantasies.
Just like any normal GIRL, let me repeat, just like any normal girl, I dream of having that perfect life someday: getting a wonderful caring husband, building a family, and finding my own happiness. Well, that was like ten years ago, when my mom was still alive. I don’t recall ever being in a relationship; that’s right, I’ve never been in one. I don’t even have the time to worry about getting myself a guy right now, not when I have no idea where the hell I’m going with my life.
The third year of university is by far the most intense period of my counterproductive life. The only reason I’m not going nuts is because I have two, very rare, exotic friends, with me. Yes, I’m also blatantly surprised that someone like me can make friends. Maybe I’m not that much of an emo, lonely freak after all.
Madilyn and Nadia are the only ones who truly understand me, who don’t roll their eyes at me when I say studying is like a seasonal allergy for me, the kind that lasts a lifetime. My other not-so-close classmates say I exaggerate, that I whine too much about how unfair life is, and still manage to get good grades enough to make me well known in the department of Architecture. But they don’t know; the thing that depresses me the most in this world is studying. I crammed my way through high school, now cramming through university; it’s not easy, and most people don’t get it. But I’m not going to waste my time here moaning about my useless academics because that’s completely irrelevant. I don’t want to indulge in my dreams, job prospects, or my future at the moment. Just thinking about it gives me a headache.
Anyways, that matter is history. Now, coming to the point, and this is the part where it gets really annoying. What frustrates me most is when people don’t realize that I’m a girl.
I’M A GIRL, NOT A GUY, NOT A TOM! STOP MISTAKING ME FOR ONE CAUSE I AIN’T EVER GOING TO CHANGE THE WAY I AM JUST BECAUSE YOU THINK I LOOK AND DRESS LIKE ONE!
I wish people would stop putting a label on gender. Does it matter who we choose to be? Can’t I have the freedom to discover my own gender identity without allowing others to influence my decisions? Is it important whether I’m straight, bi, gay, or any other sexual orientation? Maybe these are questions I’ll never get an answer to.
I wear baggy jeans and dark hoodies. So what? I pick clothes from the boy’s section at stores. I wear them because they’re comfortable and I feel good in them. I don’t mind the weird stares people give me behind my back. Why should I be concerned? It’s not like I’m hurting anybody. It’s not like I’m running around with a gun killing anybody! So why-? Ugh, it’s frustrating.
Everything in my life was going well until HE came into the picture.
Everything in my life came crumbling down the pit when HE entered the scene, and I began to question my existence.
Who am I referring to? There’s this guy - the worst of its kind - an obnoxious, egocentric, bigoted homophobe. Raine: the source of my existential crisis.
