Nano 2023

I have always remembered the day of my parents’ funeral. The smell of my grandma’s homemade rose and sandalwood perfume that was far too strong as she hugged me as she cried, the way the tires of the funeral car on the gravel had sounded as it led us up to the church.

My aunt’s faces as she looked at me as if I was the one to blame for her losing her sister and all of this.

My uncles tight lipped frown as he kept a hand on Gram’s shoulder trying to be solid for her.

My cousins messing about and fidgeting. I will always remember everyone from the towns whispers about my family who stood around me from behind their hands as I inwardly screamed at them all to shut up. but no one had as my parents were laid to rest.

I just had to stand there as my brunette hair blow in the breeze as the little black ribbons at the end of my braids tried to come untied.

I had to stand there and take in the world around me as people said goodbye to my parents who I would never get to see again.

I always remember after at my old home everyone squeezing my shoulder and telling me how I was such a brave girl and how sorry they were for my loss. To let them know if I needed anything and my parents will be truly missed.

I remember saying weak thankyous trying to remain polite when all I had wanted to do was scream at the world.

That day has and always will be a core memory to me. a sad and soul-destroying day, but it shaped who I grew to become and not always for the good. It would be odd if it hadn’t. 10 years old and suddenly alone in the world, even if I had always known that one day it would come. The curse always said it would.

Then to end up with your grandma who yes loved you but wasn’t exactly the normal grandma. If she was, I would be worried about the grandmas of this world and where all the sane people are.

Which brings me to the situation I have walked into today at 17 years old……