Mediaeval History in a Parallel Universe
Little is known about the early life of Prince Nookie, son of King Baldie, of whom even less is known. It is believed that the chroniclers of the day found him too boring to be of interest, as the following reference in the ‘Byg Booke of Borynge Basterds’ by Dweorbert (d. 1323) shows:
“None to write aboute King Baldye the Borynge, butan to seye thatte the gestes aette his feasts slepte whan thaette hys majeste tolde hem hys funny tales and so he ate alone. Nor was he ne good on hors in werre. He alwey fell off.”
This might explain why Prince Nookie, who became king in 1326, embarked on several projects that he hoped would leave indelible marks on the history of these isles.
King Nookie earned the epithet ‘Numbskull’ after the failure of one of his many schemes to improve the kingdom’s economy, i.e. by monopolizing the wealth of his domain. In June 1327, he called the Meeting of the Learned and decreed that the finest intellects of the realm must find ways of extracting gold from vegetables. His audience found it hard to keep a straight face. Ruddybert the Clever, who was present at the meeting, wrote:
“Generaciouns to come may wel think thaette the learned of oure day weron stupide, but know this: we neron stupide. Even the asses and the scheep knowe that none coude golde fram carrotte and coles (cabbages) obteyne.”
The Meeting of the Learned, however, concluded with a pledge that the first gold from “carrotte and coles” would be presented to the king within 30 days. Ruddybert the Clever later approached King Nookie and tactfully informed him that the task that he had set was scientifically impossible. Half-an-hour later, Ruddybert’s head was on a spike outside the king’s palace.
The 30-day deadline passed and no gold was forthcoming. Nookie ordered the slaughter of the finest intellects of the kingdom.
In 1329, Nookie felt that his kingdom was threatened by the emerging power of the Moorish empire to the south. He raised an army of 30,000 and marched on Cordoba. The Emir of Cordoba granted King Nookie an audience, during which coffee was served. Nookie, a mead drinker, demanded that he be served his favourite beverage. The emir apologized for not having mead on the grounds that his religion forbade alcohol. Nookie flew into a rage and drew his sword. He swore he would conquer Spain single-handed if he had to. The emir hastened to tell his guest that Spain had been conquered by the Moors in 711 AD. On hearing this, Nookie said: “Oh, shytte! We had better go back home then.” On the homeward journey, he died of a mysterious disease, probably contracted from one of the camp followers. His physician reported a few days before the king’s death that Nookie’s urine was blue.
After Nookie I’s funeral in 1330, his daughter Numbbum became the kingdom’s first queen regnant. She inherited her father’s epithet, ‘Numbskull’, not only because of the alliteration and assonance, but also because she was plain stupid.
Soon after she acceded to her regal duties, one of her ministers submitted a complaint against a Jew who had allegedly looked at him “in a funny way”. At that time, the Jewish community co-existed peacefully with the natives in the market towns and in the capital. They had caused no one any trouble. Nor had they demanded preferential treatment under the law. Consequently, Queen Numbbum expelled the Jews, who fled to France and Scandinavia. The Queen was hailed throughout the land as a courageous person who had rid the kingdom of the “Hebrew presence”.
Her decree would have gone down in history as a success in the cause for racial purity, but a few months later, Queen Numbbum had unwittingly put her and her subjects in an awkward position. Rumour had it that in the south the Moors were amassing troops along the Pyrenees. The queen felt that she must act. She raised an army of 30,000 and, with the consent of the French King Baudouin the Sot, marched on the border with Spain. Nothing happened. The rumours, rumour had it, were false. However, Numbbum was told that her soldiers had not been paid for three months. She wrote to the capital asking for funds, but her chancellor of the exchequer replied that no money was to be had. Since the expulsion of the Jews, no money lenders were available.
Undeterred, the Queen and her champion rode to Cordoba and requested an audience with the emir. She asked if she could contact the local Jewry to raise some cash. When the emir inquired about the purpose of the funds, the queen’s champion flew into a rage, drew his sword and swore that he would conquer Spain single-handedly if he had to. The emir calmly reminded his guests that after the invasion in 711 AD, the Moors had conquered most of the country. On hearing this, the champion is reported to have said: “Oh, shyte! We’d better go home, then!”
In May 1332, Queen Numbbum issues a decree allowing the Jews to return to the kingdom, not because the community of the Hebrew persuasion were particularly popular, but because the kingdom was on the brink of bankruptcy. Meanwhile, the nobility led a life of idleness and self-indulgence. No one complained, since the archbishops had instructed the clergy at parish level that taxation was part of God’s plan. No one dared challenge the holy texts that were quoted in order to support this thesis. Consequently, the peasantry bore their burdens well until they heard the sermons of one of the monks of the order of St Severin the Subversive.
Seven uneventful years later, Queen Numbbum died and Steven the Saddo succeeded her. Steven was known for his lack of social skills. Every time his mother introduced him to a prospective wife, Steven would make no attempt to engage her in intelligent conversation. The court chronicler of the day offers the following insight:
“In the second year of the reign of our gracious Queen Numbbum, the daughter of the French king was brought to court. The Queen forbade her son from thrusting himself upon the poor wee creature. The Queen told her son to take Genevieve out for a nice meal at a Far Eastern eating place – the one next to the strippe clubbe that opened last month. Steven did as he was told, but on the return to the palace, he tried to ravish her in the middle of the street.”
Nothing could cure Steven of his priapic lust.
In the spring of 1340, news of a military build-up in France reached the king. Steven decreed that the Jews could return to the kingdom provided that they paid an annual tax of 500 groats, abstain from fish, go shopping only on Wednesdays and wear only the colour green. An advisor reminded the king that Queen Numbbum had allowed the Jews to return a few years before. The advisor’s head ended up on a spike on the palace gate.
Steven raised an army of 30,000 and marched to Cordoba. He intended to ask for an alliance against France, not because he was afraid of the French, but because he did not like them or their recipes for horse burgers. Besides, the king of France was still rather angry over Steven’s treatment of his daughter. However, the emir of Cordoba hesitated and later declared that he would not enter an alliance against France.
Steven turned purple with rage. Brandishing his sword, he swore he would conquer Spain single-handedly if he had to. The emir told him to “piss off”.
“In that case,” Steven replied, “I’d better go back home, then.”
Crestfallen, Steven sank into a depression on the way home. One night he drank himself silly and was crushed by a bullock cart.
Meanwhile, back in the kingdom, the monks of St Severin the Subversive had gathered a huge following among the peasants. On learning of Steven’s death in Spain, the monks seized the opportunity to install Prince Drainwater, the issue of one of the many illicit relationships of King Steven, as monarch. As a teenager, Drainwater had renounced all pleasures of the flesh and vowed to transform the kingdom into a theocracy. He drew up a kind of constitution which stipulated compulsory church attendance five days a week and a ban on alcohol. If Drainwater had been made king, he would have expelled the Jews, rendering the kingdom a pauper state. However, Herbert the Hopeless, the rightful heir to the throne, with the assistance of the Duke of Mean and his army of assassins, killed the monks of St Severin the Subversive, torched their monasteries and confiscated their wealth, which eased some of the pressure on the Jews.
King Herbert preferred fishing to statesmanship, but the kingdom was in crisis when the king and his court had over-fished every lake and river in the realm, leaving nothing for the peasants. Revolt was in the air. The Duke of Mean saw his chance to declare Herbert incompetent to rule and seize the throne.
While Herbert was sitting by a pond catching tadpoles, he was approached by his daughter Gertrude the Gormless, who suggested they ask the Emir of Cordoba for help to save their dynasty. Herbert prepared a jar of water with three of “the finest tadpoles in the land” as a gift for the emir and sent Hilda to Spain.
For the Emir of Cordoba, this visit was the last straw. The court chronicler, Alonso de Maravedi wrote:
“When his Majesty spied Gertrude the Gormless with the tadpoles, he asked what was wrong with her native land. He shouted that he was fed up with their ridiculous petitions and told Gertrude to bog off. Gertrude became mighty angry and drew the sword of one of her retinue. She swore on the lives of the tadpoles that she would conquer Spain… She never finished her speech because of the Emir’s palace guard had run her through.”
The Emir and his army rushed to kingdom and installed the Duke of Mean as ruler, and threatened anyone who dared approach him for favours and with stupid requests that he would crown Hilda’s son, Andrew the Anorak.
An anonymous observer at the time wrote:
“On hearing these words, men of high and low birth trembled withal, saying with one voice: Not those silly sods again, we beseech thee, O munificent Emir.”
