"I Can't Tell You That"

The rain started to pour heavy and sudden. Thunder and lightning echoing down the hallway and lighting up the room she has seen and memorized so many times. She flinched in his grasp from the sound, his arms around her waist as she stared at the cold white wall. She has always hated thunderstorms, they always made her feel sad, anxious, and overwhelmed.

But he didn’t know that.

Her short and slim figure somehow found a way to become smaller than she already was, as she curled herself up in his arms, her back laying against his broad chest. Attempting to conceal the agitated and distressed expression painted on her face from him. Distant memories crawling back into her mind as she tries to bury back down the tears inside of her breaching to the surface.

She didn’t answer Colton’s words of concern that seemed like background static to her, worried the slightest sound she made will give the tears and overbearing emotions a chance to burst out, and the last thing she wanted was to be so emotionally vulnerable while in his presence.

Colton shifting himself slightly in a way that won’t impact her in attempt to understand her sudden change in behaviour. Making out the expression on her face, “hey,” he started, his tone was gentle compared to the usual aggression he speaks with, “it’s okay, you don’t have to feel anxious around me.”

His expression became a mis of worry, confusion, and slight frustration, which was most likely caused by his inability to do anything to make her feel better. He didn’t know what to say or do and it was obvious that he was upset with himself for that reason. He tried to hide his feelings though, it was not easy, however.

As he questioned her, she shifted away further, despite how much she was craving his affection and feeling of security with his arms around her. Feeling as if she wasn’t worthy enough to be held with such care, and in a form of trying to protect herself and keeping her own issues to herself, she distanced herself, a common habit of hers which seemed to be ingrained in her mental state at this point.

Pulling her body further away from the body heat that radiated from Colton’s body, seeming to be the only thing that was helping her in more than one way. Building walls around herself as she drew back to her usual act when something slightly upsetting or reminded her of those memories, which was to become cold and distant, despite the fact of being only a few feet away from him in the messy and familiar bed that belonged to the boy from the history class known as Colton.

“Hey!” Colton yelped as she pulled away, sounding panicked this time, he immediately shuffled next to her and pulled her small figure back into his grasp, he always enjoyed physical affection. He didn’t want her to become any more distant that she already was. Not after everything that had happened before the rain started.

Colton wouldn’t admit this out loud, even to himself, but he couldn’t bear seeing her in this state, a state he often must deal with. “What’s wrong? Please talk to me this time” he asked, his voice was pleading and full of concern and confusion, and probably a few emotions he couldn’t even name.

The thing on her mind at this point in the spiral was her fear of her tears being able to break free from the cast-iron cage she continues to lock them in. Attempting to her search her clouded brain of a way to dismiss Colton’s concerns or at least to convince him everything was fine.

As if he would buy it.

She opened her mouth to speak. Nothing came out, shutting her mouth as they laid in silence. She opened her mouth once again, nothing but a crack in her voice, shutting her lips quickly to avoid her worst fear.

A sniffle, the heavy rain and thunder is all that is heard.

Colton looked frustrated and stumped; he couldn’t figure out why she was refusing to tell him exactly what was wrong. Usually, he is able to figure people out, even if only a little bit, but right now it was like trying to break a brick wall down with his bare hands. “Hey!” he grunted, “this is stupid! Open your mouth and talk!” Despite his aggressive tone, his deep brown, mistakenly black, eyes were wide and filled with worry.

He let an exasperated sigh, “look, all I want to know is if you’re okay”. His tone was still filled with concern. He gripped her chest tightly, “don’t tell me you’re upset over a stupid thunderstorm, right?” he was genuinely confused if that was the reason.

Biting down on her lip as she took a deep breath in, holding her breath, trying her hardest to paint over the major waves of fear, anxiety and some might say depression that crashed down over her.

Those memories. She despised anything that related to those years of youth. Colton wasn’t aware of the nights, the nights of the heavy rain and thunder, and the memories that correlated with it.

Colton may not be the type to do his work in class often, but he was intelligent enough to know that her actions only proved the fact that she was in fact not okay.

She never seems to be.

Despite the fact that he was used to these situations that she often played, he continued, giving his heart as he pledged to do his best as the boyfriend of the most mentally unstable girl in the whole college.

The irritation chewing away at him as he watched her continue to refuse to admit her emotions, “look,” he started, the worry still paved in his voice, but there was also irritation and almost... guilt. “I’m not going to hurt you, I’m not going to yell or insult. I just want to know what is wrong”.

“IT IS NOTHING”

She snapped. Broke. And cracked.

She didn’t want this to happen.

She could not contain those feelings, those memories, no longer. Colton flinched back at her raised voice, but there was no threat in her tone, not anger, not even annoyance at his persistent questions, it was all just pent up sadness.

He had noticed her constant behaviour of bottling every negative emotion she experienced deep inside her, yet he still hasn’t built up the courage to confront her on the such sensitive topic, and part of him knows that she won’t let those brick walls crumble and open herself to him, it would be too much to ask only almost two months into their relationship.

Despite how much effort she layered up to keep herself from breaking in his presence, once her emotions started to breach the other side of her brick walls of protection, the effort dissipated, and all her tears and feelings tumbled out like a flood gate. Though parts of her walls remained, continuing to refuse admitting the fact that she was so heavily effected and currently breaking down over “a stupid thunderstorm”.

“If it’s nothing,” he asked in a gentle tone, “then why are you crying?” his voice was genuine and somewhat curious that was lined with sympathy, his voice was soft and quiet, the roughness in his usual tone smoothed out, as if it was very there.

“Because you are crying” Colton stated, and he knew he wasn’t going to get an answer if he didn’t ask his questions as straightforward as possible, but he was losing hope that she would ever tell him.

He tightened his grip around her chest, though not tight enough to hurt her fragile frame, gazing down at her as she sobbed heavily, sniffling and crying as she struggled to breathe, still wresting with her own tears to hold them back and shove them back in their cage.

His eyes were empathetic and somber as he worried for the unstable girl in his arms that shifted herself to face him, gripping onto his already tear-soaked plain dark blue shirt, rubbing her face into his collar bone as she let herself fall into the need of his affection.

It grasped Colton’s heart harshly, he hated seeing her in such a horrific state, crying with such turmoil in her tears, even with the fact that he still wasn’t aware of the reason why she was crying so severely, he despised seeing her so broken.

Taking in a deep breath, breathing out slowly somewhat shakily, preparing himself.

He couldn’t leave her.

Colton could already tell that he would continue to find himself in nights like these with the girl known as Estella from his history class.

-1497 words