Chapter 1
Betrayal, hurt, rejection is never easy and we all have to deal with it in some or other time in our lives. But I found the pain is amplified in everyone when it comes from a minister, pastor, leader, brother or sister in Christ. Is like we do not expect it to be treated like that by someone who confesses they love God. Those times when that person not just even stab you in the back but it feels like they twisted and turned that knife that it feels like a unhealable wound. Where every thought breaks you and you feel like you can’t breathe. That is what happened to me multiple times for years until God has set me free. My testimony starts with I grew up in a normal family, mom and dad fairly normal marriage there where normal marital fights. I have two siblings. We went to church every Sunday. The only difference was that I noticed from a very young age that church goers and minister treated me different from all the other goers. If I have a conversation they would laugh at me. The minister will tell my parents there is something wrong with me. I still wonder up to this day what exactly they find wrong with me and they could not tell me. Which I couldn’t understand because I would lay in my bed and spend hours and hours speaking to God and just love on Him and speak to Him about my hope and dreams. At night I would dream, dreams and it will come true the next day or in the week or month. When I was a teenager things started to go difficult for me because now I went from questioning it to rebelling it. I always saw myself as a child of God. Whom are they to say I am not. Who gives them the right to say that I am not a child of God? But it also made me think that if a Christian can treat others with so much hate why do I want to serve someone whose children does that. I stopped going to church rebelling against authority. In college I met a guy and he introduced me to Satanism and being a Goth. I was so in love with him that I was convinced that he was my one true love, my marriage man. I did drugs, drowned my sorrows in alcohol, gave my body to whatever my boyfriend needed including him drinking my blood and I drank his. I started to feel emotionally less, and less and less. One day one of our friends invited us to a mega church because he played in the worship team there. We wore our Goth gear because simply the fact that we didn’t have other clothing in our cupboards. One of the Pastors came up to us before we could go inside and said they don’t want trouble please leave. We thought it was hilarious that they proclaim that they have Jesus but are too scared of us to be in the church. But hilarious became hate because a week after that one of those friends committed suicide and the thought that he could have been saved and his chance was taken from him broke me. In his suicide note he stated how much he hated Christians, how much they hurt him. And I became harder and harder and harder. But the longing for God was always there and I was always reminded of how I would speak to Him and I missed it. But I thought I was in too deep and I will never get out again. Plus the hate that I felt for those Christians that hurt me somehow intensified the pain. But one night while buying drugs in a drug house, while on a high, I just had an encounter with the Lord. I was sitting on the couch in the drug house and I saw a fifteen year old girl having sex with two fifty year old males. And I just heard a voice that said do you want to still be here when you are fifty. And immediately I was from high and drunk to being completely sober and alert. As me and my boyfriend drove home, I told him I have to make a change and I can’t see him ever again. I spend my time reading the Bible and praying and after two years after that incident I decided to go to a church again. I found a church near where I live and I rededicated my life to the Lord. I had heavy spiritual attacks in the night hours. My bedding being thrown of my bed. Me being pinned so that I couldn’t move. It was so bad that I went to the church to ask help from a Pastor. The following Sunday after that people treated me again funny at church. I went to a guy for inner healing and deliverance but when nothing happened he told me I don’t want to be helped. I was devastated and decided I will not talk about it again. After a time some started to leave that church because the head Pastors turned out to be not good people. They told me I could not help or served because I was too broken. And yet they didn’t lift a finger to help me but boy could they judge. I decided to leave once again that church too. While not going to church in a three week time span. I kept dreaming about my current pastor’s face. I went to his church and I had an encounter with the love of God and hit me hard and pressed me into the floor and His love flowed like a river through me. I never felt such love such acceptance in my life and I just knew I am forever Jesus’s. I cried for days after that. I met a lady who did inner healing and deliverance on me and I was finally free and felt free. I started to serve and become a normal part of church life. But unfortunately some did try to take me out of this church too, they lied to the authority claiming that I am rude and disrespectful, that I push people and that I disrespect the Holy Spirit so much so that the Pastors believed them and I had to leave the church for three months. I was broken. I could not believe it happened once again. How could God make it happen again? What did I do to deserve this again? Like I said broken. God reminded me of the lady that did inner healing and deliverance on me and I found her. I had one session with her and we forgave and prayed and dealt with everything that was in me that was not from God. I felt a lot better but she told me I must come back the next week because she still felt I must come back because the Holy Spirit showed her. I went back the following week and she said the Holy Spirit told her there was people in that church that had a spiritual jealousy against me and we dealt with that. In the three months in I had to decide if I wanted to go back to that church or not. And I ultimately decided they are not going to keep me away from church or the presence of God. I will never allow anyone to try to take God away from me. When I finally went back to church I at first fought. I was determined to do spitefully everything I was accused of before. I was the meanest, rudest person you ever met. If they wanted to see a bad person I will show them a bad person. Then they had a reason to complain. But as God dealt with my heart with each hurt healing it step by step by step the head Pastor’s wife asked me to serve again. At first I told her, I told God I will never serve in a church again but she convinced me again to do so. God took me through a long process of forgiveness and healing to come where I am today and even though I still have daily to work on myself I believe I have a strong foundation in Christ. Nothing can take me away from the love of God. Not even those Christians that think they are better than others. But this is my story. Here is my question to you today. When people try to destroy you, or take stuff that is important or precious to you away and make you lose everything. What would you do? Will you maybe go on the spiritual abuse band wagon and serve God only in the world? Will you move away from God completely? Will you hop from one church to another the rest of your life? The problem with the above is no matter how bad or evil or how heartless people in church can be you will lose new wine and you will become as dry as a prune. Stepping away from God is spiritual death and if you go to another church I promise that demon will follow you there because you have not dealt with it in the other churches. Told you this book is not for the weak. So what is the solution, what are the tools, the keys to receive your healing? In the next chapter, if you are not offended or utterly upset yet, we will jump deep into the solution. And that solution it called forgiveness.
