Ambivalent

I was running in a field, under the sun rays hitting me, surrounded by Felicia Daisy flowers, wearing a white dress. My golden, blond hairs flying up in the air. When I turned back, I found ‘Him’ smiling at me. He was happy. Considerably happy looking at me?

The thin air around us was filled with our laughter. He held me from behind and swung me in a full circle.

Suddenly my eyes shot open. The shimmer of sun rays was gone. Our laughers filling my ears, dissolved into a shush. I was dragged back to the reality from an impossible dream.

I looked around me and found it totally dark. Unable to recall last night events, I set my self upright on the bed and fumbled on the bed to grope for my phone. Instead, the palm of my hand came in contact with a man’s smooth back. And finally when my eyes were adjusted itself enough for me to get a glimpse of what’s around in the room’s darkness, I saw his handsome face.

Theodore’s sleeping face.

His sharp Asian features, his long lashes, his high cheek bone and dark hairs were beautifully presenting itself under the threads of moonshine. How can I ever hate this face?

But he have changed. He is not the same person he used to be. And now he turned himself to someone whom I can’t hate, but not love at the same time.

But leaving love behind, how everything came to this? Why didn’t I stopped him when I cried and he approached me? Why didn’t I stopped him when he kissed me like there is no tomorrow? Why didn’t I stopped him when he was slamming his hard member mercilessly in me? The moment which felt like an eternity.

Let alone stop him, I moaned to his every thrust. I begged him to give me more like some lowly slut. I clung over him as if my life depends on how many orgasms he provides me with.

Why? Just why did I do any of these? He hates me right? And I am well aware of this fact. And after knowing all these facts I let him have his way. I let myself go with the flow. I didn’t stopped neither of us.

Will he hate me more now? Will he feel disgusted of me? But, anything other than this, does any of these will turn our relationship more worst? It already has turned to ashes.

Life was going almost perfect. I tried my best to forget him. But did I? No..

Completing my graduation, all I did was work in our hotel. But then mum and dad arranged my meeting with Richard.

Handsome, rich, from a good blood, a good lineage. Over-all, a perfect son-in-law.

And after meeting me Richard had one thing clear, I wont interfere in his way to personal life. A perfect wife-plus-scape-goat.

He immediately agreed to marry me and my parents didn’t even considered asking me before taking his offer.

Making me his ring-less-fiancé, they pushed me in our love-less life. I travelled from Brunswick to Austin, only to be welcomed to his backyard orgy party, with halogen condoms. It disgusted me to the core. His life, his face, everything disgusted me.

Day and night, where he was busy in printing dollars, I just roamed in and out of his big mansion. And not to forget when he was free enough, rather than taking our relationship further, he organized his disgusted parties. Even thoughts of which caused my foods to churn in my stomach, threatening me to come out any moment.

One thing was clear, I cant spend my life in this house. And my parents won’t allow me to walk out of it. Other thing they may do is cut allowance, if I rebel too hard.

So, only one way was left for me to do.

Work.

And that too, without there acknowledgement.

With determination, I applied in various companies, but surprisingly, considering my resume, I was selected quite early for Ceo’s secretary position. Though it was all a well, efficiently set

Having a small talk with Richard of how I got a new job and need to move out because studio is near my work place and all blah blah blah, I walked out of his mansion to a small, cozy studio. It was my perfect place. Beautiful and peaceful.

But the glitch is, I thought everything is under my control. Now I can live my life in my own conditions, sixteen hours away from my parents but, there is always a big, big but hanging over me head.

I walked in CEO’s office only to find him. Theodore.

No longer the same one. But a changed one. A handsome devil in three piece Armani suit sitting behind table, staring at me with a lit cigarette between his thin lips.

Well back to present, our subsequent encounter never gave me impression that ever such day would come. That we will ever share the same bed.

My mind was deeply immersed beneath thousands of thoughts, when suddenly the man beside me stirred, causing me to alert.

I need to be out of here before he wakes up. He would not do anything other than pass me looks as if is disgusted of me. I am sure of it. But my brain needs some rest too, before I get to see that look of his.

Getting off the bed, I walked straight to washroom by room to dress up. When I caught glimpse of myself in the mirror, my eyes popped out of the skull looking at the hickeys present on my chest and neck. Did he intended to draw blood out off me?

Before walking out of his room, I looked back at his sleeping figure. I wish we had a clean relation.

I wish so.

P. S. ~ Pic from pintrest.