Chapter 1
"Joanna"
"Joanna"
"Joanna, be mine"
He gently stretched his hand towards him. I couldn't deny it. I wanted to feel him at least once. I gasped as I placed my hand in his. It felt so right, so overwhelming, so.... perfect. He slowly pulled me into his embrace and I gladly let him. His arms wrap around me and I was embraced with his warmth. I felt the ecstasy rushing through me, my heart pounding in my chest. His toxic love surrounding me as it always does.
" Joanna"
I hummed in reply
"It's time to let go of me"
I froze on the spot. Not again, I couldn't deal with the heartbreak again.
" Always in my heart. Goodbye" he said before fading away. Panic filled me up , I couldn't bare to lose him , not now not ever. I was too attached, I was obsessed.
" N-n-no don't go. Don't leave me. You promised. YOU PROMISED!" I screamed at him. Lies,lies ,lies. That's all he ever said...lies.
I shot out of bed as my alarm clock rang. My heart was racing and I was sweaty all over. Then it all came rushing back to me. As usual, tears began streaming down my face. It started with a dream and ended with a nightmare.
Just like our relationship.
I curled up into a ball and bawled my eyes out until the numbness sunk in. I smirked at myself. This mostly happens during nighttime never happens when I wake up. He always gets me out of character.
I reluctantly crawled out of my bed and went straight to the mirror. I looked liked shit as always. Even after losing so much weight and doing all kinds of skincare routines, I still looked horrible. I sighed, grabbed the sink and looked straight in the mirror to say the daily motivational quotes Dr Lewis gave me.
" You are beautiful, strong, valued and
full of purpose."
Yeah right.
" What others think about you does not matter and never will. What you think about yourself is all that matters"
You're a piece of shit.
" You are a queen. A black queen. Uphold yourself with respect and confidence"
Something you'll never have
" New quotes?" I was startled by this new voice. Did I finally break? Am I starting to hallucinate?
"Jojo are you even listening to me?" A hand grabbed my shoulder and I let out an earsplitting scream. What just touched me?
" What the heck Joanna!" My panic died down as I saw my sister's reflection in the mirror.
Stupid
" Sorry " I muttered not bothering with an explanation. She stared at me like I was a problem. Trying to figure me out.
" I'm not crazy Tia" I coldly stared at her. Ever since I opened up about my depression her attitude changed towards me.
So did everyone else.
In Africa , if you have depression you're either overdramatic or a mental case. In my case, everyone thinks I'm probably going to jump off a building or something.
Idiots.
" I never said you were" Tia didn't look at me as she said that. We both knew she was lying. I would be kidding if I said that didn't hurt
" Whatever" I walked straight past her
and entered the shower, making sure to slam the door in her face.
"You know you can always talk to me about anything right?" She said behind the door. I'm guessing she didn't take the hint.
I took of my clothes and turned on the hot water, hopefully drowning her voice down.
"I love you" I rolled my eyes at her. Not this crap again. Next she's gonna say how much she appreciates me.
" I appreciate you so much" Almost like she read my mind. I slowly washed my hair, hoping she'll go away eventually.
" Even with your.. um...." She trailed off looking for a less harsher way of saying mental case.
" Issue. I still think you're the most down to earth person I've ever met" In other words, I hope you don't cut. Like I'll ever do that. My skin is already as bad as it is.
"Jojo... I-I-" I couldn't take it anymore
"Tia, no offense I don't give a damn about what you're saying " I snapped at her.
I felt bad the second I said it. I heard her sniffles behind the bathroom door. Shit
"Don't push people away, instead try to open up" Dr. Lewis voice rang in my head. I hate how right he always is.
" Tia wait " I came out of the bathroom in towel dripping water all over my carpet. Tia had tears streaming down her face.
You always have to be the bad guy
"I'm sorry okay? I just don't like the pity that's all" I said to her. She looked at me with glassy eyes and a big grin on her face. She gently approached me like I was a lion of some kind.
She slowly opened her arms and I gladly dodged. " I'm not ready for personal touch yet" I expected her to be disappointed but she still had that grin on her face.
" I'm glad you're being more open about your feelings already." She beamed at me.
Yeah, all thanks to that pushy therapist you and mom forced me to see.
There was this uncomfortable silence that enveloped the room. I mean I was naked in a towel.
" Can I get changed now?" I raised my eyebrows at her , wondering why she wasn't leaving already.
" Yeah of course, I'll give you all the space you need" she backed out into my room bumming into a few things along the line until was finally out.
Weirdo.
Ding! I grabbed my phone to check out who messaged me.
Dre: Can I pick you up for school?
This boy. I smiled as I replied
Me: No
Me: I going with the girls, maybe next time????
I didn't wait for him to reply and went straight to the group chat with my friends.
Me: Can you guys pick me up for school?
