Heartbreak and Hope

How did I get myself into this type of relationship? For about a year, I wondered about this. Was I too desperate to be with someone? Or could it have been my age? Did I feel like once I reach forty, no one would want to be with me?

I leaned back in my chair and looked at my laptop. It's amazing how keeping a diary has evolved over the years. I could keep a notebook one, but my boyfriend would find it and read it. As I sat there, my phone went off with the ringtone I had picked out for him.

"Ugh," I groaned as I picked up my phone to see what he wanted.

"Grace, it's been a madhouse here at work."

"Yea, I'm sure it has been," I said to myself, rolling my eyes.

Ever since we started dating last year, I had this suspicion that he was messaging other women. One time, I accidentally peeked over his shoulder when he was on Facebook and saw the heart icon on the status bar. I asked him about it, and he gave me a lame excuse that he didn't know that it was on there. When he said that, I should have packed up what I had and left. But I had started a new job last year, and it would have taken time to save up to go back home. So, I stuck it out until now.

As I was getting ready to message him back, another message popped up from him.

"Did you get my area cleaned up?"

Oh my gosh! Did he just ask me that? He's a grown man of forty-five years old! Did he think that I'm his mama or house maid? I wanted to message him back saying that I wasn't his damn maid. Instead, I sent a simple message saying not yet. I did not know that message was going to set off World War Three shortly.

Just as I was about to type more in my journal, I heard his ringtone going off. As I read his message, I dug my small nails into the palm of my hand.

"Why the hell not? Just fuck it! I'll clean it up myself! Lazy bitch!"

I sucked in some air as I sat there and ignored his message. Instead, I lit a cigarette and continued with my journal entry.

Ever since I got with Jack, I've been wondering about these questions. I was too hasty to jump into a relationship and that's why I'm miserable right now. When I was married to Ross, we became friends. He was charming and silly. Had I known about this dark side of him, I would not have said yes when he asked me out. It's been a year of hell with him. I'm getting tired of hearing excuses after excuses on why he's in a bad mood. It's the same one, that he's working too many hours.

Not to mention, the last time we were intimate was about a month after we met up again. That was over a year ago. I'm sure that he is sneaking off to meet up with someone he talks to from Facebook dating. Trust me, I've tried to start things with him, but he doesn't respond back. One morning, I decided to wake him up by giving him head. All he did was lay there, not saying anything except he asked if I was done. That killed the mood right there especially when he pushed me away.

For ten years, I have been a best-selling author in the paranormal genre. I can't write when he is here because he's always accusing me of ignoring him and talking to my new man. Recently, I've been getting emails from my publishing house saying that they are about to drop me if I don't produce something new for them to publish.

I took a small break and stood up to stretch. Even with a cushion on the wooden chair, I was still achy. The weather had a chilly start this morning. It's supposed to be a little bit warm today. Colorado was so different from Virginia.

When I glanced over at my phone, I saw that Jack had blown up my messages. Mean, hurtful words, accusing me...wait for it...accusing me of talking to another man. I should start saving up to move back home. There's just so much a person can take. I was starting to reach my limit with him.

I was tempted to grab my keys and drive to his work to confront him.

"Take a deep breath, Grace." I reminded myself as I lit a cigarette, though I just put one out in the ashtray. It was still smoldering, light smoke drifting from the put-out cigarette.

Ross and I had fights but not daily. Jack, I was walking on eggshells around him. Let's not mention going out in public, especially by myself. If I'm friendly towards someone, I get accused of sleeping with them. He's the same way with my male co-workers too.

As I sat there, I decided to send my aunt Darlene to let her know about my plan.

"Hey auntie, how are you out there?"

I didn't want to burden her with my problems if she had anything going on. She was the one that warned me not to rush into anything with Jack. And what did I do? I rushed into a relationship with Jack. Hell, I was stupid enough to rush into living with him and giving up the life I had started in Canon City.

"What's up baby girl?"

For a moment, I was hesitating to tell her what was going on because she would tell me that she tried to tell me not to rush. That's something I didn't want to hear at this moment. I know that she means well but I made a mistake of rushing into a relationship instead of waiting.

"Jack's being an asshole. I know, I know, I rushed this with him and now, I'm paying the price."

I might as well admit that I rushed this relationship and that I'm paying the price. My laptop screen went black, but I sat there, not wanting to write in my journal anymore. At least for a moment or so.

When Jack found me on Facebook dating, I thought that I found my happy ever after. Through the years, I had heard people tell me that he had a crush on me, but I didn't believe them. When we talked over the time that I lived in Canon City, he told me that he had a crush on me.

Now, I'm realizing that it was just empty words. He just told them to get into my pants. I fell for them. Now I think about it, how it showed that I was desperate for a man's attention.

Metallica's "Enter Sandman" rang out, making me jump.

"You need to leave him and come back home."

"That's something I had been thinking about," I said to myself as I looked around the tiny dining room that was cluttered with trash bags.

I wanted to clean the house but some days, I wonder if it's worth it. It was a tiny house that was cluttered with trash. Over the summer, the fridge went out. Jack never replaced it or offered to help clean it out. Everything was left up to me, cleaning, paying the bills. He kept his money to go out to impress whoever would talk to him. I even paid for his chewing habit on top of my cigarettes.

My bank account still had some money, not much. It was dwindling with everything that I had to pay around here. I even paid for a few softball tournaments of his. Did I get a thank you? Nope! All I got was him running to Pueblo for a weekend to meet some chick that he was talking to.

I leaned forward, pushed my glasses up and rubbed my eyes. How much more of this can I take? As I was sitting there, Katy Perry's "Roar" came through the small Bluetooth speaker. I sat there, listening to the lyrics. The song was speaking to me, helping me.

I looked towards the ceiling and said, "Lord, help me out of this mess. I'm done and I'm tired."

As I sat there, I realized that life in Colorado was no longer for me. Ross had passed away; our daughter barely knew me. Why should I stay here? There was nothing holding me back.

"Yes, there is," I lit another cigarette and exhaled. "Fear. I'm afraid of restarting my life. Next year, I'll be forty years old. I'm getting too damn old for restarts."

I shouldn't think like that because my granny was in her forties when she divorced my grandpa. She always had the best advice to give me. Now, she was gone, and I couldn't call and ask for advice.

You need to leave if you aren't happy with him, sweet pea. Don't worry about what others think. Move on for yourself.

Those are words that my granny gave me when I was married to my first husband, and I was afraid to leave him. I was afraid to leave him because of my mother.

This time, I had no mother to worry about what she would say if I left. I was no longer happy here with Jack. Even with Christmas around the corner, I was no longer happy. My granny's words bounced around in my head as I sat there.

"Where would I go?" I asked myself as I stood up.

I didn't have many friends that I could turn to for help. Most of the people that I knew were from work or softball. I didn't have any friends that I made on my own. Jack would have chased them off with his crazy rants of them helping me find someone to fuck.

As I looked around, I ran my fingers through my long, jet-black hair. Another reason I need to leave is for my mental health. When I had left Canon City, I had slimmed down to one hundred and thirty-five pounds. Over time, I could see the weight creeping back on me. I could see it in my face in the mirror when I was at work.

I used to take care of myself, put make-up on every day. That stopped the day Jack started accusing me of talking to other men. I was starting to look older than thirty-nine years old even though people tell me that I look younger.

It was time for me to take charge of myself. I needed to quit moping around the house. It was time for me to change. I had to quit accepting him cheating on me. This wasn't living, always wondering what would set him off. It was eating me up inside. I had to accept the fact that the relationship was dead. There was no way to revive it anymore.

I had to move on, put myself back together.